Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

19 Jul

I scream…you scream…we all scream for ice cream…

School may be out for summer, but it’s pop quiz time!  Ok minions….Your goal is to guess for each of the three pictures whether they are a dog toy or a sex toy.









1. This friends, is a sex toy called the iScream Silicone Sex Toy, and according to the manufacturer, you can throw it in the the freezer for a ‘cool’ sensation before using it.  Yep, definitely scream-worthy….

2.  It’s pink, flexible, and bullet-shaped, but alas, this is a dog toy.

3. Despite looking “ribbed for her pleasure”, this is indeed an innocent dog toy that you can pick up at your local Petco.


What is that we hear in the distance?  Is that the sound of the local ice cream truck?  Hmm….we’ll pass.


I’m not an idiot so don’t treat me like one. A.K.A Why must some vets be dicks?

17 Jul

As true snobs, we love our vets. Who else is as interested in our dogs’ poop as we are? Most vets are awesome people doing a relatively thankless job for very little reward other than maybe not getting anal-glands squirted on them occasionally.

It is a pretty good reason to not wear that ugly Bridesmaid’s dress.


There are however exceptions to the rule and we’re going to bitch about them.


I, Potnoodle, am going to start off with a story of the event that kicked off this blog entry. First, you must know a little back story. I work for a person who owns dogs. Sometimes I am responsible for the care of those dogs. Recently, my boss has been ill so I’ve been more responsible. I work Monday through Friday. I came in yesterday morning to find a slightly smelly crate. No big deal, loose stool happens. It was bath day anyway. As the day went on, I noticed the dog responsible for the loose stool was a little lethargic. OK. I alerted my boss and my boss’s spouse and gave a dose of flagyl that the regular vet has prescribed for emergency loose-stool issues (because what doesn’t that fix, right?) This morning (Tuesday) I came in to  no accident but a very lethargic dog that didn’t want to eat. Off to the vet we go, after consulting with my boss. I knew shit was going down hill when I arrived and realized which vet was on duty. The normal vet is an older guy, up on the latest info but not unwilling to go olds-school if needed. He’s got a great personality and listens to what the owner has to say. And then there’s the younger guy. He’s arrogant, to say the least.  Also, I’m pretty sure he’s a backyard breeder of Caucasian Ovcharkas… but that’s off topic.

Anyway, I got there and described the dog’s symptoms, what had been going on, and his instant reaction is “Parvo.” Which, okay. It’s that time of year.  Maybe if I had just picked this dog up at the shelter or  from some byb. However, that is not the situation here. The dog hadn’t even been to a show recently and she’s not a fucking puppy. So, my reaction is. “Well, no vomit and it doesn’t really smell like Parvo to me.”

“Well, it does to me.” he says, before running a barrage of tests and telling me how traumatic Parvo is. At this point, he’s convinced me. I mean, he’s a vet right? He surely wouldn’t go on a rant about parvo if the dog wasn’t extremely likely to have parvo…. right? I’m ready to burn my clothes, bleach the house… all of it. After an excruciating wait, he breezes back in the room and doesn’t even mention parvo. Starts going over results with me.

“So wait, it isn’t parvo?”

“No, but it might be A, B, or C”

DUDE. I was having a fucking panic attack. You can’t just come back in and start prattling about fluids and bacteria in the gut.  All these scare tactics because I gave the dog a flagyl … the exact thing you’re going to give the dog in the back room as soon as I leave? What a bag of dicks. A bag of dicks that sent the dog home… with flagyl, two days later. To clarify, I have no issue with the man treating the dog and doing whatever is needed. That’s why I brought her in. I do have issue with the condescension.


No work dog photos have a Poodle

No work dog photos allowed…so have a Poodle

When I moved to Florida against my will and kicking and screaming, I kept my inherited dogs with the vet they had been with previously. Why not? They have emergency services, a decent enough pile of clinicians and can always fit you in even if it will take three hours. Now in this practice there were about 5 vets, but by sheer misfortune I always got the same one, let’s call him Assbags McGee. Dr. McGee is what one could call a pompous jackass. Questions about the effectiveness about a new Flea/Tick topical carried by the practice gleaned “Just use Frontline every two weeks, it’s the same thing” (No, it really isn’t), and over the realistic recovery time on my then elderly Jack Russell’s large lipoma removal was “I wouldn’t bother since I doubt the wound would heal but we’ll do it if you want” (Expertly not answering the question) and lastly my choice to Ivomec most months earned a lecture on how the dosing was impossible and I’d surely kill the dog with my lack of ability to do simple math. Yeah. Thanks asshole. Helpful. Anyway, lack of other local emergency options kept me there with reservation. I would very occasionally get my preferred vet there but Dr. McGee still managed to be there all the damn time. Even requesting the specific vet, the desk would screw it up half the time. An incident with Beatrice was my personal breaking point. I’ve been back twice to pick up management prescriptions for the oldest dog but have moved everyone else to my current practice and have no intention of ever returning for anything beyond maintenance on the 17 year old. As it happens the practice was recently and not very publicly sold to a conglomerate and now only Assbags McGee and his partner in shitty medicine, Bitchburga MacGuinty (Yes, the ulcer on the the bitch’s cornea is obviously the 3rd eyelid, good catch Dr. Magoo… The university vet wasn’t scratching his head over that one at all…)  is left. We now take the extra 20 minutes to go to the university run emergency clinic up the road. It’s not worth the idiocy and expense of the headache and misdiagnoses.

Sweet Bea

Sweet Bea



When I first brought Mr. T home at 9 weeks old from the shelter, he had some minor hair loss and a rash.  A few days after having him home, I took him to a local vet down the street from us.  The vet informed me that it looked like a mild case of demodex mange and that he would need to do a scrape to confirm.  Not long after, he came back into the room and informed me that it was indeed demodex and that we could start treatment immediately.  Being a new dog owner, I agreed to his treatment plan and let him dip baby Mr. T in a Mitaban dip.  I asked the vet if there was anything to watch out for, and he assured me it was safe and not to worry.  I admit that I should have done my own research, but I was a first time dog owner and so taken aback by the diagnosis that I didn’t give it much thought.  Turns out that was a mistake.  Just a few hours later, Mr. T’s entire body was bright red and vomiting, he felt hot to the touch, and had terrible diarrhea.   I immediately called the vet who did the treatment who assured me that everything was fine and to give it time and quite frankly, talked down to me like I was some neurotic puppy owner.  At this point, I knew I had to trust my gut, so I ended up having to rush Mr. T to an emergency vet to have him treated for his severe reaction to the dip.  The vet at the ER was amazing and took the time to explain everything to me, helped me ease my guilt for not knowing better, and took excellent care of my pup.  Turns out that Mitaban dips are never recommended for puppies less than 4 months old and are usually only considered in more severe cases.  Poor pup never should have gotten dipped. After Mr. T recovered, I called the original vet office and was bounced around voicemail and vet-tech and “conveniently” was never able to actually get ahold of the vet despite trying for weeks.  When I stopped by, the receptionist was incredibly rude to me and insinuated it was my fault that my puppy had gotten so ill.   While I take some responsibility in not being a more knowledgeable consumer, it infuriates me that this vet did a risky treatment on a young puppy and never bothered to follow up or return my calls.   You sir, are an asshole and a terrible vet…or at least that is what my Yelp review said until you deleted it.

Baby Mr. T says, “I pity the fool who gives shitty care to this adorable face”

Baby Mr. T says, “I pity the fool who gives shitty care to this adorable face”


We have vet readers, we know. We love our vets. We trust them with our dog’s care on a regular basis. We also know that some vets get clients that come in and have already diagnosed their dogs or act like their dog is dying because it had some soft stool. WE AREN’T THOSE PEOPLE. We didn’t come in demanding meds. We came in looking for a diagnosis and we want you to take the time to explain that diagnosis. We don’t want to be a page ahead of you, we just want you to keep us on the same page and give us good care. These are our pets (And Potnoodle does love the dogs at work like her own, you only have to be Facebook friends with her to know that.) When a loved one is ill, there’s a lot of stress. All we ask is that you calmly, and without overstating or understating anything, help us understand what the fuck is going on.

10 things we’d love to ask Back Yard Breeders.

1 Jul

Imagine it. Maury, the Dog Snobs edition. We, TDS, are allowed to question a variety of backyard breeders.Imagine the drama, imagine the ratings! It’d be the best episode of Maury not involving a paternity test. You see, we here at TDS are on a mission. With all the dumbassery kicking around it’s about time we get some things answered by the people who’ve annoyed us most these last several months; Backyard Breeders. Any BYBs out there willing to give us an answer? Should we just start emailing these to random breeders?


1) Why did you choose to breed your dog? Don’t give us that bull shit about how much you love the breed and how your kids learned so much. We want to know the real reason.


… and is traumatized forever.


2) What made you think it was a good idea to breed a dog without health testing/on pre-lims? Are you too cheap to do proper testing?  Too lazy? Or just too dumb? And for those of you that know what health testing is and choose not to do it, what makes you think you know more about PRA/Hip Dysplasia/ Patellas than any number of vets. We see that website page you’ve written based on pseudoscience, and we don’t believe you have magic x-ray eyes.

Go home Morpheus, you’re drunk.

3) Have you actually done any research (Google doesn’t count) on breeding, whelping, and raising puppies?  Or is this just something you plan on making up as you go along and pleading for help on yahoo answers at 3 am when something inevitably goes wrong?

Girl dog + boy dog= Puppppppies

4) No but seriously, why’s there so much Jesus involved in your dog breeding? Did god come to you at night and say “Here’s a get rich quick scheme, breed malti-poos”. We’re no experts on Jesus here at The Dog Snobs, but we’re pretty sure he frowns on being an idiot.

Even Jesus thinks you’re a douche.

5) Do you actually care who your puppies end up with, or is anyone with a PayPal account and a dream good enough?


The true path to romance.

6) Quick quiz and you’re not allowed to google… Do you know what a CHIC number is? OFA? The meaning of Clear, carrier, affected?

7) Do you even like dogs? Serious question.We know you like the MONEY you make from dogs but like… what about the actual dogs? If you do, why aren’t you out like… doing something with them?

8) Are you stuck in 1994? Seriously, the autoplay music and the butterfly cursor may appeal to your dumbass taste but it looks like a 12 year old girl built it on angel fire in 2003. You’re making bank, hire a web designer.


9) There are decent dogs a few generations back in your pedigrees, how the hell did you get them? What happened that rushed you so rapidly downhill? (Not always applicable)

We’re calling shitty breeders Frank now, it’s a thing.

10) We’re guessing you don’t refer to yourself as a backyard breeder, so what do you call yourself?

It’ll go just like this.

Alright minions, any questions to add? Want to start emailing this blog link you your favorite BYBs? (We’re joking about that. Sort of.)

Sex Toy Saturday

29 Jun

Have we mentioned how much we love our minions?  Why, you ask?  Because they now send us pictures of questionable dog toys and tell us they thought of us.  We’ll take that as a compliment.  We think.  So, thanks to reader Megan for this lovely (?) Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday.  So, which one is which??


Option A

Option A



Option B

Option B


So at this point you’re going “Oh Dog Snobs, you can’t fool us.  Those are clearly both sex toys.”  In fact, Potnoodle refused to believe one wasn’t a sex toy after BusyBee told her the answer,  so…. we give you proof:



That’s right.  Option B, despite having two “heads” is a Nylabone. Emphasis on the bone. Really Nylabone, did it have to have that exact shape? You’ve already got the Galileo bone to answer for. And what is that in the bottom right-hand corner of the “packaging”…strong and long?  We just…  To paraphrase one of the greatest modern poets, this toy is long and strong and (we assume) down to get the friction on.


That’s not how that actually works you know… a.k.a. The AKC is not the enemy and why you sound stupid when you say so.

20 Jun

A few months ago a short piece aired on HBO (Home Box Office for them there fancy folks) charmingly titled ‘Unnatural Selection’ on their ‘Real Sports’ program. The theme, was of course, supposed to be Dog Breeding, showing and the pitfalls therein. Not really a friendly topic in dog circles, but it is topical if somewhat delayed from the ‘Pedigree Dogs Exposed’ kerfuffle from a few years ago and more recently its sequel.


Fuck airing that dirty laundry, let’s launch that shit at pedestrians!


The reality of the program however it was… well not.


Dog-based documentaries will do it quicker.


While PDE was incredibly well researched and maintained, while not a balanced but a mostly fair critique (To a point) of the dog breeding establishment, the folks at Real Sports took a different tack. Their overwhelming hypothesis as it turned out was “The American Kennel Club sucks hairy herpe-d balls so neener neener”.


We expected more, Bryant.


Honestly, the general content of the program was laughable The bulldog owner was clearly a dumb-ass (You get not one but two English Bulldogs and you expect them to be a paragon on health? Come the fuck on.), Mr. UKC came across as a dillweed* (Seriously dude, discretion is the better part of valor) and the AKC PR machine clearly screwed the figurative pooch on interview prep for that one but the biggest assholes were by far and away the “reporters” involved in the pap that they passed off as hard-hitting docutainment. Their fact-checkers were clearly either ocupado or set on ‘What the fuck ever. This isn’t football’ mode. So we’re here to clear some things up.

Right Back to Whore Island! Straight back!



1) The AKC is first and foremost a registry business

Boogie on Down


It’s a 130 year old business to be precise. The AKC is paid to keep the records, run the events and be the governing body in the American Dog Fancy. In return they dump a lot of that right back into research and lobbying and bigass events to raise more money for more of those things.


2) The AKC does not mandate breed standards.


You figure it out, asshole.


Those AKC standards that people keep harping on about? Those are not created nor altered by the AKC. Who can alter that shit? That would be the breed clubs for $500, Alex.


3) The Breed Clubs are not the AKC

Which one of these things is not like the others…



The breed clubs function with basic autonomy from the AKC proper. They follow their rules (mostly) and they can play their games and earn their titles. What the breed club deems acceptable is what is in the standard and more importantly what is acceptable in the fashion which you can kind of think of as the unwritten expectations in many breeds.


4) The fashion is what drives extremity, not the standard

I invented the Piano Key Necktie!


Standards, go figure, are open to interpretation. Different interpretations can give you massive type distinctions within a single breed. If one dog of an extreme type becomes inexplicably popular the fashion is then set and the vision of some breeders will shift to adapt to this new shiny ideal. How do you stop the shiny object drift? Easy, education.


5) Judge and Breeder education is mandated by Breed Clubs


It’s completely untouched! Mint Condition!


Again, not in the AKC’s purview. Breed education is set forth by the clubs themselves. Judges need to learn the extremes and they can’t do that if the clubs aren’t showing them what it is they should reward.


Clear as mud?


Now, all that being said, we are hardly apologists for the AKC. As a registry and arbiter of dog events, there is certainly room for a lot of improvement and these are just our off-the-cuff ideas.


1) Some tighter reins on the breed clubs who are being deliberately ridiculous (I know, dog people being insane? Say it ain’t so!) would be nice. We’re not saying they have to shove modifications of the standard to reduce extremity and mandatory health testing down the breed clubs’ throats, but holding them down and making them chew on it a little isn’t the worst idea.


Duh. Now, learn to like it or else.


2) A more concerted effort to educate John Q Public on what “papers” actually mean and how a registration number doesn’t actually equate quality. Or even better, make “papers” mean something again. See above point.


Same value in some cases



3) Infuse some youth into the organization. We’re not saying the Board of Directors is a Crypt Keepers’ convention but they could certainly be mistaken for one. The old guard has great value and should always be a part of the dog fancy, but in neglecting the reality that is a severely aging population of dog fanciers. They will cause their own extinction.


More Top Knot!!!


4) PR isn’t just for nightclubs and politicians. Playing catch-up is fine and dandy but a proactive move in supporting and hell, praising, your good examples of responsible breeders and why they are needed in the first place? Probs a good idea.


Fuck yes, I did.



4.5) Also, AKC, you should probably stop sending reps to dog auctions. It isn’t helping anyone, but that’s a whole other topic for another day.


They Pizza-ed when they should have French-Fried



When  it boils right down, the reality is there will likely never be a documentary that can truly and fairly capture the sport of dog showing and dog breeding. (Unless Best In Show counts, they pretty much hit the nail on the head) There’s an incredible amount of time, money, passion, and insanity that goes into the sport and it really just can’t be captured in ninety minutes by a filmmaker that has already decided on an angle he wanted to pursue going in to the filming.


“But TDS,” you say. “The AKC is horrible and murdered my dog/my mother/my garbage man!”


To you we say, “Pish Posh!” if you have an issue with the AKC either don’t play, or even better, join an AKC club and begin the change from the inside. We’re all for impotent bitching when it’s relevant, but the case of the AKC, lots of decisions are delegate driven. Of course it’s not perfect, and it never will be, this is the life of human-driven hobbies. It certainly however, can’t get better without working together rather than fracturing into 1000 useless pieces. We are all in this shit-storm of zero or just plain bad PR together, and even the most uptight among us has to admit, this is a hobby for odd ducks.


Damn right, Emilio.



… So we’re stuck together no matter who’s in charge.


*Fang regularly plays in the UKC and this interview was a serious turn-off. There is no functional difference between people who breed AKC or UKC dogs. They both have good and bad breeders and they both are registries which means driven by money. Presenting it as the avenging angel vs. the big bad Goliath… no. Not cool Wayne and a massive disservice to the UKC. If you can’t make your point without dragging down others, you probably need a better point, and the sad part is, you do have a good one buried under the vitriol.

And this is why you’re dead to me a.k.a. Why we’re not nice when people who should know better are stupid

17 Jun

We here at The Dog Snobs are pretty easy going peeps, admittedly some of us much more so than others.

There are other types?

There are other types?

We’re usually willing to help our newbie friends and we appreciate being given help ourselves as necessary. I know, shockingly TDS needs help too sometimes. We’re not actually omniscient, though Wiikipedia and Google let us do a fair impression of it most of the time. In our quest for knowledge, we ourselves hold each other to high standards and we hate to break it to you minions, but we will hold you to them too.


Maybe not that many more… but some


Recently there has been a spate of puppy acquisitions among the various tribes through Facebook. Either summer boredom, puppy jealousy or a cheap ad on Craigslist has made a new puppy The Accessory for 2014.

Accessories! Not just for reindeer.

Accessories! Not just for reindeer.

Fang and Potnoodle are not immune to this trend, Fang has herself acquired a puppy and Potnoodle has been alternating between search mode and despair for several months. These acquisitions however fall within the rubric of appropriate snobby conduct. Below we’ve compiled a, shall we say, a behavioral chart, to guide you in your quest.


1) If you’re reading this you should know better than to need this. 

Figuratively everywhere

Figuratively everywhere

Those little red flags flapping like mad in the distance? Yeah, don’t ignore those. Something sketchy about the breeder? Questionably legal practices taking place? What on earth is a good reason to carry forward? Pro-tip kids, a “deposit” is almost always refundable in full or if you’re nice, in part. In fact pretty much all puppy contracts aren’t worth the paper they’re written on.


We’re glad your puppy was cute and sweet and you just had to have him, but you, ex-minion are a part of the problem. In fact, you pretty much are the problem. Good breeders aren’t churning out dogs to be dumped in shelters, the bad ones are, and congrats, you just bankrolled another litter.

2) People telling you to walk away aren’t doing it to ruin your life.

Yes, I'm sure you matter... *pat pat pat*

Yes, I’m sure you matter… *pat pat pat*

If strangers with no vested interest in your life, and little breeder contact warning you off a breeder…  it’s probably for a good reason. If red flags have popped up for numerous other people, it’s probably time to think about the choice you’re making.It’s likely not a good one. An important thing to remember in dogs is that the more you think you know, the more you have to learn and that applies to this too. It’s always a good idea to have a pair of objective eyes look at a breeder before you make a final decision.


3) If you can’t say anything nice, come sit by us.

Standard honest is pretty good too.

Tacit approval? Yeah, never going to happen. If you want a cheering section rather than honest feedback, may we suggest the lyrical stylings of youtube.


Seriously, if you think everyone on the internet is going to make nice and tell you to go right ahead with your bad life choices…. well, welcome to the internet. No one is nice and be careful what you google.


4) Disagreement with you doesn’t make everyone else an asshole


If you want to make a stupid decision, more power to you. We’ll just put it on your list of other stupid decisions. We have a chart. It’s color-coded so, super-fun.


Have I mentioned that Potnoodle rode my ass about getting a puppy? Well she did. And honestly? I appreciate it in a friend. Out of the blue I announce I’m getting a puppy and any sane person is going to have some questions. We’re biffles and all, and homegirl knows I am an expert skeptic, but as my friend, she did some checking as well. Totally unnecessary checking, but I appreciate her interest in making sure I’m not making a horrible decision. When she couldn’t find a few answers, she asked me and thoughtful little munchkin I am, I had already asked and had answers. Rather than getting annoyed (My default setting) I adopted the ever present (Okay not ever but more often present than not) ‘Attitude of Gratitude’. I appreciate the effort my friends put forth for my well-being. Why on earth would I bitch about that?


My heart is full.

My heart is full.



In retrospect, I don’t think I rode her ass. I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t making a hasty decision. A breeder isn’t something you can pick in one night. For one thing, a lot of the good ones have wait lists. They generally want to get to know you as much as you should want to get to know them. This is not Burger King, you don’t drive up to the window and get a nicely packaged puppy with all the condiments you ordered. Occasionally, the perfect puppy will fall in your lap suddenly but that’s one gift horse you DO need to look in the mouth.

No listen to the horse! Look! Look hard!

No listen to the horse! Look! Look hard!


So here’s the deal guys. you can make all the stupid decisions you want but throwing a fit when other people disapprove is more than a little ridiculous. Either grow a thicker skin, or use some of that hindsight everyone else is so fond of to maybe think over what you’re doing.

Because you can never have enough leashes…

11 Jun

Leah, the owner at The Evolved Dog suggested that we try out leashes from her store, which specializes in USA made and hand-crafted goods.  Given our differing taste, Potnoodle and BusyBee (Fang decided to sit this one out) chose two different leashes to review, both of which are available on her website.

First off, we give The Evolved Dog an A+ for customer service.  Within a few days of communicating with Leah, the leashes showed up at our doorsteps with some extra yummy treats for the beasts and packed in eco-friendly packaging. Top that*.


BusyBee received the Bayline Leash

Screen Shot 2014-06-10 at 5.19.56 PM


-Ahoy matey!  This leash is made from sailing line and marine-grade brass and matches perfectly with Mr. T’s new nautical stripe collar, which totally fulfills my recent penchant for all things preppy and nautical.  Now all I need is a boyfriend with a boat and a name like Chad or Tugg.

-The leash is super soft but also incredibly sturdy.  The nice thing about being made from such a hardy material is that you really don’t have to worry about ruining it.  If it’s good enough for Maine lobsterman, it’s good enough for my rough and tumble dog who isn’t exactly gentle with his belongings.


-My only complaint really is that it appears that leash is only sold in a 6 foot length, which is much longer than I usually use.  While not a deal-breaker, I would love if this came in a 4 foot length.


Potnoodle, never one to turn down leather, got the It’s like Buttah Leash

Screen Shot 2014-06-10 at 5.23.33 PM


- The leash is literally like butter. Softest leather, right out of the box, I have ever owned hands down. Leather is the only material in leashes I really ever use at this point and this one has quickly become a favorite.

- That little ring on the handle. Seriously, is there a reason every single leash in the world doesn’t have those? I order it on all my custom leads but this is the only one I’ve seen that comes with it standard and I love it. So useful.

-This leash is both stitched and riveted, so those of you with pullers need not worry, The leather is thick without being bulky too. (We’ve talked about the pulling thing though. Stop that.)


-Another Dog snob that isn’t a fan of a six foot leash. It just isn’t what I’m used to, and since my dogs are in a four foot range of me when on a leash, that extra two feet just ends up balled up in my hand. Not that I mind with this leash since it is, indeed, like buttah.

- Brass only. I don’t mind brass, since several of my dogs’ collars are brass hardware but if they weren’t… the hardware must match. Always. I’d love to see this leash offered in nickel hardware.


* Sorry, not sorry. The rest of this blog entry was written while singing this:


**If you’d like the Dog Snobs to review your product/products, drop us an email at Keep in mind there are three of us**

 ++We were given two leashes and asked to review them. These are our honest opinions on those leashes.

Caveat Emptor, Dumbass a.k.a. If you won’t help yourself I will mock the crap out of you. A rant by Fang.

10 Jun

Potnoodle has some kind of sickness (I suspect smallpox) and Busybee has been a busy bee, and thus you are stuck with a short vent from me, your humble Fang.

If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is a self-righteous idiot. It is one thing to be an idiot. It is another thing to get all up in my grill because you’re pissed off you were a dumb-ass.


Literally everyone else knows.

Literally everyone else knows.


Mistakes happen, I get it. You get excited. That ‘wittle puppy munchkins’ you saw on NextDayPets is just too adorable to resist.. . So you purchase for the exorbitant sum of $400. Six months later with a rampant case of buyer’s remorse, you rail on about how awful everyone is. How dare they breed puppies that have flaws! The horror! The indignity! The… wait a second. Shit! You’re an adult who is responsible for their own purchases? But… but why?


Here is it kids, shitty breeders and rescuers exist. Of course they do. They’ve been preying on the stupid and under-prepared buyer since the dawn of dog breeding. Part of your role as an adult who functions in society (I know, it’s hard) is to be your own damn advocate and learn something along the way. If you refuse to learn how to know better, I can’t help you. In fact, no one can help you. It is probably best if you go wait at the DMV or somewhere where we don’t have to look at you.

Caveat Emptor, kids. It will save you a lot of headaches, and more importantly me a lot of headaches, if you just do the research in the first place.

I do! Oh gosh I do!

Dog Breeds IV: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly e.g. I don’t need it but I want it anyway

7 Jun

Time for more breed profiles!  This time each of us chose a breed that we love and not-so-secretly covet, but likely will never own for various reasons.  Sometimes being an adult and realizing our limitations sucks, right?  But alas, here are our “want but can’t have” breed profiles:


BusyBee–Rhodesian Ridgebacks

I’ve loved Rhodesian Ridgebacks as long as I can remember.  As much as I would love to have one, I’m woman enough to know that they are probably not the best match for me.  That being said, I still plan on ogling every Rhodie that crosses my path.

The Good

1) I’m pretty sure people universally agree that they are a gorgeous dog.  From their regal stature, their big brown eyes, to their muscular builds, a well-bred Rhodesian Ridgeback is a sight to behold.  Plus, let’s be honest, the ridge is pretty freaking cool.

Photo courtesy of Vanessa Macgill, Mikozi Rhodesian Ridgebacks

Photo courtesy of Vanessa Macgill, Mikozi Rhodesian Ridgebacks

2)  They are pretty much “wash and wear” dogs because of their short coats.  Their short, shiny coat was developed to withstand any climate and environment and developed to not hold odor.  You know what that means?  No wretched hound stank.  Praise sweet baby cheesus for that.

3)  Ridgebacks are fiercely loyal family members and bond very strongly with their people.  Owning a Ridgeback pretty much ensures that you will have a dog who wants to be touching you, whether it’s leaning against you or trapping you on the couch while playing “lap dog”.

If it fits, I sits! (Photo courtesy of Phil Miller)

If it fits, I sits! (Photo courtesy of Phil Miller)


The Bad

1) Although not necessarily a bad thing, I am not sure I would like the general aloofness of Ridgebacks around people other than their family.  I tend to be drawn to the more social butterfly type dogs and honestly, Mr. T’s eagerness to be everyone’s best friend is one of the things I love most about him.  Living in a big city, it’s nice to have a dog who thrives on the crowds of people rather than tolerates it or deigns it.  Obviously this natural aloofness can be mitigated in part by socialization, but I don’t know if a dog who is naturally wary of strangers is a good fit for me.

2)  They are a strong-willed dog breed and not for handlers who tend to be pushovers (read: me).  Naturally independent thinkers, Ridgebacks often have their own agenda and it’s not always in alignment with yours. It’s no coincidence that my friend who has owned Rhodesians for years has named his most recent two Stubborn and Stroppy.  With the right owner, these dogs can be amazing, but I’ve seen too many people completely at the mercy of their Rhodies, and I’m self-aware enough to know that I would likely be one of those people too.


Stroppy, Mr. T’s bestie doing his best circus poodle impression (photo courtesy of Adam Braun)

Stroppy, Mr. T’s bestie doing his best circus poodle impression (photo courtesy of Adam Braun)

3) Most Ridgebacks are not fussy eaters and have cast-iron stomachs.  While this may sound like a good thing, I assure you, it’s not.  It means that they will attempt to eat anything that doesn’t eat them first. They are master counter-surfers and will hunt down every last morsel of food they can get to, even if that means chewing through jacket pockets to get to it.  Don’t let those big brown eyes fool you either, a Ridgeback always thinks it’s hungry.


Pure. Torture.  (PURE TORTURE (Photo courtesy of Corey Turner, Semper Fidelis Rhodesian Ridgebacks)

Pure. Torture. (Photo courtesy of Corey Turner, Semper Fidelis Rhodesian Ridgebacks)

The Ugly

1) Given my tendency to be annoyed by stupid people, I’m pretty sure I would tire quickly (like…immediately) of everyone and their mother with a slightly-reddish dog telling me that their dog is a Ridgeback mix.  Pro tip:  That thing that only appears on your dog’s back sometimes?  Yeah, those are hackles.  STFU.



Fang–Chinese Crested


What do Cattle Dogs, Malinois, Jack Russel Terriers and my ex-boyfriend have in common? They’re all assholes. That’s right. I have a type. I love the pushy, bossy, rule-creating and not afraid to back it up, tried and true, assholes*. So it surprises me, likely as much as it surprises you that my true toy-breed love is the Chinese Crested. I had never truly considered one until cuddling with one of these tiny naked alpacas and then it was love at second hug.


There may have been wine involved (Photo courtesy of Dee “Déjà vu One Hot Habanero”

There may have been wine involved (Photo courtesy of Dee “Déjà vu One Hot Habanero”)


 The Good

1) They are crazy smart. Helpful smart, not so much, but if you need to plot a cat burglary, these guys are in, and would probably ask to run the explosives.Our professional opinion is “For the love of God don’t let them”. While not a traditional performance breed, Cresteds can and do excel in agility and obedience.


I fetch.  What can you do, asshole?

I fetch. What can you do, asshole? 

2) A wardrobe is a legitimate and necessary thing to spend money on and the options are absolutely hilarious and adorable.

3) Want to have a pun as a registered name? The Crested is your breed. You will hear more variations of nudity puns than you ever knew existed. The dirtier the better.

 4) If you want a small dog who’s game for anything but isn’t a terrier, a Crestie could be your dog. These dogs are just plain fun. Entertainers by nature they want to interact with you and be your constant companions.


Surfs up, moondoggie!

Surfs up, moondoggie!


The Bad

 1) You know how I said they were smart but not necessarily helpful? While they may not be evil geniuses they certainly know how to make their owners dance. From unstuffing couch cushions by way of zipper-opening skills, to escaping out of ex-pens and into an alleyway just because it seemed like a good idea at the time,a Crestie will keep you busy and not necessarily in the ways you expect.

2) One of the downsides to their lithe lean little bodies is their overall fragility. While they think they’re big and bad, they’re well, not. Bones can break and crazy falls from ridiculously high places they never shoulc have accessed in the first place are not unusual nor unheard of. As small dogs they’re also very very sensitive to minor weight changes. Three days of not-eating isn’t great for your Dane but it can mean massive weight-loss for your Crested.


I'm so broken

I’m so broken


3) Dislike the smell of sunscreen? Not overly fond of bathing your dogs? Then you don’t need this breed. Acne, sunburns and general contact allergies plague the breed. Their skin is a constant chore and it will never ever get easier.


Fun fact.  Cresteds tan.

Fun fact: Cresteds tan..

4) Puppymillers have begun to see the appeal of the little naked bastards. It will only continue to get harder to find well-bred healthy dogs.


The Ugly

 1) A paragon of health the Crested really is not though compared to many equivalent toy breeds, they’re in much better shape. Eye, teeth and joint issues tend to be the big problems though about half are genetic recessives and can be tested for and bred away from. The others can be painful for both your dog and your wallet so be prepared to ask your breeder a metric fuckton of questions on not only the parents of the litter you’re interested in, but their parents parents and so on and so forth.

2)  The main reason I don’t have 40 cresteds and live in a shoe right now is that people are assholes. Every twatface on the street has some smartass comment or stupid questions while groping the dog and frankly, I can’t take that kind of human interaction on a daily basis. I can barely handle it with the more traditional looking dogs I have already. There are also the reactions of friends and relatives to think about. More than one owner has been surprised by the vehement dislike people have had for their new naked. While I have no problems cutting off people who have nothing pleasant to say about my dogs, other people may have some reservations on that front.

*My ex was only one of those things. Guess which one.


Potnoodle–Bull Terrier

I have a type when it comes to dogs. I can admit that. I like them lean, tall and elegant. Then there is my weakness… the Bull Terrier. I don’t care what color, I don’t care what size… I love them. I’m also smart enough to realize that special brand of bull headedness would probably drive me crazy. After all, the AKC standad says the BT is “best described as a three year old in a dog suit”. Still, Every single one I meet makes me want one even more.

Catfish, credit to Hannah Bauchat


The Good

1) The drive. Seriously, there are some awesome bull terriers out there doing some awesome things. Obedience, Agility, whatever. If you know how to motivate them, they can probably do it. (Jane Killion, anyone?)

Catfish, again. You guys should have sent us more BT photos. I’ve just resorted to stealing these. Credit to Hannah Bauchat.

2) LOOK AT IT. If you don’t want to squish that egg head, something is wrong with you. The awesome part?. The bull terrier is totally down with you squishing his face. They’re a full contact dog, for the most part. While they don’t always know their own strength, the BT is a pretty sturdy dog with a friendly temperament.

3) Another thing mentioned right in the AKC standard, they’re total clowns. I have poodles, so obviously I appreciate a good sense of humor in a dog and there’s something about a bull terrier that just exudes “Joke’s on you!” but you just can’t help laughing along. Do us a favor. Go to youtube and search “bull terrier hucklebutt”. It’s okay, we’ll wait. Is your day now 30% better? You’re welcome.

3 ½) I’m sort of obsessed with the weird way their legs just stick out of their body. I can’t describe it, I just love it.

The Bad (  It’s a really good thing we’ve moved on to the bad because I have totally talked myself in to a BT at this point)

1) Destruction. You may have noticed in those videos you were stuck watching for like an hour, bull terriers are sort of… extreme. They’re like… frat boys. They don’t really mean to destroy everything they come in contact with… it just sort of happens. The owner of the lovely Catfish above calls him a “Bull Terrorist” and it’s isn’t inaccurate.

Credit to Donna Darnell

Credit to Donna Darnell


2) You may have noticed I mentioned Jane Killion above. She trains and breeds some really lovely bull terriers. For those of you not familiar with her work, the title of her book is “When Pigs Fly: Training Success with Impossible Dogs”…. and there’s a reason for that. Bull terriers can be a bit pig headed but once you clue in to how they learn well… refer to above.

The Ugly

1) Same sex aggression. Like most Bully breeds, the BT can be SSA. That doesn’t mean all of them are, in fact a lot of them seem not to be but same sex aggression isn’t something you can really spot until the dog approaches maturity so it’s a bit of a toss up when buying a puppy. While this is less of a big deal to some people, it’s pretty much a deal breaker for me… for now.


**What breeds do you love but can’t have?  Share below!**

WTF Wednesday

5 Jun

If this isn’t a slow dog-powered drill to hell, we don’t know what is.


Dog millMotorized Dog Walker

It may surprise you to learn that there is more than one company who makes these but only one came with a youtube instructional video.

Our favorite part is the Beagle desperately trying to pee while being hauled around by the harness. Her struggles were futile but what about a dog with some more, shall we say, heft?

That would be one way to trench the yard.

If you are as much like us as we suspect, your first reaction to this contraption beyond ‘What fresh hell is this?’ was obviously, ‘I need it.’  What’s not to love? It’s stupid-looking enough to piss off your neighbors and it totally removes the pesky human exercise aspect of walking your dog.

A few alterations including a squirrel bungeed to an RC car and some reverse engineering gobbeldygook and you have a generator to power the mini-fridge you need to hold the beer for sitting outside and watching the people gawking at your dogs.


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