An open letter….

23 Feb

Dear People who tell their ill-behaved small dog,  “Oh, don’t mess with that dog, he will eat you alive !” when you pass by us on a walk,

I’m afraid that one more comment or joke about how my dog could eat/kill/maim your dog will send me over the edge.  Truly, I might lose my shit.  You know who you are–that  person who with a yappy out-of-control little dog lunging at the end of his leash and barking frenetically at us while my dog walks calmly by.   I’m not quite sure what about my chill dog who literally hasn’t even acknowledged your dog’s existence screams “I’m gonna eatcha!”, but alas, the words seem to spew of your mouth with some regularity.

I’m pretty sure my dog hasn’t gotten into them.

 

Just because my dog is large, or of a certain breed, does not mean that he is looking at your precious pup like a slab of delicious bacon.  In fact, I’m actually the one trying to get away from your miniature hell-beast before it nips my big guy’s ankles.   Here’s the thing–my dog really doesn’t care about your dog, and frankly, even if he did, I’m responsible enough to make sure he doesn’t defend himself from your dog’s frantic behavior.

Maybe you should try it.

 

Look, I am sure some of you are joking when you say such things, but I’m pretty sure many of you aren’t.  Either way, it is super annoying and really not that funny.  If it were my dog misbehaving on the end of the leash and releasing the kraken on your dog, I am pretty sure you would be upset and wouldn’t find it funny, so I’m not entirely sure why I am supposed to laugh at your lame joke.

 

If you are someone who has said something like this before, please just stop.  Instead of laughing at the situation or making some lame comment, might I suggest (gasp) actually working with your dog to curb him of his bad behavior?  Ill-behaved dogs of any size are not cute, and neither are their owners who make light of it.

Even Grumpy Cat agrees.

 

Signed,

BusyBee

 

 

Westminster Kennel Club Drinking Game: Bottoms up!

17 Feb

We certainly aren’t the first ones to come up with a Westminster drinking game, but we would like to think that ours is the most fun.  So fill up your liquor cabinet and drink up bitches, it’s gonna be a wild couple days.

In case you live under a rock, the rules of the game are as follows:   Every time one of the following happens, follow the appropriate directive. Or else. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hear someone mention the word “alpha”. Take one shot and bang your head on the table.

Each time someone mentions the poodle “haircut”.  Eat a cupcake. It’ll soak up the alcohol. You’ll thank us later.

An announcer asks an asinine question (i.e. “Do Pointers really point?”). Take one sip.

The Friend-Zone: “This dog has a great personality!” Take one shot, and eat another cupcake because it’s never going to happen, Allen.

The Dick: “Independent personality” a.k.a. The Terrier group. Really this is just an excuse to get trashed on a week night, so take half a sip and chase it with some water.

Anyone in your general vicinity watching with you uses the adjective “frumpy”. Yell “This is how we do” and take a shot. Props to the frumpies.

One of the group dogs ignores or gives a “Fuck off” face to the host attempting to interview the four legged half of a show team. Take a drink and toast that dog.

The Patriot: Comment about ‘Murica’s dog. Take a sip of something foreign and spit it out in disgust. We drink watered down beer and grain alcohol. Go back to France, commie.

The Weimaraner enters the ring. Pick your favorite ‘Best in Show’ quote and yell it loudly. Whoever is most convincingly as a neurotic showy gets a lactose-free Starbucks drink upon their next venture into the real world.

A female handler is wearing gratuitous sequins.  Take two shots and put on a pair of sunglasses.

Someone mentions how ‘ancient’ a breed is.  Chug whatever you are drinking.  DO IT NOW.

Handler rolls their eyes. One shot and a cupcake. God knows they have to put up with enough crap this week.

Someone mentions that a celebrity owns a particular breed.  Punch your neighbor in the throat and call them Martha Stewart. Then go watch Orange is the New Black. Do it.

A host (Not you David, you rock.) grossly mispronounces a breed name (might as well prepare yourself before the Xoloitzcuintli) .  Take half a shot and hang your head in shame.

Can’t decide whether a dog is ugly, cute, or a foot-stool.   Make a toast.

A dog (most likely the Lab) is obese.  Eat two more cupcakes.

Someone comments on how skinny the Greyhound is.  Finish the cupcakes.

You know the dog. Take a sip.

You know the dog and it’s a dick. Take a shot.

You hear the phrase, “Don’t be fooled by this dog’s appearance”.  Roll your eyes and rehydrate with some water.

An announcer says “This breed makes a great family dog”.  Yawn and go get a refill.

A male handler doesn’t set your gaydar pinging.  Drink two shots, throw your hands in the air, and shout “hallelujah”

A female handler is actually wearing attractive shoes.  Finish off the entire bottle of vino.

A dog’s call name is your first name. Take a shot.

Finish the entirety of “God Loves a Terrier” during a Purina commercial. Everyone else with you takes a shot.

A dog has better hair than you.  Sob silently into your merlot.

A judge’s first name is Doris or Jean.   Call your grandma immediately.

You correctly guess the “Best in Show Winner”.   Immediately do the ‘told ya so dance’ and rip off your shirt in a fit of glory.

 

 


How to Avoid Making Asshole Moves at the Vet: A Tutorial

3 Feb

Imagine you’re at the doctor’s office waiting for your appointment and are feeling nervous. Then imagine a middle-aged man comes running up to you, sits uncomfortably close to you, and then proceeds to elbow you repeatedly while trying to make small talk while singing.  Most of us would be pretty annoyed, right?  So if this kind of behavior isn’t acceptable for humans, why do so many people let their dogs treat the vet waiting room like an unofficial dog park.


So here are some general rules that you should abide by while at the vet.  Failure to do so makes you Supreme Ultimate Asshole (and yes, there is a crown for that).

Like this, but with a giant dog turd on top

You’ve arrived at the vet and are now waiting for your turn in a waiting area covered with inspirational cat posters.  What should you do?

 

  1. Keep your dog on the damn leash.  For real.  And we mean the entire time too.

Nope

2. If you insist on using flexi-leads (and you know how we feel about those), lock the line.  No one wants to break an ankle on your tripwire-of-doom while you yap on your cell phone.

3. Ask permission before you let your dog approach another dog.  And if they say no, respect their choice and don’t force Princess Fluffypants on their petrified pooch.

And don’t think I won’t blame your dog.

4. The same goes for cats/critters in carriers.  Don’t be an asshole and let your dog harass little Bunny Foo Foo or the hissing cat in the cloth carrier.

5. If your dog isn’t okay with other animals or people in reasonable circumstances, request an appointment during quieter hours. If that’s not possible, bring a friend/someone who owes you money to sit inside as the place-holder to call you in from outside when it’s your turn. Even better get one of those nifty mobile vets who come to your house. It’s like a pizza delivery guy, but with more student loan debt.

 

So you waited, and sometimes waited and waited and now it’s Fluffy’s turn! Yes! It’s halfway over but wait… you still have rules to abide by.

  1. Is your dog a dick? Yes? Tell everyone who comes into the room. Repeat yourself until you think you may be annoying. If you are aware that your dog has the capacity to put a tooth through someone, not notifying them makes you a massive asshole. Bonus points for bringing your own muzzle and having it on before getting out of the car.

Better a duck than a dick

2. Look around. Is there a big-ass table in the middle of the room? Yes? Put your small/medium dog on it and hold them there. Really big dog? Hold off and wait for the vet. There may be some alternative arrangements for placement.

This is one alternative arrangement…

3. Have a question? Ask it no matter how stupid (And yes Virginia, there really are some incredibly stupid questions.) Better to be quietly snickered at later than accidentally harm your pet.

4. Be honest. If you are feeding for 70lb dachshund a rib roast with gravy every night for dinner, no one is going to believe “He just eats 1/8th of a cup and run two miles a day”. Most pet-owners’ lies are laughably unbelievable across the spectrum of animal industries so just don’t even try. Be an adult and take the lecture on your fat/unmedicated/benignly neglected dog.

And the vet tech too!

5. So help us God, do not ask for an arbitrary curative drug before the vet has even touched your pet. Veterinary medicine is certainly not straight-forward. While the novelty of the informed pet-owner imbues the average dog person with special status at their vet, that preferred status can be quickly lost by being ‘one of those’ owners. The needy pain-in-the-ass types. While you may be sure a round of steroids will clear up that phantom limp, treating your vet like an inconvenient pill-pusher won’t win you any friends or make your vet particularly inclined to assist you.

You did it. You survived the vet trip. Fido is healthy, happy and you had your questions answered and you followed our rules. Go team! But… there’s a few more things we should chat about….

  1. Don’t bash your vet if you intend to use them later on. If you still go to the practice and you didn’t bring it to the attention of the practice owner/manager it’s probably either not that important, not that serious or you may be being a bit of a special snowflake. The dog world especially is incredibly small. Calling your vet a jackass when you still go to them… not smart.
  2. Have a little perspective. Just because your vet doesn’t know the dosing of echinacea for your Persian’s sneeze or the Bone/Organ/Meat ratio for your raw fed dog,  doesn’t make them a bad vet, it makes them someone who has to google shit or look in a textbook like literally every other kind of doctor who is faced with something new. Vets will also make mistakes which a good one will cop to. It’s life, it sucks, it happens, we move on. They can also have bad days like everyone else.
  3. Bad vets exist. Rude, incompetent, nasty and plain old stupid people get into vet school too. We’ve yelled about them before and we probably will again. Most vets however, are not bad. If you attempt to treat all vets like they were bad, you will have a very difficult time finding a good one, and the constant in that equation is you.

So minions, what do you think?  What bad behavior have you seen at the vet?  Want to admit to being guilty of any of these?  We want to hear! 

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

1 Feb

Which is a cactus meant for your pooch and which is a cocktus meant for your….yeah….

 

A)

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B) 314k5GNyMGL._SY355_

 

 

 

 

So even though option A  appears to have double-prick action, it is indeed a dog toy, meaning that option B is the unfortunate sex toy.   Nothing screams pleasure like a cactus up the hoo-ha, are we right?

Drive? Where?

13 Jan

Not this kind of drive.

Let’s talk about drive for a minute. Pull ten different dog people from various sub-genres of the dog world and every single one will give you a different definition of drive. It can be  a good thing ( “My new Farfenhound is soooo drivey. He’ll be fantastic at farfing”), or it can be a bad thing (“Fluffy’s prey drive is so high, she’ll never be able to be around cats”).  And sometimes people just flat out misuse the term (pro tip:  hyperactivity does not a drivey dog make). At this  point, we’re pretty sure it’s just a word people throw around to make themselves look like they know what they’re talking about. (“I really wanted a drivey dog, that’s why I went with a pet bred miniature dachshund.”) We’re also pretty sure that many people who claim to own a “drivey” dog would poop their pants if they actually encountered one.

 

Here’s the thing about “Drive”. It’s not a fixed concept. Drive is fluid. It can be built. It can be quashed. It’s really mostly a load of horse-shit because in the long run it’s not the drive that matters. Want to be dismissed off-hand by people who actually know what they’re talking about? Talk about the drives incessantly. Prey drive, defense drive, fight drive, play drive, tug drive, sex drive, one drive, two drive, red drive, blue drive… Seriously. We get it. You read a lot of books and watch some youtube. We bow to your superior understanding of buzzwords.

Among us, we’ve never met a dog completely devoid of drive. We’ve met plenty of trainers that can suck any desire to work right out of a dog. We’ve met plenty that have an out of control dog and blame it on too much drive. Then there are the poorly trained and undirected pets that dominate the suburban landscape. Lastly of course, there are the trainers that are willing to maintain and build a dog’s natural eagerness to work while also maintaining control. Here’s a hint, those aren’t the trainers that are always bragging about how full of drive their dogs are. I know we preach this a lot, but it stands true. In dog training, the loudest talkers often know the least.

… so let me announce it to the entire world wide web!

For funsies sometimes we fact-check Facebook announcements on drive etc. (You would be amazed how much pure information is available online about any and every dog exploit you’ve ever had).  While we have full understanding of careers cut short by injury, ring sourness, and general lack of interest by the handler, if you’ve never done anything and bitch about how a young dog lacks <insert pointless drive buzzword here>, it’s not the dog.

 

So here’s the deal. Real training peeps recognize drive and can build or quash for their needs. They don’t have to talk about it ad nauseum. You shut up about drives, and we’ll stop yelling about how meaningless buzzwords dilute the value in actually educational training discourses,  Mmmkay?

 

Yahooooooooooo

6 Jan

You asked it, for we listened.  Below we have taken yet another stab at answering some of the best (read: worst) questions we found on Yahoo answers lately.  You’re welcome.

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No.  However, he may demand a muscle shirt and a vacation in Palm Springs. Really though, what exactly kind of homosexual experience are we talking about. Did he hump a male dog? Because we all know it’s only gay if he’s on bottom.

 

Screen Shot 2015-01-03 at 7.35.49 PM

It won’t cost much. Just your voice…Really though, that sounds delicious. What’s the price with a couple of slices of garlic bread?

 


Screen Shot 2015-01-03 at 7.45.17 PM

The answer is fucking surely not “post on yahoo answers”. Get thee to a vet, doucheschooner.

You’ll shoot your eye out!

 

 

Screen Shot 2015-01-03 at 7.50.16 PM

Shitty McGee, Mr. Hanky, a variety of other gross poop based names. Be a little more original, please.

 

 

 

 

Screen Shot 2015-01-03 at 11.21.29 PM

Let’s have a simple anatomy lesson, mmkay? Saliva comes from salivary glands, which are located in the mouth.  Unless your dog has some sort of canine vagina dentata, that stuff isn’t saliva.  Also, why are you so close to your dog’s nether regions? Creeper.

 


Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 2.20.27 PM

We don’t know, but can we get it toasted with some garlic and that bolonoodles from earlier?

 

 

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 4.29.38 PM

Clearly this is her coping mechanism to deal with her traumatic past. Please never store them out of your decrepit chihuahua’s reach, she needs them.

 

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 4.31.34 PM

Whoa man, this is a little deep to be between a question about when to tell your cat about sex (https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20150101162932AAEbIoB) and a post asking how to tell if your husky is pregnant.

 

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 4.32.18 PM

It’s like you don’t even fucking read The Dog Snobs

 

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 4.33.10 PM

Why do you dumbass ask stupid question?

 

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 4.33.46 PM

Spay her. Also yourself. Also, possibly your entire immediate family.

 

And to think these are only a tiny sample of the stupid…

Don’t Buy that Puppy in the Window

25 Dec

You only have a few hours left until Christmas, and if you’re like us, you’re doing the last minute “oh shit I’m running out of time” scramble.   While there are many suitable last minute gift options out there (think jewelry, electronics, and gift certificates), getting a puppy as a Christmas surprise is NOT one of them.  Seriously.  Don’t do it.

 

We’ve all seen those videos online of small children squee-ing with glee as a fuzzy puppy flops out of a box with a giant red bow.  Here’s the thing though. Kids (and frankly, a lot of adults) are notoriously unreliable (and smelly and gross…oh wait…different blog post).  Anyway, the puppy melts their hearts for a few days or weeks. The kids oohing and aahing under the tree while harassing the new puppy will soon move on to video games and  texting their friends 322 times per day.  It’s no coincidence that you never see viral youtube videos of a family ignoring their dog once the novelty wears off.

until I get bored.

One major problem with the surprise Christmas pup is that pretty much no ethical dog “provider” (whether it be a breeder or a shelter) will support the idea of giving a dog as a surprise present. Good breeders have spent years carefully creating breeding programs and selecting proper owners. Similarly, experienced rescue group volunteers and shelter workers generally hate the whole idea of the Christmas dog because they know many of those dogs will be coming back to them a few months later.

So what kind of dogs are readily available at Christmas?  Probably the ones you shouldn’t get. Puppy mills grind out thousands of puppies to meet holiday demand and fill up pet store windows around the country.  If we have to explain to you why one shouldn’t buy a puppy mill dog, then you should do us a favor and a) punch yourself in the throat and b) do a google search.  And not necessarily in that order.

So ultimately, if you are looking to surprise someone for Christmas, get them an Xbox or iPhone, or a nice cozy scarf instead.   When you get bored with it, you can shove it in a dark recess of your closet without worrying it will piss on your sweater and a chew a hole in your wall.

 

 

 

 

WTF Wednesday: That’s Just Shitty

4 Dec

It all comes back to poop, right?

 

Sad little turd

According to the company behind this lovely toy, “Abandoned at birth, Mr. Poops* could not understand why no one would want him. Alone, in the hot sun, he was left to dry out with no hope of survival. With each passing dog he hoped that he would not be so dried out that no one would recognize him as they sniffed looking to find their own family. Please adopt Mr. Poops and give him the family he deserves.

Enough with the orphan poop sob story. Can we track down the asshole who left Mr. Poops spattered on the sidewalk in the first place?  I am sure our vigilante poo crew  would love to swing into action.

Also, according to Amazon, Mr. Poops is 10 inches long.   Clearly Mr. Poops’ “creator” has been eating shitty dog food.  May we suggest a nice grain-free food instead?

So, who wants to welcome Mr. Poops into their home this holiday season?  Doesn’t everyone want to see a massive turd** on their family room floor or dangling from Fluffy’s mouth?

Tastes like…kibbles and shits?

*yes, they named him Mr. Poops.  We would like to think his first name is Seymour.

**pretty sure this is the same pattern used to create the classic toy “Shermy the Spermy”. Ok fine, we just made that up. That toy doesn’t exist…yet.

Throat Punch…Monday? A mini-rant by BusyBee

24 Nov

Something happens when you are in your 30s and single (other than begrudgingly joining online dating sites to appease your mother).  People start to say really stupid shit to you about your personal life.   While much of it is not dog-related (think, “What is someone like you still doing being single? or “You better hurry up!”), there are at least two frequent dog-related comments that I’ve had said to me that fuel my hate-fire.  To save you from looking like an assmarmot in the future, please don’t ever utter one of the following:

 

Say it. I dare you.

 

 

1. “Do you think you’re single because you are so obsessed with your dog?”

If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard something along these lines I could hire someone to throat punch all the idiots who say this shit.  Seriously, who says this and thinks it’s a good or helpful thing?  I’d rather be single and happy with my dog than stuck with someone who thinks that my love for my dog is abnormal.   If a would-be suitor thinks that posting multiple photos of my dog sleeping on my Facebook wall or having his photo as my iPhone background is a turn-off, then so be it.   Any guy I date will either have to hop on the crazy train with me or at least understand and appreciate my devotion to my dog.   Bonus points if he’s willing to join me in the silly songs I sometimes sing to Mr. T.

 

2. “You must not have kids”

Let’s be clear here.  Just because I don’t currently have a child does not make me less of a woman or less of a human.  Whether or not I choose to have children in the future is frankly none of your business and in no way related to my love for dogs.  Many of my friends have human kids AND dogs and both are much loved members of the family.  Do yourself a favor and don’t assume that dog-loving women who have not yet popped a baby out of their loins simply love our dogs so much because we don’t have a human baby to dote on.   I am not trying to fill some childless hole in my heart by showering my dog with love and affection.  Frankly, if anything, should I choose to have a child down the line, I’ll be a damn good mother  based on what I learned from my dog.

And that’s perfectly ok

 

Any other inane comments you’ve gotten that you like to share?  Want to call me a crazy dog lady?  Go right ahead!

 

Love the one you’re with, idiot.

27 Oct

“My next dog will be awesome!”

Low key and truthful.

Low key and truthful.

A reasonable sentiment for most dog people.


“My next dog will be super awesome at this thing I’m a novice at but I really like and I would love to continue this in the future!”

Get out your pen. We're being awesome.

Get out your pen. We’re being awesome.

Also reasonable.


“My next dog will be the best dog ever at this thing I’ve never really seen outside of youtube or the odd morning cable station but I’m pretty sure it’ll be a prodigy like Mozart or that kid I saw on Ellen! I read about it on the internet and therefore I know this to be true.”

It's like this all the time.

It’s like this all the time.

Considerably less reasonable, also apt to piss off about 50 people who know more than you and aren’t in the mood to tell you all the ways you are wrong because it’s exhausting and they don’t feel like being “the meanest person ever”/’Hater/”just jealous!” before 9am.


Occasionally Potnoodle gets a little song of her own invention stuck in her head while reading through facebook groups and forum posts. She has a horrible singing voice, so she won’t perform it for you. All you need to know is the title is “Train the one you’re with” and it goes to the tune of ‘Love The One You’re With’.

 

Answer us this, Dear Readers, what is it about young eager dog people that makes them constantly plan for the near-mythical next dog? The type of person that starts a sentence with “My next dog…” often has a perfectly good mixed breed/backyard bred lab-ish thing that is wasting his talent on occasional bouts of fetch and maybe a novice agility class while the owner sighs and dreams of Malinois and Border Collies yet to be.

 

No, we sit. That's what flyball is, sitting.

No, we sit. That’s what flyball is; Sitting.

 

We get it. You have a dog who isn’t the class prodigy. It is too old, not as drivey as you think you deserve, too not interested, or doesn’t have the same aptitude for what you are trying to accomplish as that other woman’s border collie who is her 6th OTCH/MACH/HC/ONYX and obviously that’s the dog you need to succeed with…. Umm. No.

 

No one says this to novices.

No one says this to novices.

 

Here’s the thing, most high drive dogs are a giant pain in the ass. You nod like you understand, but if you’ve never lived with it you have no clue. And you want to know the serious kick in the ass? Those super-high drive dogs are a bitch to train. You are bottling lightning with little regard for personal safety and a super interest in literally everything. The most successful performance dogs do not always have the highest drive… we know, shocker right? Also the more you bandy about the word drive, the more we hate you.

“I’m gonna need to take this because it’s mine and you are irrelevant to my purposes”

 

Did we also mention high drive dogs (Or even medium drive dogs) are assholes? Potnoodle and Fang can attest to teeth related injuries because one of the dumbasses decided they needed “THAT THING RIGHT NOW NOW NOW NOW!* and guess whose delicate and prone to bleeding teeny human fingers/wrists/legs got in the way? It’s not even the occasional asshole moment, it is a cavalcade of consistently assholic behavior packaged into a furry beast whose adorableness can and does wear very thin particularly when you’re prone on the ground writhing in agony because that bastard bit your pinkie again while taking you down at the knees over a tug toy and this time you swear you’ll file down his canines into divots! Did we also mention these are the fully trained adult dogs? Not even the assy adolescents? We joke about brain-damage to own some of these dogs but on some level, it’s really not a joke. These dogs are a lifestyle and while you’re just starting to walk, and really talking more about walking than making actual steps, it’s not a good idea to get an ultra-marathoner who already does everything better than you do.

 

Head wounds bleed profusely.

Head wounds bleed profusely.

 

So here’s a secret. Your dog will be screwed up. It’s probably not the dog’s fault. It’s your fault and that’s okay! You’re new! You’re allowed to fuck stuff up. We’ve all done it. That affable pet you have now is going to be incredibly more forgiving (BusyBee can attest to this) than that super drivey hell beast you have planned for your next dog. Trust us. The woman on her 6th absurdly talented dog had a fat little Sheltie or Beagle or Lab who started her on the journey too.

Just to make sure it's irreversible.

Just to make sure it’s irreversible.

 

Another secret, no decent breeder is going to sell you a drivey hell beast if you haven’t done SOMETHING with a dog before. Decent being the key word here. Those who fall over themselves to hand you a dog, probably don’t actually own the drivey hell-beasts and haven’t seen it turn into nightmare scenarios with previous purchasers just like you. Sure, you can run out and get a crappy backyard bred dog of your desired breed, and then you get to use the excuse of his poor breeding and you’re back in “My Next Dog…” land. The lovely land of internet forums also makes it so you can also talk a good enough game to appear knowledgeable and fleece a good breeder who isn’t as naturally skeptical of buzzwords as others. That makes you an asshole.

And our readers, obviously.

And our readers, obviously.

 

Basically kids, you need to learn what it is that you really want, rather than what you think you want. So you think you might want a Bordernoisterriattle Shepherd? Go visit people with them. Make nice. See if you can borrow or dog sit for a day or even just hang out. Talk to owners about trials and tribulations. Compare battle scars (Not that you have any yet). That woman with six dogs who have more titles than you thought existed? She’s paid her dues in literal blood, sweat and tears. Until you’re bleeding, sweaty and crying, you don’t need that dog and we promise you, you really don’t want that dog just yet. Keep your training wheels on for a while yet and dance with the dog you came with.

Who says success only comes in one package?

 

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