WTF Wednesday: D Cup Edition

10 Apr

Just what every dog needs–lingerie…to chew on.

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So the idea is that giving them these realistic lingerie chew toys will “keep Fido from munching your unmentionables” (ew).  And according to their website,  “These canine pleasers make a squeaky sound when chomped upon – just like YOU would if you were wearing them” (double ew).  Hey sicko, here’s an idea,  just give your pooch a questionable dog toy like the rest of us and call it a day.

 

Ok…and then there’s this fascinating tidbit found on a site for ANOTHER company that sells dog toy lingerie…

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People are buying these items as a package deal? What?  Are they starting a canine brothel?  Are they putting poor Muffy to work on the street corner to earn her keep?   All that is missing is pantyhose…oh wait…

Sex Toy Saturday

6 Apr

It’s Saturday.  You know what that means.   Time to make you really uncomfortable yet again.  So minions, which of the following belongs in your dog’s mouth and which belongs in your….erm….purse?

Option A



Option B

Questioning all those times your grandmother told you to never leave home without your lipstick?  Ready to answer?  Good.

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Option A is a Petco lipstick dog toy and Option B is an “incognito” lipstick vibrator.    That’s right.  It goes on “those” lips.   Of note, both claim to be durable and made to withstand hours of aggressive play.   Fantastic.

 

WTF Wednesday

3 Apr

Poopsy Pets literally poop rainbow, glitter, and jewels.   And then eat it again.   Then shit it right back out.  

yeah, and we bet your shit don’t stink either.

This is a serious issue, people.  Poopsy Pets clearly suffer from Coprophagia .Instead of amusing us for hours, this dog clearly needs to see a veterinary behaviorist.  Wait no. That’s not even a dog. That’s a unicorn. Who do you take mythical creatures in need of immediate medical attention to?

And what does this teach our chlildren about potty training?  There’s nothing magical about it. This doll teaches children it’s okay to eat one’s own feces (And also that it’s okay to match your pets but that’s a different post.)

At least Bowel Movement Barbie  comes equipped with a pooper-scooper but the dog is also on a flexi so we’re not really sure who we disapprove of more in this situation.

You’re welcome

1 Apr

The Dog Snobs have an exciting Announcement to make….

 

We will be releasing a line of calendars, mugs and commemorative statues of shirtless men holding furry creatures. That’s right, starting next week you can buy your own Official Dog Snob “Fluff and Flex” memorabilia   We know how much you’ve loved the random hot men who pop up in our blog posts, so we thought we would save you the trouble of searching through your browser history and bring them all to you in one place!

Meow Chika Meow Meow

We think he’s confused about the weather, but we’ll let him hold our sweater puppies.

No, no. The goat jokes are too easy.

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G’day Mate!
**Keep an eye out next week for more information on how to order your Fluff & Flex gear.  We hope you’re as excited as we are!**

Yahoo Answers….we can’t quit you

1 Apr

We should know better than to read Yahoo answers.  No good can ever come of it.  We lose brain cells.  We yell at our computer screens.  We stress eat.  And yet, we can’t look away.  So here, once again, are our responses to some recent Yahoo answers questions we came across.  The stupid…it hurts.

 

 


It depends.  Is it whole wheat?  Organic?  The future is actually in gluten-free, so you might want to look into how to bread those too.   And we prefer our dogs living, so we aren’t really sure if you could profit off of non-living ones.

 

 

Because giving a puppy as a gift is ALWAYS a good idea.   No really, just don’t do it.  People like surprises, but living breathing surprises are generally a bad idea.   Maybe save the big red ribbon for a pet rock or a nice bottle of wine.

 

 

Step 1:  Take picture of dog.

Step 2: Print out. Preferably in color.

Step 3:  Tape on Alpo can.

You’re welcome.

 

 

Um, what?  Go home Yahoo answer poster, you’re drunk.

 

 


Ok, hold up.  Isn’t this something you should, you know, talk to your “breeder” about.  Why on earth are you asking strangers on the internet?  Let us guess…you purchased this dog from a website with a paypal button and an online shopping cart feature.

 

You’re new to this?  Noooo.  We never would have guessed.  Seriously.  If you don’t know how to do that, how are you going to deal with whelping?  This is a disaster waiting to happen.  Call a vet.  Now.

 

 



Is he staring at your vayjayjay or is he just following you into a room because he wants to be near you?  This is an important distinction.  Really though, it’s not that weird that your dog wants to be near you.  You could always close the door though if you’re concerned.  It’s as easy as 1…2…shut the damn door! The more important question to ask is whether you like that your dog seems to like to watch you pee?  There’s a dark corner on the internet for that stuff, and it certainly isn’t here.

 

 

We know what your dog is thinking: “Why is my owner such a dumbass?  What did I do to deserve this?  Shall I shit in her shoe now or later?”

 

**Missed our previous answers?  Want to relive the snark?  Check them out here  and here **

 

 

 

“My dog has never done that before”….

22 Mar

Today’s Public Service Announcement is brought to you by the letter “S”, as in, we really want people to stop spewing the phrase “He’s never done that before!”  Just stop.  STOP.



We’ve all heard it before, the rage inducing phrase, “He’s never done that before!”, usually following a particularly egregious display of bad dog behavior.  It seems to be the go-to phrase after a dog acts a fool and is usually in lieu of an actual apology.  When we hear this cringe-worthy phrase, we are apt to think one of two things:

 

1. While technically Sir Fluffykins has never actually shot across the sidewalk on his flexi-leash and bitten a stranger before,  his owner  was either unaware of or in denial about the obvious signals that the Fluffs has been showing.   Let’s be clear.  Dogs rarely, if ever, attack for no reason. We often misinterpret a dog attacking “out of the blue” and “without warning”‘ because we simply missed the signs.  Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean that your dog wasn’t giving every indication that he was about to go all Piranhaconda on a passerby.

But he WILL try to eat a passing cyclist

But he WILL try to eat a passing cyclist

 

2.  Sir Fluffykins has a canine rap-sheet longer than his shitty pedigree and the owner would rather lie about it than admit that their dog is a nuisance, or worse yet, dangerous.  

 

In the first scenario, as annoying as this phrase can be, we won’t throw too much shade at you as long as you actually acknowledge the issue and <gasp> take action to prevent you from becoming a repeat offender (see #2 above).  Ignoring the behavior or shrugging it off as a freak incident is only going to bite you in the ass (or more likely,  in someone else’s ass) later on.

And for those people who fall into category 2?  Suck it (also brought to you by the letter S). Why on earth would you continue to set your dog up for failure and allow them to repeatedly be an asshole?  There are so many things you can do to manage a dog with a history of dangerous behavior.  Does your dog go after anything with wheels?  Don’t take it to a skate park.  Does your dog dislike children?  Put the dog away when kids come over to your house. And if your dog is a known biter, manage the crap out of them, and if you must be around things that trigger your dog, there is no shame in putting him in a muzzle.  We’d much rather you walk around with a Hannibal Lecter look-alike than walk around acting like nothing is wrong biding your time before you tell someone else, yet again, that your dog has never done this before.  That shit gets around, and by the fifth time you’ve told someone in the neighborhood that your dog has never attacked another dog before, people will be on to you.  You know what happens when you piss off your whole neighborhood? People show up with pitch forks and torches. Or the HOA…..either way, don’t be that person.

 

 

**Tired of hearing this phrase? What about any of these others rage-inducing phrases we’ve covered before ?  Let us know in the comments!**

Owner Profile: The Mascot Moron

15 Mar

Description:

What says “I have extreme devotion to a sports team of a college I didn’t even attend” like purchasing a living breathing embodiment of that team? No, we’re not talking about that weird guy that makes his kid dress up like a pirate on game day (though we have a lot of judgement for him too…) We’re talking about the morons that buy a dog breed just because their favorite sports team is represented by one.  The Mascot Moron (MM) has attained a dog solely because they think it would be the ultimate show of school spirit…and stuff.  Things like temperament, exercise needs, and so on are rarely, if at all, considered when a MM decides to get a dog.

Next step:  Become a Mascot Moron.  Possibly add another dumb tattoo

Next step: Become a Mascot Moron. Possibly add another dumb tattoo


Common Locations:

College campuses and cities across the U.S.   The closer to a major sports team you are, the more MMs you are likely to run into.

Breeds Owned:

Most commonly Bulldogs or Huskies although other teams do have dog mascots.  That being said, we highly doubt that entire college towns are being overrun with Salukis (we’re looking at you Southern Illinois University Carbondale).

This image has inspired no one to get a Saluki ever. It looks like a smog covered, pissed off Falcor.

This image has inspired no one to get a Saluki ever. It looks like a smog covered, pissed off Falcor.

 

Skill Level:  

Low.  So very, very low.  Having done no other research than googling “cool names for a Husky”, the MM is woefully unprepared for the dog they end up with.

That’s still more than your owner does.   (We know this is a malamute. His owner probably doesn’t)

That’s still more than your owner does. (We know this is a malamute. His owner probably doesn’t)

Catch Phrases:

“College was the best time of my life”, “Dude, did you see the game?”, “Do you think we can teach Gumbo to do a touchdown dance?”

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Wardrobe:

Anything with university logos, flip-flops year-round regardless of climate, full body paint at football games. Their dogs are also easily spotted by the jerseys and collar leash sets to match their chosen team.

Damnit. Haven’t we talked about mixing breeds?

Damnit. Haven’t we talked about mixing breeds?

 

Anecdotal Evidence:

 

BusyBee:

If I had a dollar for every clueless idiot I saw being dragged around by a Husky in my city…I could afford to send my future child to a private college.   Scratch that.  I could buy like 1,000 Paco Collars.  Anyway,  living in a city where everyone and their hapless mother owns a Husky because they want to show their school spirit has definitely been interesting, because you know, Huskies are such easy dogs.  While there are many qualified Husky owners in my area, chances are that if one is owned by someone under 30, is accessorized in college logo gear, and has a name similar to or the same as the actual university mascot or any of the last 5 incarnations, they’re a MM.  These are generally the people you want to avoid as they literally have done nothing with their dog other than training it to bark to the school fight song (arooooooooo).   These are also the same people who can’t seem to figure out why their dog ate their limited edition throwback jersey after being left alone all day or why it scaled their four foot fence and chased a cat while being shut outside during the fantasy football draft.


Potnoodle:

I also live in a college town. Thankfully, not a dog mascot. Our mascot is the Gamecock, and while there’s plenty of irresponsible cock ownership going around… that’s not what I’m here to complain about. Nay, friends, I’m here to complain about my neighbours.The Georgians and their beloved UGA. Ah, Uga. That wrinkly face, those stubby legs, that inability to breathe so hindered by humid southern air. You know what’s slightly less of a downer than your favorite team losing the game? Your dog having a heatstroke at the tailgating party. No worries, you can just replace your beloved Uga… that’s what they do with the real mascot anyway! In fact, Uga VII and Uga VIII both lived only one year before keeling over, being buried in the stadium and then promptly replaced by another monstrosity from the same lines because if there’s one thing that the south loves more than football… it’s keeping it in the family. *

*I’m allowed to make incest jokes. I live here.

 Anyone want to admit to being a Mascot Moron? Want to throw a family member under the bus and identify them as a MM?  Going to have Saluki-filled nightmares?  Share below!

WTF Wednesday

13 Mar

In four simple steps and for a steal at just  $28.95, you too can wash your dog’s paws with ease with the Paw Wash.  Have any questions?  Sure you do, and luckily they even have a FAQ page.   Pro tip:  If you have to follow a series of steps and ask questions about washing your dog’s feet, you’re doing it wrong.  Also, perhaps we’ve been warped by one too many Sex Toy Saturdays… but does this look like a flesh-light to anyone else? Just us? Okay…


And just when we thought it couldn’t get any more stupid….they added a Doodle.

 

WTF Wednesday

5 Mar

Usually, our WTF stands for “What the fuck?” and it’s meant for some bizarre dog product we’ve run across.  This week though, we want to pose a different question for you.

Why The Fuck do these smell like satan’s asshole?

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Like the four horseman of the apocalypse, but smellier.

Seriously.  We raw feed.  We frequently give our dogs tripe.  We’re used to some pretty stanky things. Potnoodle once lost a bag of hot dogs from training under her seat. For a week. In August. The putrid hot dog smell is White Diamonds compared to the homeless on bourbon street smell of these so called  jerky “treats”.  BusyBee originally thought maybe it was just the crawfish ones that smelled like the bottom of a swamp trawler, so naively bought the alligator ones the next week.  Nope.  Gator is just as bad.  Possibly worse.  This is a stink that just don’t come out. It leaches into your skin, perhaps into your nasal cavities. Forever. The rest of your life, you will be referred to as “that weird person that smells like the docks”. Do you want that to happen? We didn’t think so. Consider yourself warned.  And if you are one of those people that is contrary and have decided that you must now buy this product? We suggest wearing gloves.  And giving to your dog outside.  Upwind.

Dear Thinkdog, We have a question for you. Why do these godawful creatures smell so bad? Do you do that on purpose? Also, where do you manufacture this fuckery, because we need to cross it off our places to visit list. We’re pretty sure the entire town smells like rotten fish and broken dreams.

A Beginner’s Guide to NOT being an Assmarmot a.k.a. That time we talked about show etiquette again because some people weren’t paying attention

3 Mar

We here at The Dog Snobs are, despite all outward appearances actually pretty decent people. You can think of us like Emily Post if she swore like a sailor, was covered in dog hair and had a questionable grasp on which fork goes with what (Out-to-in kids. It’s very simple.). So you’ve mastered the basics  now because some little munchkins ruined a few solid weekends we’re gonna go over some of these again.

1) Respect your elders and your betters.

Let's be honest, that's what the rally Q ribbons are...

Iron your Rally Q ribbons, same thing,

Check the pissy attitude at the door. We don’t know who you are. We don’t care who you are. There is always someone out there who knows better than you do. If someone is honestly trying to give you a head’s up on a rule change or can see you’re new and is passing along a bit of helpful advice, sit down and shut up. Whether you end up using that advice is a different story, but it’s only respectful to listen. The person that thinks they know the most about dogs often knows the least.

2) You don’t have to take advice given.

Or have spongey pizza. you know, whatevs.

Or have spongey pizza. you know, whatevs.

Rarely is advice given that doesn’t have a good intention behind it. See the good, thank the person and move on. Occasionally advice is nasty or judgmental or just not the way you would ever consider training something. “I’ll take that into consideration, thank you,” and a quick scurrying away is more than sufficient. Going into detail, arguing or just getting nasty just falls back under Rule 1.

3) Jeans are rarely appropriate. Jean-anything else (Shorts, minis, dresses, vests) are NEVER APPROPRIATE.

All jorts, always.

All jorts, always.

Rule of thumb for any trial is clean and tidy.We really hope that’s your rule in your day to day life, but we aren’t here to judge your pajamas or hoochie club wear. What annoys the hell out of us is inappropriate clothing in trials that clearly have a dress code or an implied level of competition. Yeah, Obedience, we’re looking at you. Dress like you have someone to impress, not like you’re going to hang out at the mall with the other kids.

4) For the love of God read the damn rule book

Performance is surprisingly one place that doesn't help.

Performance is surprisingly one place that doesn’t help.

Know how to hold the leash in obedience? Pro-tip, the other weekend only two entries out of Beginner Novice A did and one was because I threatened to cut off her hands*. It’s free online. At least take a glimpse at the class you’ve paid to be evaluated for. It will only take away a little bit of time from your already inefficient training style.

5) If your dog is an ass, learn to apologize.

The beer will cut the sting a bit.

The beer will cut the sting a bit.

Rude dogs are rude. Owners who ignore the rudeness are assholes. Don’t be an asshole. If your dog is an ass, apologize. It will save us all a lot of DogShowScores stalking and trash talking.

6) Dog Shampoo and a comb cost less than an entry fee. Buy them first.

Not inside the show grounds you are not.

Not inside the show grounds you are not.

Please don’t show up for a trial with a ratty ass dog. Bathe it, brush it, make it look like someone loves it. Show some respect for your dog, the judge and the sport.

7) You did badly, own it.

Accept it and move on.

Accept it and move on.

You had a bad show day. Your dog NQed. You tripped over a rally sign. What you thought your dog would be a natural for they had a humiliatingly bad failure in. Tough titties, kitties. Your performance, your dog’s performance and your collective performance are yours. Own it. “I had a bad weekend. I am disappointed. We’ll try again.” is the refrain of the good dog people, the triers we see out there working hard improving things one bad weekend at a time. The whiners conversely are focusing their problems outward. You can say that other people are mean to their dogs and your dog is too smart for the activity and blah blah blah… but here’s a little tip; No one is impressed by your excuses. No one. Shut up and train it, or just go away. No one wants you here.

It’s really not that hard to show and be courteous or to find courteous people but some days it can be a challenge. Keep on keeping on minions and try to at least be courteous to one another. It’s a chore but we don’t have to mop up blood later.

*We’re friends. It’s okay.

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