The Kinds of People you find in Obedience Classes.

18 Apr

1) The diamond-in-the-rough

This person comes into class having had little to no prior dog training experience, and may even be a first time dog owner.  However, they quickly impress with their common sense (a rarity, it seems) and ability to learn new information. You want to hug these people but you don’t because it’s weird.

2) The doing-it-all-wrong-dipshit

You say zig, they zag…three times…and then tangle themselves up in the leash.   They are often acutely aware of how unskilled they are, but can’t seem to fix it.  Holding a leash and treats at the same time is apparently too much to ask.  Common sense eludes these people, and you are often left wondering how they manage to keep themselves alive, let alone their dog.

So wrong. It hurts

3) The been-there-done-that bitchface   

We’ve all met this person–the person that has SOOOO much dog experience and isn’t afraid to let everyone else know.  From interrupting the trainer to giving unsolicited advice to fellow classmates, this type of student just can’t help but be a know-it-all.  Even though they may very well be right in some cases, they consistently overstep their bounds and act like they are ones in the charge.  Prepare to see shade thrown between them and the poor trainer being paid to deal with her.

… I sleep talk?

4) The Incessant question-asker

While asking questions is a good thing, this person takes it to an extreme.  They are so bad that you often feel like the trainer spends more time addressing their neverending questions than actually teaching the class.

Stop snickering… Yes I know I’m adorable.

4) The “My spouse is making me come” sad sack

You can usually spot this person based solely on the bored expression and perpetual non-subtle texting on their phone. The kids/spouse just “had to have” this puppy and now the only one not gung-ho is stuck doing the actual work. Often they will come to a class or two before disappearing off in Avalon never to be heard from again. If they stick around it is a painful painful process for all involved if their attitude remains strictly in the ‘not my dog’ camp.

Sometimes it’s loud and yelling.

5) The “He is my therapy dog” Cheater.
Did you know you can fly therapy dogs for free? This guy does and even redirecting to the ADA for clarification on where their un-pottytrained 14 week old shih tzu can enter legally ends in much sighing. Your instructor will spend weeks trying to explain the difference between a service dog and a therapy dog before giving up when the assbag shows up with a vest and badge proclaiming their Service Dog status.

It’s not that hard asshole.

6) The Doubting Thomas    

Hopefully your instructor isn’t literally trying to get you to believe in their reincarnation but the Doubting Thomas takes every bit of purchased advice as a grain of salt to be studied under a microscope before being dismissed because “Tha’ll never work”. Often the Doubting Tomii will have “tried everything” and “done everything” after 45 seconds of concerted effort before giving up in a huff of self-righteous laziness. Their dog will never get it ever and everyone should know it’s because nothing you tell them will ever work never.

So much d-bag.

7) The Future Agility Superstar

The FAS is just here because the stupid instructor won’t let them right into competition agility classes. Their dog already sort of listens… kind of…. well how important is a recall anyway, and they are ready to take on the agility courses they saw on TV now now now! Their dog would be great and the only thing holding them back is your instructor’s inept teaching and a lack of faith in Princess Puffybritches’ adorableness when she jumps up on the counter and eats 14lbs of Halloween Candy. She can dog this and you will hear about it endlessly and how much of a waste of time “remedial” classes are for the savants they have yet to become.

Scramble Princess Puffybritches! Scramble!
8) The Enthusiastic Participant
The Enthusiastic Participant absorbs information like a sponge, has relevant and interesting questions and has clearly attempted their homework every week… they just do it wrong. They are the dream student until you have to watch them muddle through. The enthusiasm and interest is there but the physical skill, timing and sense of appropriateness is totally lacking. Your instructor will spend hours after-class with these people trying to mold them into the savvy dog person they’re trying so hard to be. Equidistant between ‘Doing it Wrong-Dipshit’ and the ‘Diamond in the Rough’ it’s a short leap to either conclusion from that middle-ground.

Goals are good…

Dog Breeds V: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly e.g. Shorty Get Down

23 Mar

Time for more breed profiles, we know, we’re overdue. Tough Titties. This time we’re tackling the breeds whereupon it’s easy to believe there is in fact  a connection between pleasantness and length of leg. That’s right kids, it’s time for the Achondroplastic (There’s a Scrabble word for you) breeds per our selection. Brace yourselves for a lot of short jokes.

Pemmies, Cardis and for funsies their peasant cousin, the Vallhund (Sort of)

Okay, so technically a Vallhund isn’t a Corgi but it has the same shape and can also be a big dirty asshole, so we’re lumping it in, so ha.

The Good:

-Want a sport dog? Drive a compact car? We’ve got the dog(s) for you. There’s a reason you see a ton of corgis at dog sports. They’re good at it, despite the length of their legs. They are generally good with kids and make great junior dogs, in conformation or performance.

-These are dogs bred to take a kicking and keep on ticking (literally). Both breeds of Corgi are dogs that can run with you or go for a long hike and come right back in and snuggle down in your apartment. They’re hardy and fairly healthy. Certainly not frail dogs.


-Owning a Vallhund means that you can own a rare breed without people thinking you are a snob.  The flip side of this is that you will spend a great deal of time convincing people your dog isn’t some sort of Corgi mix.

The Bad:

Before we dive in to the bad, we’ve gotta split these guys up. First off, the Cardigan is the one with the tail, the Pembroke is the one with the queen and the Vallhund is the one with the vikings.

-The Pembroke is spitzier (Cardigans have rounder ears and softer personalities), and everything that comes with that. They can be sharp and reactivity is not uncommon.

Similar to the Kraken, but longer.


-Corgis love to get fat. Real fat. They’re easy keepers and usually very food driven, always a dangerous combination. Combine that with their short legs and long back and you’ve got a recipe for the bad back mentioned below.

The Ugly:

-Like every other breed on this list, Corgis are prone to back problem because of their length of back. That’s an expensive surgery, lots of rehab and a long time to keep a normally active dog fairly still and calm.

-The hair. So. Much HAIR. These dogs walk into a room, puffs out their cheeks and Poof! Blows hair on every surface. Honestly, it’s almost magical if you don’t have to be the one vacuuming it all up.  Get used to find  wafting balls of hair in corners and under furniture.   And on your clothes.  And in your food.  And in other places we dare not mention.


The Good:

-These tiny creatures are a bundle of fun (albeit not always in the way you would want them to be).  Full of spirit and energy, prepare to be kept on your toes by owning one.  They are attention-loving clowns who will steal the show whenever they can.  If you are someone who can find the joy in your dog stealing baby Jesus from a Christmas display (seriously, BusyBee has a friend whose dog did this), then you might be well-suited for this breed.


Loyal to the core, Dachshunds bond strongly with their owners and are almost underfoot (literally).  Dachshund owners will tell you that they are sweet, affectionate, and cuddly with those that they deem acceptable, but may not be so with strangers.

Blanket Burrower: Expert


The Bad:

Ever heard of Doxie World Domination? Well, it’s a real thing.  Many Dachshund owners can attest that these dogs are cute, they know it, and they aren’t afraid to use it to manipulate you.


-Barking is actually bred into this breed. They were bred to hunt small game and bark to alert his human. If you want silence in your home, don’t get a Dachshund.

-They’re like pringles, you can’t have just one.  Seriously, most Dachshund owners start with one and then slowly (or not so slowly) start adding to the herd.   While this may not seem like a bad thing, imagine some of the less desirable traits in multiples.  You might want to invest in some ear plugs.


The Ugly:

It should be no surprise that these feisty little creatures are prone to back injuries.  Add in a propensity to be overweight and a love of dive-bombing off of furniture or anything else they can climb up on, you have a recipe for disaster.


-If you are looking for a highly biddable dog, you should look elsewhere.  Dachshunds tend to have a mind of their own. They believe they are in charge at all times. They like to decide where they are going, when they are going there and what they’ll do when they arrive.  That isn’t to say they can’t be trained, but it will take a lot of patience and a sense of humor.


Basset Hounds

The Good:

Just seeing one toddling along is enough to make anyone smile.  They tend to approach life with a certain joie de vivre that can be contagious.



-If you’re looking for a dog that just wants to hangout, take casual walks, and chill out on the couch you don’t need to look much further. Most Bassets are pretty Bro-ish dogs. They’re cool to go on a weekend warrior hike, or hang out and drink some beers., Whatever dude.


The Bad:

– Although they are short haired, Basset Hounds shed more than you might expect, and tend to drool after they eat or drink. A Basset Hound may not be a good choice for someone who likes a very tidy house or doesn’t like slobber hanging from their lamps…and their furniture…and their ceilings. 

If you live in a city, or have neighbors who are looking for any reason to hate you, the vocalizations of a Basset will not win you any friends.  They’re a breed of dog made to make noise, and they’re very good at that. People that love them tend to love the baying but not so much their upstairs neighbor.

The Ugly:

-Bassets just aren’t healthy dogs. Yes, yes, we know you have an uncle with a pack of hunting Bassets that are healthy as horses. We’re not talking about those. They’re prone to numerous genetic issues, allergies, and of course the back issues of all the other breeds on this list. Their ears alone are a nightmare, thanks to their general droopiness. They are also another breed that tends towards fat.

-The basset is a breed pretty heavily impacted by BYBs, because of their cuteness. As always, one should be careful where one gets their Basset.

Probably not to standard


-Hound Stank is also a very real thing.


WTF Wednesday

12 Mar

Drink up, bitches.

Because our dogs apparently deserve better than tap water, a company has created sparkling dog water that comes in a bedazzled bottle. Seriously. And, at only $30 for a four pack, your dog can drink in style and empty your pockets at the same time. Wonder how many bottles it takes to fill the toilet up,  if we’re talking about fulfilling our dog’s wildest desire.

Wishes do come true!


It’s not that I don’t want to take your money: A Letter to today’s disgruntled clients.

7 Mar

Dear Indignant Client,

Today I am pissed. As you have seen I work in a dog-themed business in a management-type capacity. I don’t manage employees, I do however have independent and, on my work days, sole control over what essentially amounts to a Pass/Fail evaluation to determine admittance to our Shangri-la. I manage who comes in and today you failed repeatedly and amazingly, so I’d like to explain to you my reasoning because you seemed offended and confused. I heard you call me stupid and I’d like to explain exactly what transpired to you, since you seemed unwilling and unable to see it.

Just kidding. It’s both.

I saw you walking in, or should I say, being dragged in, barely keeping your balance as your hell hounds charged through the parking lot, paying not a lick of attention to the useless bags of flesh at the end of the lead (That would be you). You laughed, or maybe you half-heartedly told the dog to quit, flapping your flexi leash like a mentally-challenged chicken attempting to fly.

And he still has better leash control than you do. Think about that one.

That dear client, that was your first failure. It showed me you had no control of your dogs and little to no desire to gain that control. Whatever your dog does will be “Cute”, “So funny” or “I don’t know he’s just like that”. You feel no personal responsibility for your dog’s behavior and aren’t inclined to acquire it despite signing a contract with me to the contrary. I watch this, shaking my head, and mentally preparing for the fiasco, all the while hoping your lack of responsibility or caring will be made up for by your animals’ exceedingly good nature and forgiving temperament.

My little munchkincakes is such a delightful companion.

Your entry into my work-space is calamitous. Your hell-hounds attempting to lay siege to the gate starts what could only be described as a battle of decibels when the shrieking of disgruntled cattle dogs rattle the gates and the eardrums of those of us unfortunate enough to listen. You giggle when I tell you to please move your dogs back. “Oh they’re fine,” you tell me, allowing obscene vertical advances over the gate into cattle dog country. When the gate suddenly and forcefully pushes outward as twenty-five pounds of unmitigated Australian rage hits it, you jump back. That vicious dog could hurt your precious babies. “Mine will not be,” I tell you. You get an inkling that I’m not pleased, but I’m probably a bitch anyway so who cares what I think.

Nothing. Like what my dogs think of murdering yours when it jumps over the gate.

That dear client was your second failure. It showed me that you truly believe that you know best, regardless of the needs and concerns of others. Your dogs are “fine”, therefore everyone else’s dogs must be fine with whatever yours may or may not do, and therefore their owners must also be fine. I do not claim perfection for my charges. I asked you not to do something. You ignored me. That doesn’t bode well. It also tells me that left to their own devices your dogs are assholes. While this doesn’t make entry impossible it does require you to get your head out of your ass. While I understand it’s warm and safe in there, the real world would appreciate your participation in things that involve you.

So much advice for you… So very very much.

You have your required paperwork (Shockingly), and I give you the other forms. You fill them out, only grumbling mildly about how much work it is to write your name and read a few lines of text. It’s a stretch, I understand. All the while I’m managing my own hell-creatures desperately attempting to keep yours from making it into their space and starting what I could only describe as ‘Lord of the Flies’ with more swearing. Finally the arduous task of simple word construction is over and we’re ready for the moment of truth; The temperament test. I explain the rule, a simple off-leash greeting in our big room. My big sweet boy is my barometer. He is sweet and big enough to not get squashed in a conflict and he refuses to engage in squabbles. Your first dog is a delight. Sweet, gentle and attempting to provoke a playful response from my boy. He complies and they bow and scramble at each other playfully. My pesky puppy joins the fray and your first dog alters the play to include her and yet not overwhelm her. I will enthusiastically pass *that* dog. The second dog enters for what should have been a similar test. The grumbling from the start is not unexpected but the repeated posturing over everyone is not promising. Refusal to disengage from said behavior on a recall, and proceeding to bully each of the the others to a corner and continue to ignore your plaintive calls to “Sweetiecake Mufifn Prince of My Heart!” is the nail in the coffin. “I’m sorry but he does not pass. He cannot go in”

At this point, dear client, we were at a draw. I can grumpily overlook the lack of control, training, and concern for others, because through pure luck, you have one really excellent dog-friendly dog who listens to strangers. Your second dog could be really awesome but we will never know for sure because of said things I am unable to overlook because he is not in fact dog-friendly. We could have left as friends (Not really.You suck hard.) but then you had to go and ruin it, client by opening your stupid-filled mouth.

It’s indignant bullshit filling, Mr. Shark. Sorry about that.


“I can’t believe you won’t let him in. We’ve never had a problem, and it was just with that one dog! He just doesn’t like German Shepherds. This is ridiculous. Nothing even happened. This place is a joke I would never pay to come back here.”

As I unclench my jaw and swallow the words I feel rising in my mouth. Firstly, Believe it. I take *real* safety issues incredibly seriously. Your dog poses a safety risk for others, human and canine. He is a bully and you show no interest in gaining control over his less than desirable traits. Secondly, if you haven’t had a problem yet, it’s because you’ve either refused to recognize his behavior as a problem and ignored it likely pissing off others like myself extensively, or because you don’t take him anywhere. Thirdly, my big male is essentially the toned-down version of most park dogs. He isn’t overtly pushy. He won’t bounce your dogs around in rough play. If they have an issue with him odds are pretty good it won’t be good with others. We tried with puppy, no improvement. So, it was two vastly different personalities, sizes and appearances. Fourthly, neither dog is a GSD, but thank you for playing. Yes, it is in fact ridiculous but not for any of the the aspects that you’re considering.I offer to let you use our training yard but you stomp out in a huff.

Angry! Fury! Breedism!

This is your third and final failure, client. It’s not that I don’t want to take your money, in fact, were I less scrupulous, I would do precisely that. I can kick you out per owner discretion without giving you a refund, see? If it were about the money, I’d let you in to run amok and ruin everyone’s day with your ill-mannered dog and your shitty attitude. The bitching about you and your dog alone would ruin my day, and frankly I’m not interested in dealing with anyone else’s shit today so my money grubbing plans will have to wait. And just so we’re 100% clear, when I say your failure, I do in fact mean you. I failed you today, not your dog. Your dog simply didn’t pass. Their likelihood of passing in the future is fully determined by you. You failed and you failed your dog.

And it’s all yours/ Lucky fella.

So thank you. Thank you for pointing out to me that working with a dog, regardless of the struggle is more rewarding than letting it pass by in front of you without doing anything. Thank you for confirming my initial thoughts as I saw you being yanked across the lot and making me sure of my choices. Thank you for overreacting to the exact wrong part of what I told you. Thank you for not listening so I don’t feel badly about telling you ‘No’. And finally thank you for your rudeness, without which I would be unable to compose this letter. I’ve been doing this a while and I’ve gotten especially good at seeing issues and potential problems. I’ve passed dogs with reservations and those reservations, if unaddressed have become realized. I don’t tell you this to hurt your feelings since I genuinely don’t care about your feelings. I tell you this because you need to know and you need to address it before you have a real problem, not just some uppity bitch failing your dog because she is just hateful. I am all of those things, but I promise I don’t use my best qualities on lesser beings.

Sincerely annoyed,
Fang (Your not so friendly and not-so-amused local uppity dog bouncer.)

It’s a calling. You’re welcome.

An open letter….

23 Feb

Dear People who tell their ill-behaved small dog,  “Oh, don’t mess with that dog, he will eat you alive !” when you pass by us on a walk,

I’m afraid that one more comment or joke about how my dog could eat/kill/maim your dog will send me over the edge.  Truly, I might lose my shit.  You know who you are–that  person who with a yappy out-of-control little dog lunging at the end of his leash and barking frenetically at us while my dog walks calmly by.   I’m not quite sure what about my chill dog who literally hasn’t even acknowledged your dog’s existence screams “I’m gonna eatcha!”, but alas, the words seem to spew of your mouth with some regularity.

I’m pretty sure my dog hasn’t gotten into them.


Just because my dog is large, or of a certain breed, does not mean that he is looking at your precious pup like a slab of delicious bacon.  In fact, I’m actually the one trying to get away from your miniature hell-beast before it nips my big guy’s ankles.   Here’s the thing–my dog really doesn’t care about your dog, and frankly, even if he did, I’m responsible enough to make sure he doesn’t defend himself from your dog’s frantic behavior.

Maybe you should try it.


Look, I am sure some of you are joking when you say such things, but I’m pretty sure many of you aren’t.  Either way, it is super annoying and really not that funny.  If it were my dog misbehaving on the end of the leash and releasing the kraken on your dog, I am pretty sure you would be upset and wouldn’t find it funny, so I’m not entirely sure why I am supposed to laugh at your lame joke.


If you are someone who has said something like this before, please just stop.  Instead of laughing at the situation or making some lame comment, might I suggest (gasp) actually working with your dog to curb him of his bad behavior?  Ill-behaved dogs of any size are not cute, and neither are their owners who make light of it.

Even Grumpy Cat agrees.






Westminster Kennel Club Drinking Game: Bottoms up!

17 Feb

We certainly aren’t the first ones to come up with a Westminster drinking game, but we would like to think that ours is the most fun.  So fill up your liquor cabinet and drink up bitches, it’s gonna be a wild couple days.

In case you live under a rock, the rules of the game are as follows:   Every time one of the following happens, follow the appropriate directive. Or else. 


Hear someone mention the word “alpha”. Take one shot and bang your head on the table.

Each time someone mentions the poodle “haircut”.  Eat a cupcake. It’ll soak up the alcohol. You’ll thank us later.

An announcer asks an asinine question (i.e. “Do Pointers really point?”). Take one sip.

The Friend-Zone: “This dog has a great personality!” Take one shot, and eat another cupcake because it’s never going to happen, Allen.

The Dick: “Independent personality” a.k.a. The Terrier group. Really this is just an excuse to get trashed on a week night, so take half a sip and chase it with some water.

Anyone in your general vicinity watching with you uses the adjective “frumpy”. Yell “This is how we do” and take a shot. Props to the frumpies.

One of the group dogs ignores or gives a “Fuck off” face to the host attempting to interview the four legged half of a show team. Take a drink and toast that dog.

The Patriot: Comment about ‘Murica’s dog. Take a sip of something foreign and spit it out in disgust. We drink watered down beer and grain alcohol. Go back to France, commie.

The Weimaraner enters the ring. Pick your favorite ‘Best in Show’ quote and yell it loudly. Whoever is most convincingly as a neurotic showy gets a lactose-free Starbucks drink upon their next venture into the real world.

A female handler is wearing gratuitous sequins.  Take two shots and put on a pair of sunglasses.

Someone mentions how ‘ancient’ a breed is.  Chug whatever you are drinking.  DO IT NOW.

Handler rolls their eyes. One shot and a cupcake. God knows they have to put up with enough crap this week.

Someone mentions that a celebrity owns a particular breed.  Punch your neighbor in the throat and call them Martha Stewart. Then go watch Orange is the New Black. Do it.

A host (Not you David, you rock.) grossly mispronounces a breed name (might as well prepare yourself before the Xoloitzcuintli) .  Take half a shot and hang your head in shame.

Can’t decide whether a dog is ugly, cute, or a foot-stool.   Make a toast.

A dog (most likely the Lab) is obese.  Eat two more cupcakes.

Someone comments on how skinny the Greyhound is.  Finish the cupcakes.

You know the dog. Take a sip.

You know the dog and it’s a dick. Take a shot.

You hear the phrase, “Don’t be fooled by this dog’s appearance”.  Roll your eyes and rehydrate with some water.

An announcer says “This breed makes a great family dog”.  Yawn and go get a refill.

A male handler doesn’t set your gaydar pinging.  Drink two shots, throw your hands in the air, and shout “hallelujah”

A female handler is actually wearing attractive shoes.  Finish off the entire bottle of vino.

A dog’s call name is your first name. Take a shot.

Finish the entirety of “God Loves a Terrier” during a Purina commercial. Everyone else with you takes a shot.

A dog has better hair than you.  Sob silently into your merlot.

A judge’s first name is Doris or Jean.   Call your grandma immediately.

You correctly guess the “Best in Show Winner”.   Immediately do the ‘told ya so dance’ and rip off your shirt in a fit of glory.



How to Avoid Making Asshole Moves at the Vet: A Tutorial

3 Feb

Imagine you’re at the doctor’s office waiting for your appointment and are feeling nervous. Then imagine a middle-aged man comes running up to you, sits uncomfortably close to you, and then proceeds to elbow you repeatedly while trying to make small talk while singing.  Most of us would be pretty annoyed, right?  So if this kind of behavior isn’t acceptable for humans, why do so many people let their dogs treat the vet waiting room like an unofficial dog park.

So here are some general rules that you should abide by while at the vet.  Failure to do so makes you Supreme Ultimate Asshole (and yes, there is a crown for that).

Like this, but with a giant dog turd on top

You’ve arrived at the vet and are now waiting for your turn in a waiting area covered with inspirational cat posters.  What should you do?


  1. Keep your dog on the damn leash.  For real.  And we mean the entire time too.


2. If you insist on using flexi-leads (and you know how we feel about those), lock the line.  No one wants to break an ankle on your tripwire-of-doom while you yap on your cell phone.

3. Ask permission before you let your dog approach another dog.  And if they say no, respect their choice and don’t force Princess Fluffypants on their petrified pooch.

And don’t think I won’t blame your dog.

4. The same goes for cats/critters in carriers.  Don’t be an asshole and let your dog harass little Bunny Foo Foo or the hissing cat in the cloth carrier.

5. If your dog isn’t okay with other animals or people in reasonable circumstances, request an appointment during quieter hours. If that’s not possible, bring a friend/someone who owes you money to sit inside as the place-holder to call you in from outside when it’s your turn. Even better get one of those nifty mobile vets who come to your house. It’s like a pizza delivery guy, but with more student loan debt.


So you waited, and sometimes waited and waited and now it’s Fluffy’s turn! Yes! It’s halfway over but wait… you still have rules to abide by.

  1. Is your dog a dick? Yes? Tell everyone who comes into the room. Repeat yourself until you think you may be annoying. If you are aware that your dog has the capacity to put a tooth through someone, not notifying them makes you a massive asshole. Bonus points for bringing your own muzzle and having it on before getting out of the car.

Better a duck than a dick

2. Look around. Is there a big-ass table in the middle of the room? Yes? Put your small/medium dog on it and hold them there. Really big dog? Hold off and wait for the vet. There may be some alternative arrangements for placement.

This is one alternative arrangement…

3. Have a question? Ask it no matter how stupid (And yes Virginia, there really are some incredibly stupid questions.) Better to be quietly snickered at later than accidentally harm your pet.

4. Be honest. If you are feeding for 70lb dachshund a rib roast with gravy every night for dinner, no one is going to believe “He just eats 1/8th of a cup and run two miles a day”. Most pet-owners’ lies are laughably unbelievable across the spectrum of animal industries so just don’t even try. Be an adult and take the lecture on your fat/unmedicated/benignly neglected dog.

And the vet tech too!

5. So help us God, do not ask for an arbitrary curative drug before the vet has even touched your pet. Veterinary medicine is certainly not straight-forward. While the novelty of the informed pet-owner imbues the average dog person with special status at their vet, that preferred status can be quickly lost by being ‘one of those’ owners. The needy pain-in-the-ass types. While you may be sure a round of steroids will clear up that phantom limp, treating your vet like an inconvenient pill-pusher won’t win you any friends or make your vet particularly inclined to assist you.

You did it. You survived the vet trip. Fido is healthy, happy and you had your questions answered and you followed our rules. Go team! But… there’s a few more things we should chat about….

  1. Don’t bash your vet if you intend to use them later on. If you still go to the practice and you didn’t bring it to the attention of the practice owner/manager it’s probably either not that important, not that serious or you may be being a bit of a special snowflake. The dog world especially is incredibly small. Calling your vet a jackass when you still go to them… not smart.
  2. Have a little perspective. Just because your vet doesn’t know the dosing of echinacea for your Persian’s sneeze or the Bone/Organ/Meat ratio for your raw fed dog,  doesn’t make them a bad vet, it makes them someone who has to google shit or look in a textbook like literally every other kind of doctor who is faced with something new. Vets will also make mistakes which a good one will cop to. It’s life, it sucks, it happens, we move on. They can also have bad days like everyone else.
  3. Bad vets exist. Rude, incompetent, nasty and plain old stupid people get into vet school too. We’ve yelled about them before and we probably will again. Most vets however, are not bad. If you attempt to treat all vets like they were bad, you will have a very difficult time finding a good one, and the constant in that equation is you.

So minions, what do you think?  What bad behavior have you seen at the vet?  Want to admit to being guilty of any of these?  We want to hear! 

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

1 Feb

Which is a cactus meant for your pooch and which is a cocktus meant for your….yeah….



Screen Shot 2015-01-31 at 5.59.15 PM


B) 314k5GNyMGL._SY355_





So even though option A  appears to have double-prick action, it is indeed a dog toy, meaning that option B is the unfortunate sex toy.   Nothing screams pleasure like a cactus up the hoo-ha, are we right?

Drive? Where?

13 Jan

Not this kind of drive.

Let’s talk about drive for a minute. Pull ten different dog people from various sub-genres of the dog world and every single one will give you a different definition of drive. It can be  a good thing ( “My new Farfenhound is soooo drivey. He’ll be fantastic at farfing”), or it can be a bad thing (“Fluffy’s prey drive is so high, she’ll never be able to be around cats”).  And sometimes people just flat out misuse the term (pro tip:  hyperactivity does not a drivey dog make). At this  point, we’re pretty sure it’s just a word people throw around to make themselves look like they know what they’re talking about. (“I really wanted a drivey dog, that’s why I went with a pet bred miniature dachshund.”) We’re also pretty sure that many people who claim to own a “drivey” dog would poop their pants if they actually encountered one.


Here’s the thing about “Drive”. It’s not a fixed concept. Drive is fluid. It can be built. It can be quashed. It’s really mostly a load of horse-shit because in the long run it’s not the drive that matters. Want to be dismissed off-hand by people who actually know what they’re talking about? Talk about the drives incessantly. Prey drive, defense drive, fight drive, play drive, tug drive, sex drive, one drive, two drive, red drive, blue drive… Seriously. We get it. You read a lot of books and watch some youtube. We bow to your superior understanding of buzzwords.

Among us, we’ve never met a dog completely devoid of drive. We’ve met plenty of trainers that can suck any desire to work right out of a dog. We’ve met plenty that have an out of control dog and blame it on too much drive. Then there are the poorly trained and undirected pets that dominate the suburban landscape. Lastly of course, there are the trainers that are willing to maintain and build a dog’s natural eagerness to work while also maintaining control. Here’s a hint, those aren’t the trainers that are always bragging about how full of drive their dogs are. I know we preach this a lot, but it stands true. In dog training, the loudest talkers often know the least.

… so let me announce it to the entire world wide web!

For funsies sometimes we fact-check Facebook announcements on drive etc. (You would be amazed how much pure information is available online about any and every dog exploit you’ve ever had).  While we have full understanding of careers cut short by injury, ring sourness, and general lack of interest by the handler, if you’ve never done anything and bitch about how a young dog lacks <insert pointless drive buzzword here>, it’s not the dog.


So here’s the deal. Real training peeps recognize drive and can build or quash for their needs. They don’t have to talk about it ad nauseum. You shut up about drives, and we’ll stop yelling about how meaningless buzzwords dilute the value in actually educational training discourses,  Mmmkay?



6 Jan

You asked it, for we listened.  Below we have taken yet another stab at answering some of the best (read: worst) questions we found on Yahoo answers lately.  You’re welcome.

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No.  However, he may demand a muscle shirt and a vacation in Palm Springs. Really though, what exactly kind of homosexual experience are we talking about. Did he hump a male dog? Because we all know it’s only gay if he’s on bottom.


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It won’t cost much. Just your voice…Really though, that sounds delicious. What’s the price with a couple of slices of garlic bread?


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The answer is fucking surely not “post on yahoo answers”. Get thee to a vet, doucheschooner.

You’ll shoot your eye out!



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Shitty McGee, Mr. Hanky, a variety of other gross poop based names. Be a little more original, please.





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Let’s have a simple anatomy lesson, mmkay? Saliva comes from salivary glands, which are located in the mouth.  Unless your dog has some sort of canine vagina dentata, that stuff isn’t saliva.  Also, why are you so close to your dog’s nether regions? Creeper.


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We don’t know, but can we get it toasted with some garlic and that bolonoodles from earlier?



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Clearly this is her coping mechanism to deal with her traumatic past. Please never store them out of your decrepit chihuahua’s reach, she needs them.


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Whoa man, this is a little deep to be between a question about when to tell your cat about sex ( and a post asking how to tell if your husky is pregnant.


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It’s like you don’t even fucking read The Dog Snobs


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Why do you dumbass ask stupid question?


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Spay her. Also yourself. Also, possibly your entire immediate family.


And to think these are only a tiny sample of the stupid…


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