WTF Wednesday: Click and Treat

30 Jul

 

 

 

 

Bling bling

Ta daaaaaaa

Fierce

 

Don’t get us wrong, we like sparkles as much as the next girl, but on a clicker, really?  Isn’t the whole idea of clickers is that they supposed to be easy to hold and use?  Pretty sure bedazzling the crap out of it doesn’t make it any more practical.  It does, however, make you look like a Toddlers & Tiaras reject, which is saying a lot since we all know the quality of those klassy (yes, with a K) individuals on the show.
Plus, if you’re like us, you lose clickers faster than you can buy them.   Losing one you paid $60 for (seriously, that is the going rate on Etsy) is a lot more painful than losing a handful of free ones you picked up at various shows, seminars, etc.

So, would you pay $60 for one of these babies?

 

No Cookie for You: You don’t get a medal for failing

23 Jul

So we’re going to tell you a story.

Yes, yes it is.

Once upon a time there was a rescue puppy. A well-meaning rescuer adopted said puppy and from the beginning there were problems. Nearly a decade, multiple attacks on adults, children and other dogs and a total lack of any successfully incorporated management later, and he was euthanized after attacking an octogenarian. But don’t worry because the rescuer saved him from himself. The, incredibly sanctimonious, end.

After hearing this story our heads just explodes into what we can only describe as rage confetti. In the near decade this person had “tried everything” but he was great at home so…

What the Actual Fuck?

The most irritating part of any of this isn’t even that the dog was so amazingly mismanaged that he had to be put down, it’s that he wasn’t put down sooner. We here at TDS are big believers in the realities of rescues;  you cannot and 100% should not save them all. However, if you make the decision to save one of these dogs ( who in most other circumstances should be put down), you are committing to a literal lifetime of management–not shitty half-assed management, but real, rigorous, consistent and safe handling of a dog who is a risk to everyone around them.

This is the kind of management that sucks. It’s inconvenient. It’s restrictive in the extreme. It means that you can’t just do what you want with your dog when you want to and barriers and precautions for safety are always at the forefront. It means muzzles, cancelled vacations, and a kennel run, and signage and crating and walking at non-busy times. It means, yes Virginia, there is the all important quality of life question. He bit multiple people through a muzzle? That’s quite a trick. He chased people down the driveway? That’s mighty hard to do in a crate inside the house. That quality of life was not even an issue until this far along tells us that whatever bullshit management was in place was not enough and clearly not well executed. We know people with extremely unstable dogs and their management regimes are unreal and well-beyond what most households should or can undertake. Their primary concerns are safety followed shortly thereafter by well-being. When the two can no longer be balanced, they do the right thing. A freak-accident in their carefully managed home turns into a nightmare. They are heartbroken, and rightfully so, when they must do the right thing for them. No one else was ever in danger of their dog since their vigilance with strangers never faltered but unstable is unstable. Even with restrictions in place, a single error and you can’t go back to how it was before.

So here’s some real talk. You don’t get a medal for failing (unless you are involved in youth sports or science fairs). You don’t get cookies or head-pats for consistently and thoroughly putting others at risk because he didn’t chew shit in your house and was sweet at home (You know other than the raging instability and bite history ). Multiple bites on multiple people is not okay. Poor management of a dog with multiple bites on multiple people is unacceptable on every single level. You failed every person and dog that was bitten after the first time with poor management which should have been a clue after the second, third, hell even fourth bites. We’re  truly sorry that you are sad and blaming yourself, but before you attempt to rescue yet another sad-sack rescue nightmare, take these words into consideration.

Saving the unsaveable doesn’t earn you extra points. There is no special place in heaven for people who keep dogs who attack children (and if there is we don’t think it’s the nice kind of special) and you’re not getting any kind of extra karmic bump for being inconvenienced by proper management. Keeping a truly dangerous dog alive is a selfish choice in 100% of all situations but it doesn’t have to be a bad choice if it’s done well.

So we guess what we’re saying is this: If you’re going to be selfish. do it right. If you can’t or won’t do it right, then you don’t need to have that dog and more importantly, that dog doesn’t need you.  Are you willing to put your life on hold for one dog who will likely never be safe in everyday situations? Are you willing to dramatically alter every interaction you could ever expose this dog to? Are you willing to spend years hunting for work-arounds, long-term behavior management techniques, trainers and behaviorists with a clue and the money that flows out of your wallet with each new attempt and in many cases failure? It is a hard choice and making that choice “to save” or not is heartbreaking, but ultimately it comes down to reality. If there is no safety net (Your dog’s breeder or rescue; Do not cut them out of any temperament-related decisions. It’s info they need to have)  it is up to you, your dog’s advocate to make the hard choice.

The End.

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

19 Jul

We’ve been slacking on Sex Toy or Dog Toy shenanigans, we know.  We would like to report that it’s because we’ve been getting so much action in our personal lives that we needn’t write about such schlock, but sadly, that isn’t the case.  So, here we are, back to writing about things that require us to clear our internet search history on the regular.   So minions, which one is ribbed for your pleasure and which is ribbed for Fido’s pleasure?

 

A)29564-3

B)Rubber-resistant-to-bite-pet-toys-font-b-dog-b-font-font-b-teeth-b-font

 

We want you think LONG and HARD about this one.  See what we did there?  No?  Think harder. And longer…and..ok.  We’re done.  You missed Saturdays, didn’t you?

 

So….

 

Option B, despite having some rather suspicious looking nubbins’ is the dog toy (puppy teething rings), while Option A is a lovely set of cock rings.   Both are dishwasher safe (just say no to sex toys next to coffee mugs) and sturdy, so you just know there is some sicko out there using them for dual purposes.  If it’s one of you, dear readers, we really don’t want to know about it.

GoFundYourself: Moving, Rednecks, and other updates in the life of Fang.

13 Jul

I Fang, have been a busy bee (No relation) in the somewhat expected but still rather sudden process of moving. That’s right underlings, I am leaving the elderly phallic shit-show that is The Sunshine State and departing for blue-green pastures to the north. While I’ve been playing an elaborate game of “Maybe Potnoodle and BusyBee will just pretend I contributed to something” it’s gotten a little silent and a little awkward so this is my contribution for the next month or so while I pretend to pack things while playing an alarming amount of Tetris. It is of course a list of things that are irritating me at this exact second. You’re welcome.

Not really, Florida. I know you try, you just fail so often it’s painful.

  1. Is it just me or has everyone lost their mind? Perhaps it was just that weird little bit of niggly earwax that constituted some degree of self-respect that was picked out sometime between some moron buying some sad sack parvo puppy off Craigslist for the low price of $7000, and then proceeding to hold the rest of us emotionally hostage as they hit us up for hundreds of dollars to fund this astoundingly poor life decision. I get it, I do, shit happens, emergency funds are very easy to deplete and sometimes life just sucks. There is however a fine line between “Oh how sad” and “God, what now?”.Despite theories to the contrary I’m not actually fully heartless. I don’t begrudge genuine emergencies, charities, or fundraisers for legitimately good causes. Hell, last year I was on a team rally (I’ve still got glitter in places I don’t want to think about) that used a similar site for an amazing cause and managed to contribute a fantastic amount of money. But here’s the gist guys–I’m not going to contribute to your 30k fund for your special service dog who is being imported as a puppy from some far off ‘-istan’ and he’s the only dog who could ever do the job ever. I’m also not going to contribute to your 20 year old dog’s CCL repair, your new $300 training vest, a crash-tested crate for your snookums or my personal favorite, a puppy for the kids because they can’t afford to buy one.
    I am by no means the arbiter of sound financial judgment, but I am cheap and pretty good at differentiating a need from a want. While I think many of these sites were set up with the former in mind, they’re increasingly directed towards the latter. To those funds I do in fact say, Go Fund Yourself.

    When your life plan matches a joke on South Park, you should probably reconsider your options.

  2. Stupid people annoy me. Willfully stupid people make me want to smash things. While I was closing up at work I took T-beast, who has turned into a bit of a frisbee-phile, out while I shut off ponds, etc. There was one other dog in the entire park and while I’d previously found this dog annoying, it was a hot and low-key evening, so I wasn’t anticipating any difficulty. I was amazingly wrong. This dog who we will call Doltface proceeded to harass, chase, posture over and otherwise ignore the amazing restraint shown by T-beast in her judicious corrections. Doltface’s owner, who we can just call TheAmazingDolt, yelled “Come! Come to me, damn it! Come! Get over here!” repeatedly while never actually bothering to stand up or put down her magazine. An inability to keep my mouth shut led to this charming exchange:“You realize that by not actually getting up and resolving the issue he’s learning he doesn’t have to listen to you at all, right?”
    “What?”
    “You’re teaching him that blowing you off is totally fine.”
    “He knows it! He’s supposed to come.”Amazingly, my mouth remained shut about other things that are supposed to happen, especially in regard to natural selection, but here’s the point. Supposedly this woman knows what she’s doing as she tells us all in great detail. Given how much yelling, puffing, and lecturing him on his badness that she does, one would think the reality would dawn on her but the rose-color glasses are GorillaGlass trifocals apparently. Supposed to and does are in fact different things. Who knew?

    Oh dear god.

  3. Moving is a shit-ton more difficult with dogs. I typically have four dogs in my house in an elaborate social strata that requires arrows and graphs to explain in detail. That is magnified in my car where space is a premium and the Malinois is perpetually a projectile. Have you ever attempted to fit four dogs in a hatchback with 8 crates? I can say from experience that this is impossible. While all of my dogs are fine together in short bursts, something about the car brings out everyone’s bitchtasticness and by middle-Georgia we’re all just about done with the horse-shit. So I discovered on my most recent northerly adventure that three crates, a grooming table and four dogs was the upper limit of my little Subaru’s attitude hauling capability. Relying on the pity of friends, however, has paid off and the Malinois is hanging out with the mottled scorpion-dragon and her co-owner up north while I stuff the others into progressively smaller spaces. Eventually I should have a cattle dog themed jack in the box. If you would like to fund my new vehicle, my move or other shit I want but don’t feel like working for feel free to message us.

    And by that I mean I'm incredibly expensive

    And by that I mean I’m incredibly expensive

  4. Speaking of Funding-oneself, what the fuck is with these sad-sack impossible cases where everyone is supposed to put their life on hold to fund a legless, stomach-less, bowel-less, face-less lumps of flesh but sweet puppy and we have to save it! There was a new one I saw today with a severely deformed English Bulldog swimmer puppy (Who has not recovered) with amputated rear limbs, no functional pelvis and a spinal deformity… like really? What kind of quality of life are you looking at there? I’m glad that you love… well whatever that is, but let’s check our own feelings at the door a bit here. There is a point where your love is making the situation worse, not better and the reality of the situation needs to be examined.

    I cry my sad tears into a river of Shut the Fuck Up.

  5. We had a fire at work. No one died, or was injured and nothing was even destroyed but we have no A/C until the repair guy gets here (Which is who knows when), and then the big *if* he can actually fix it. This is Florida in July; Hot is an understatement.

    So yeah, it’s really hot

  6. On a non-dog related note, there was a big rally this weekend not far from my home… a big redneck rally for redneck pride over a redneck flag for redneck reasons that somehow seem worthwhile to said rednecks. (Really Evan, your parents are from Rhode Island) This interrupted my commute for Indian food. Not amused, rednecks. Not amused. In all seriousness though, is the fact that the flag is offensive news to people? I was pretty sure we all knew that already, like how the sky is blue or that sinkholes are bad. You can’t throw up a swastika wielding garden gnome and say you’re embracing this symbol of good luck from your Eurasian ancestors without being considered an asshole. I’m all for pointing out the obvious (Just ask my friends) but in this case I’m a little annoyed by the distraction of it all. The flag, while an issue, does not actually address any of the problems, circumstances or entitlements that allow for these tragedies to happen time after time. It’s all depressing and tragic and it never changes. What’s wrong with us?

    Just when I’m selling the damn house.

  7. Lastly, if you think a young adult high energy herding breed is “just going through a phase” when it gets ten minutes of play training a day and trashing all your shit out of boredom but crating is mean and you didn’t get a dog to crate it and it’ll be fine haters!… just get the fuck out. Just go. Go. Shoo. Away with thee. Except before you do, tell me where you’re going to hang out your newly minted “professional trainer” shingle, so I can move there and fix all the shit you fuck up beyond all reason for profit and let’s be honest… funsies.

    Preach.

I could go on, but that’s all I’ve got for you today kids. Hopefully I’ll be back to our regularly scheduled bitchery sooner rather than later but until then, happy trails and happier tails.

WTF Wednesday

9 Jul

This dog gets it

Whatever happened to washing your dog the old-fashioned way?  Do we really need more contraptions?   Here are a few observations about the Woof Washer 360:

 

  1. There is no water pressure.  Are we really to believe it would get your dog clean?
  2. What if the dog doesn’t feel like playing circus and jumping through hoops? Then what?
  3. Does anyone else envision a dog revolting by taking off running with the woof washer still attached and causing mayhem?
  4. The idea of simple water and soap washing all the filth our dogs venture in without any scrubbing is laughable. Do you just let it hang on your dog while you scrub? Or do you have to wrestle them back through the hoop?
  5. Potnoodle’s cattle dog (and many other dogs,  we’re sure) would find nothing more fun than completely destroying this in an attempt to murder the water demons.

In summation,  we can’t think of a less practical way to wash your dog.  If you’re incapable of handling your dog to bathe it,  it’s unlikely you can run it through this contraption.  We suggest a groomer.

 

Anatomy of a Dog Forum Shit-Show

27 Jun

We’ve all been there, right?  When a seemingly benign thread on an online dog forum goes from zero to crazypants in 6 seconds flat.   Although it may sometimes seem like the mayhem comes out of nowhere, if you look carefully enough, there are a few universal steps that happen (often in rapid fire sequence) before a thread explodes.

 

1. Someone asks a seemingly benign enough question on a dog forum (These questions may in fact be the work of an advanced troll who prides themselves on stirring up shit or they may actually be some poor sad sack who has no idea what they’ve just started). Think “What type of food should I feed my dog?” or “What is the best kind of training?”. Pro forum users can usually spot these topic from a mile away and quickly run to get popcorn and something boozy while they wait for the fireworks to begin.

 

2. Those who feel the most strongly about that specific topic join in right away and provide black-and-white answers espousing the “truth” as they see it.

 

3.Immediately, another forum user comes on and posts exactly the opposite of what the previous poster just said.

 

4.The first poster disagrees with their new forum adversary (i.e. someone who disagrees) and proceeds to preach the “truth”.  One or more poster is eventually blocked by the other.

 

5. Random lurker pop up out of nowhere and stirs up the pot even more.

 

6. Someone brings up Cesar Millan for good measure.

 

7. Name-calling begins, usually consisting of lame things like “asshole” or “troll” or the occasional “poopyhead”.  May we suggest that if you are going to stoop to this level, you might as well make the names good?  For your convenience, here is a list of Dog Snob sanctioned insults:  shitweasel, assmarmot, douchecanoe, douchenozzle,  twatwaffle, or if you’re feeling old-fashioned, a fucker.

 

8. Back and forth…and back and forth.  This is a good time to go refill on that popcorn or take a potty break.

998

 

9. Someone makes a Nazi reference.

 

10.  Someone called someone else a Nazi?  Now it’s on!  People come out of the woodworks and join the fray.


11. Someone posts as screen-capture of what another poster has said in another forum or group that disputes what they are saying in the thread or brings to light some offensive action.

 

12. A moderator steps in to remind everyone of the community guidelines/rule.

13. The Mod is thoroughly ignored.

 

14. The thread is now entirely off topic.  The OP is likely no longer participating and it has boiled down to two teams of people,  bringing up past offenses with passive aggressive comments.  Other threads/vague book posts have spawned off this one.

 

15. Some non-mod do gooder chimes in with a meme or quip trying to calm everyone down.

16.  Someone posts another popcorn-worthy thread elsewhere and the masses migrate to go through steps 1-15 all over again.

 

So, who’s in the mood for a forum fight?!

WTF Wednesday: Oops they did it again edition

10 Jun

Which blonde wore it better?

Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 10.01.23 PM

No, this is not a canine recreation of classic Britney and her unfortunate cameltoe.  It’s the Shed Defender, which according to the website  is a  “lightweight, breathable, form fitting jumpsuit for dogs that is worn to contain any shedding, dander and allergens. “ Just what we always wanted freaks and geeks, a Gimp suit for dogs. We hate to tell you it’s BYOB (bring your own ball-gag) so keep that in mind when you’re measuring your Dachsub or Caning Corso…

It’s also a way to ensure that your dog will poop in your shoe while you’re gone and that you will be shamed hard (and then harder) by The Dog Snobs. No one looks good in spandex.

 

Know Thy Dog

27 May

We have a confession.  Are you ready?  Sure?

Our dogs aren’t perfect*.

Shocked?  Despite being Dog Snobs, our dogs have their foibles.  What stops us from being Dog Hypocrites though, is that we are well-aware of these issues and do our best to manage them.

Training and management are key for pretty much everything dog-related. Is your dog an asshole around other dogs?  Doesn’t like being in tight spaces like elevators?  Wants to eat kids? Hates skateboards?  That’s cool….as long as you don’t sit back on your laurels and let them act a fool.  Training can work wonders, but can only go so far so fast.  Until you have a handle on your dog’s issues, manage the shit out of them.  Putting your dog into situations that you know they are an asshole just makes you an even bigger asshole.

 

The first step, like most things, is acknowledging you have a problem.  We know that you love your baby fluffy-kins more than cheese and crackers, but not being willing to admit that they can be an asshole in certain situations doesn’t do anyone any favors.  Your dog can still be your favorite thing in the entire world…and still be a jerkface at times.

Once you’ve acknowledged that your dog is not in fact the Mother Theresa of the canine world, the next step is coming up with a plan.  Pro tip:  Hoping it just goes away is not a plan.

 

Sometimes this plan may involve simply paying better attention to your surroundings or advocating for your dog, but sometimes it might actually take some lifestyle adjustments.  These changes can range from changing the time of day you go on walks to avoid triggers, muzzle-training your dog, or accepting that you will have to take the stairs instead of the elevators because your dog turns into Cujo in tight spaces.  Trust us, people will judge you far less if you have to occasionally dive head-first  into a bush to avoid other dogs on a walk than if you let your dog release the kraken on every single dog who passes by as you stand by and twiddle your thumbs.

We get that having a dog who is an asshole can be a work in progress and that sometimes there are slip-ups, but intentionally having your head so far up your own ass that you don’t even admit that your dog is an asshole, well…that’s just shitty.

 

*not perfect, but pretty darn close!

If by Precipitate you mean Asshole, then Yes: Health Testing, Disclosure and you. A Rant.

21 May

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.”

You are that chunky bit that looks like the bottom of a park bench right there. That’s you.

Bah dum chhh! Chemistry nerds (or just people who took year 9 science) will get this joke and that’s because it is true and hilarious. One area where “the precipitate” is something even more unpleasant than the gunk floating in your test tube is dog breeding. That’s right kids, if you as a breeder aren’t part of the solution, you’re not only part of the problem you are the problem. Full stop.

What pray tell is the problem? Well, that depends on who you ask, but I’ll break it down for you.

For better or for worse (depending on who you ask) in the United States breeders, hoping to do the right thing by their dogs and developed in conjunction with universities, veterinarians and people who just gave a damn, created tests to quantify the quality and health of their stock. How well that works in the case of OFA hips/elbows is debateable* but the genetic tests and marker tests alone have been a wondrous addition to the world of dog breeding. In educated hands they make what was once a total crapshoot in terms of health, something potentially predictable; as much as these things can be and for breeders who care that is a wonderful, wonderful thing. It allows breeders and buyers to make truly informed and educated decisions on where they want their program to go in the case of breeders and functional dealbreakers in terms of what is and is not acceptable, needed or wanted. I truly love what testing has brought to the table in both of my breeds, and this dear friends is the crux of the issue.

Anything short of full disclosure on health testing results is spitting on your breed standard, insulting fellow breeders and defrauding your buyers. Full Stop. No Excuses.

Every Single One

I’m not sure when “A little information is a dangerous thing” became the norm in dog breeding but we need to knock that shit off. Information is glorious. Information does nothing but allow you to make BETTER decisions for your dogs.


“But Fang! People are mean and other breeders are cannibals. One sign of a problem in my dogs and they won’t sell me a dog or breed to mine and I won’t be able to sell my puppies, woe is me poor innocent waif blah blah.”

Ahem


Newflash! People are already trashing your dogs, your haircut, your personality, what you bred, what you didn’t breed and they’re doing it on hearsay. People say your dog has shitty elbows and carries EIC and sneezes lime Jello? Prove them wrong, test and make that shit public. Or prove them right and show you have nothing to hide. You know what sketchy? A breeder who does not test.

Secondarily, you know what’s really sketchy?  A breeder who hides the bad things. Guess what kids, people who care are going to do the research. If there is a lack of a test on one of your dogs but suspiciously everything else has it with sunshine and rainbows flying out its ass? That’s a bad sign. “Why wasn’t “x” done when everyone else was?” To people in the know, I’m sorry but the implication of that is you’re hiding something. Who hides things? Scummy, suspect people.

It really is, dog.

Dog people eat our own. We know we do and we should own that. We hold others to our own, hopefully high standards, and love our dogs, our breeds and our communities to distraction. We want what’s best for all of those and often times, the vehemence and nastiness in those disagreements spirals out of control. This however is no excuse.

I will argue to the ground that any information, regardless of actual result or status, is the only service breeders can offer their buyers and the public at large. You cannot guarantee health, beauty, temperament, titles, or a death date beyond reasonable precautionary measures but you can offer piles of information for those who want to hear it. If someone doesn’t want to hear it, they probably don’t need one of your dogs. You can also offer other breeders the courtesy of allowing them an unvarnished look at other lineages and what they could be risking or breeding in to. Would you not want the same courtesy? I can tell you from just clicking through databases, a single bad result does not remove a dog from the breeding pool. It removes the shock of a bad result in offspring, and forces breeders to be more conscientious about future breeding choices (And what is and is not a good choice to minimize or eliminate a problem). What about this is a bad thing?

In essence anything short of full disclosure on a database such as OFA which is publicly accessible to any and all who may look is morally reprehensible.

Or at least the standard clump and toss in some extras for funsies. Otherwise you’ll be viewed with suspicion, doubt and distrust. It’s up to you, really.

Any information is better than no information.

Complete information gives the community at large a better chance at beating back the ever encroaching health problems that plague breeds. Hiding that information is an insult. Do us all a favor and try being part of the solution. It’s the right thing to do.

And now you know.

*But only a little, so no excuses peeps.

WTF Wednesday

21 May

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You know the annoying dog hair that gets all over your clothes and furniture and into your food and makes you question why you got a dog in the first place?  Apparently now you can make good use of it by having a dog hair sweater made.

Given how much time we spend trying (to no avail) to look like we haven’t just rolled around in a giant pile of dog hair, we aren’t sure how we feel about these. On the one hand, maybe wearing an actual sweater made of your dog’s hair is the best way to stop all the nasty comments from non-dog owners about how fur-covered you are.  On the other hand, it might be a sign that you have just given up on ever trying to look nice.

We’re all about bonding with your dogs, but this may be taking it a bit too far.What do you think? Would you wear your dog’s fur as a sweater? Would you still be our friends if we did? Let us know!

**Feeling inspired?  You can buy a handy dandy book here or follow the simple directions here. **

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