Dating with Dogs: A Primer

21 Jul

Dating is hard.   Dating with dogs…is interesting.   In addition to the normal questions that run through every single person’s mind (What should I wear? Am I showing enough boob?  Too much boob? How’s my breath?), a dog person will probably also have some, if not all, of the following thoughts:

  1. Will my dog like my date?
  2. Will my date like my dog?
  3. Will my date like my dog more than me?
  4. If my date has a dog, would our dogs get along?
  5. How does my date feel about dog hair?  
  6. I sure hope I don’t have any dog hair in awkward places.
  7. What will I do with my dog if my date comes back to my place?
  8. More importantly, what will my dog do if I bring a date back home?
  9. Will my date be turned off by the copious amounts of photos of my dog I have?
  10. Should I have hidden said dog photos?
  11. How slowly should I reveal my layers of dog crazy?
  12. Can they handle the crazy?
  13. When is the appropriate time to tell someone you are dating that you write a blog best known for ‘dog toy or sex toy’ comparisons?  (Ok fine, maybe that’s just us).

 

 

 

 

There also some things you should probably know before dating someone with dogs:

  1. Love us, love our dog.  It’s really kind of simple.   
  2. We like our dogs more than you.  That’s unlikely to change.  
  3. If you are insecure being a third wheel, please move on.  The dog was here first, and you are the interloper.  While we can find a way to squeeze you in on the couch with us, the dog isn’t going anywhere.
  4. While ideally we would find a significant other as dog crazy as we are, we are fine settling for someone who supports (or at least doesn’t get in the way of) our own craziness.
  5. Don’t take us cutting our dates short as a personal affront.  Sometimes we really do need to go walk the dog, and no, that’s not a euphemism.
  6. Our hobbies consist of dogs,  dog people sometimes,  and lots of driving to dog events. If you want to come and “be supportive” you will be bucket bitch. That title is exactly as glamorous as it sounds. We also probably will ignore you until we  need a brush, a snack (for the dog, and I’ll know if you steal one)  need you to get me a leash,  or (surprise) need you to fill a bucket. It’s not personal, I just need those things and you’ve volunteered.
  7. Don’t question our dog-related spending habits.  Ever.
  8. You can maybe work up to holding some of our dogs’  leashes, but don’t be offended if we never ask you to hold it.  If you volunteer,  we’ll probably say no. It’s not that we  don’t trust you,  but given that your reaction to our dogs  sitting on command was on par with witnessing a statue of the Madonna weeping blood…we don’t trust you.
  9. Our voices change when we talk to our dogs, and it isn’t cute.  Deal with it.
  10. Get used to us being more excited to see our dogs  than you when we come home.  
  11. If you aren’t ready to hear the answer, don’t ask who we love more–you or the dog.  

So, dating with dogs?  Any tips?  Success stories? Horror stories (please, share your misery! Do it! ).  Share below! 

Dog Commands: Reading Between the Lines

14 Jun

 

We here at The Dog Snobs have impeccably trained dogs. They’re not even dogs, really. Just perfect fuzzy robots. However, when we are walking Rover3D2, we sometimes notice that many times, people use one command when they really mean another.  Or they use one command when they really want to say something else entirely.  It’s craziness, really.  So, in order to help you out (because we are nothing if not helpful), we’ve made a list of what  people  *really* mean when they use certain dog commands as well as some handy-dandy alternatives.  You’re welcome.

 

“Heel”  really means…

“Walk next to me and don’t be a dickbag or I’ll beat you in private like the civilized people!”

 

“Look at me” really means…

“Stop staring at the drunk man dancing a jig. It’s awkward for all of us.”

 

“Leave it”  really means…

“Goddamnit, if you eat that tikka masala I dropped on the floor we’ll both suffer.”

 

“Drop it” really means…

“Let go or I swear to god I’ll cut your head off and then who will have the toy?”

 

“Come” really means….

“Keep running and see who gets to have dinner tonight.”

 

“Wait” really means…

“Move and die”

 

“Off” really means…

“If you push me down the stairs, I’ll break your kneecaps.”

 

“Lie Down” really means…

“Please just stop dicking around for five seconds.”

 

“Be nice” really means…

Nevermind. We don’t say that. This is for bad people.

 

If the above commands are a little too mainstream for you, may we also suggest these alternative commands:

 

“Don’t be a dick” 

“Really, stop being a dick and behave for 5 seconds so I don’t send you to Cincinnati to replace that Gorilla.”

 

“Get off my grill”  

“Get off that, I haven’t paid you off yet.”  

 

“Get out of there” 

“Get out of the cat box filled with delicious kitty truffles.”

 

“Don’t touch me” 

“You ate/rolled in something nasty, so no, I do not want your kisses.”  

 

“On your own time!”

“Will you PLEASE stop licking your junk next to me on the couch?”

 

“Seriously?” really means…

“Don’t even think about doing that dickbag thing you are about to do.”

 

“Calm the fuck down”

“Stop flinging yourself in the air, you freak.”

 

**Did we miss anything?  What favorite commands do you use?  Which commands would make your neighbors blush?  Share below!**

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

14 May

We haven’t ruined your Saturday in a while.  Let’s change that.   For today’s installment, we’ve found some adorable critters for your enjoyment.  And yes, one of them is actually for *that” type of enjoyment.  In the famous words of Big Bird, which one of these things is not like the other?    That’s right friends, two of these are dog toys and one is a sex toy.  Can you tell which is which?

A)

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B)

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C) 31PQkkeu7xL._SX300_QL70_

 

 

 

Have you thought long and hard? (See what we did there?)

 

Let’s start with the easy one, shall we?  Option C is indeed a dog toy.  How are you doing so far?

 

So that means that either A or B is a sex toy.  Have you made your final guess???

 

Well, despite B having a suspicious looking pleasure hole and one hell of an 0-face, that is indeed a dog toy.  So that means that adorable little option A is for adults only.

Meow.

Don’t Be The Bitch in Apartment 2B: A Guide to Not Being An Asshole (by BusyBee)

14 Apr

For those of us who live in apartment complexes, we know that the etiquette for having dogs in a “vertical” community is a lot more complicated than living in a single family home.   Complicated, however, does not mean that you get a pass on you or your dog being an asshole.   So here are a few tips I’ve come up with after years of living in apartments with dogs (plus a silly thing called common sense):

1.Dogs bark.  That’s cool.  Some dogs bark more than others.  That’s…still cool.  But letting your dog bark all day?  Not cool.  Whether your dog is barking because of separation anxiety, because he sees moving shit outside of the window, or just likes to hear his own high pitch voice, please at least make an attempt to do something about it. We get that remedying some of these things takes time and patience,  but that doesn’t mean you should give up and just let your dog “bark it out” when you share 4 walls…and a floor…and a ceiling…and a courtyard…with your neighbors.   There are actual training protocols (gasp…shit you can do to make it better?) and techniques that will help.  Getting to the bottom of why your dog is barking is the first step in finding a solution. And while you are working on quieting your dog, give your neighbors a friendly little warning so they know you aren’t just some obtuse asshole who doesn’t care that Puppy barks from dawn to sunset.  You might even ply your neighbors with wine and cheese (I prefer a nice Gouda) so they are less annoyed when Fluffy flings himself at your door each time you walk by in the hallway.   

barking

2. If your dog piss and shit in the hallway, clean it up.  It’s not something to leave for the management to deal with in the morning.

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3. Related, while I get that dogs often are about to explode as you run them outside for a walk or potty break, don’t be that asshole who lets your dog do his business right at the threshold of the apartment complex.  No one, not even other dog owners, wants to take a flying leap over a puddle of piss to get outside.  Repeat after me:  Your building’s entrance is not a fire hydrant…

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4. If your building has an elevator, respect boundaries.  Letting your dog go barging into the elevator before anyone has even gotten out is just not terribly rude, but it’s a dog fight waiting to happen.  At the very least, I’m apt to throat punch you for invading my bubble.

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5. Another handy-dandy elevator tip-not everyone wants your dog’s nose up their skirt, in the crotch of their pants, or shoved into your grocery bag.  Keep a short leash on your dog when sharing tight quarters.

6. Short leashes are your friend when inside the complex.  Don’t be that twatwaffle who lets your dog round a corner on his flexi-leash and blindside a neighbor precariously balancing her recycling on her way to the garbage room leading her to land face first in a pile of crushed cans (Not that I know this from experience…. )

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7. Not everyone in your building loves dogs and not every dog in your building loves other dogs.   It’s pretty simple. Keep your dogs on leash in the common areas at all times.

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8.  Finally, know thy dog.  Not all dogs love sharing the tight space of apartment living, but for many people it’s not realistic to move into a single family home.  Therefore, make the best of your situation and set your dog up for success.  Knowing what upsets your dog, what is likely to get them over-excited, and managing it from the front end is a whole helluva lot less work than dealing with pissed off neighbors after the fact.

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**What do you think?  What is the worst experience you’ve had living in apartments with dogs?  Are you glad you don’t have to?  Share below**

WTF Wednesday

10 Mar

We can’t lie.  We kind of need this.   And not because we mop on a regular basis.

 

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Apparently you can just add it to your existing mop.   Wait, do real adults own mops?  Does a Swiffer count?  We sure hope so.

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So you think you’re a dog show judge

16 Feb

Not that kind of dog show

It’s that time of year again kids, a time of year where “Check out the ass on that bitch,” as said around the water cooler doesn’t result in a sexual harassment suit, but rather has everyone rushing to their TV and/or computer to see which retriever they’re talking about. That’s right, it’s televised dog show season. (Westminster is on right now in case you hav been living under a rock somewhere). It’s that time of year where people who have literally never been to a dog show feel the need to tell everyone who actually have what they’re doing wrong and why and occasionally (and usually hilariously) how to fix it. Can we just say how exhausting this exercise is for all of us? Yes. Well, it’s really damn exhausting. So here as some things that are annoying and you can read them and also be annoyed or ashamed as the case may be.

Ba-dum-chum

 

1. Dog shows are many things, but they are not a beauty pageant.  Our ability to lecture will outlast your ability to keep saying stupid things so just go with it. Dog shows are intended to be (now repeat after us) an objective evaluation of breeding stock per their closeness to the breed standard. The reality is often something a bit different but beauty has very little to do with it (Have you ever seen a Bulldog… we’re not even sure mothers can love those faces). The Poodle didn’t win because it’s floofiest, it won because it’s a Poodle and Poodles are showy and it’s probably had more work put into their career than we collectively will put into ours ever.

2. Just because you own(ed) one doesn’t mean the dog in the ring is actually a particularly good example of their breed and therefore should win. It also doesn’t mean they’re necessarily a bad example of their breed and should never win anything ever. It just means they didn’t win, so we move on to the next show… except we can’t because it’s still on tv.

3. If the camera spends no time on a particular it’s because they’re not going to win. Why? Because they already know who wins because most shows (Westminster and recently the livestream of the AENC are the exceptions) were completed weeks ago. Spoiler alert, you can look up the results online. It’s really not that exciting. The actual camera work has nothing to do with the outcome. Their editing is the network equivalent of “Let’s wrap this crap up in as timely a manner as possible so we can air more football.” *masculine grunty noise*.

 

4. You don’t have to like the winning dogs. You don’t have to throw them a parade. You don’t need to bake them a congratulations cake, but no one likes a poor sport even if you’ve never actually been to a show in the first place and are just venting your spleen on the Cute N Fluffy Forum for Kids Who Can’t Spell Good.  Listing off why you think the winner is horrible in a public forum is likely a bad decision. Also a bad decision is visiting that website. This also applies to the clued-in. Foot-in-mouth syndrome is a bad thing. Honesty is nice and all, but you will have to interact with these people forever. A smile and a nod is often the best response to a gag reflex.

 

5. Dog shows are political? Say it ain’t so! Okay, yes dog showing can sometimes fairly be compared to the fiasco that is the presidential race, but the reality is that face time matters. Odds are good your showy friends who are tuned into dog shows can peg the group placers at a large event maybe 80% of the time. (TDS averages vary slightly but Fang is super-good at this game. Not to brag or anything because it’s kind of like being the best at horseshoes, fun at parties where you want to make people uncomfortable but usually not all that pertinent). Basically never bet on dog show results with people who actually go to show…

6. Pretty much everyone in the ring is a professional or has been doing it long enough to be a professional in every way but financial gain. People can and do make a living off this stuff. You probably can’t do it better, and if you could you’d be out there already.

 

7.  Finally, it’s only a dog show. Seriously guys, it’s just a dog show. There was a huge amount of upset over the Puli lady in her sweatsuit last year (It wasn’t the best choice in outfit but there are always extenuating circumstances and blah blah. This is our not caring face), and more again about how Poodles always win (Duh) and how it’s all a conspiracy because <non-dog person’s pet breed didn’t win>… erm sure.

Take the red or blue chill pill and get over it. The choice is yours.

 

So the moral of the story is, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show and try not to get too serious about it, unless you are actually in the show.  In that case, best of luck not tripping, choking on bait you keep in your mouth, or impaling yourself with a comb.

 

WTFWTF Wednesday: What The Fuck? Way Too Fat edition.

10 Feb

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Seriously. Look at that poor dog.   It astounds us (not really, because people are the worst) that someone could actually look at that dog and think it’s cute.  It all just pisses us off.  The owner pisses us off.  The people who defend this dog and proclaim he’s just “chubby” or “sturdy” piss us off.   Sorry to break it to you people, but  Pugs don’t have to be morbidly obese.   It shouldn’t be shocking when you run into a trim Pug, and yet…it is.

Look closer.  That fatty nose roll practically blocks his nostrils.  Because, you know, Pugs don’t already have enough breathing issues.  With the nose-obscuring fat roll and the copious layers of blubber, it’s a wonder this dog is still alive or functional at all.  We can’t imagine that he will be around much longer if his owner doesn’t do something about it.   There is such a thing as “loving” your dog to death, and unfortunately this is the latest poster child.  Make it stop.

 

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“Help me”

That Bites the Big One

11 Jan

When a dog bites, we often hear, “no one ever saw it coming.” Unfortunately, in many of these cases, a professional (or even just a dog owner with an ounce of common sense and access to the internet) could have seen it a mile away if they were given the chance.

Back off, bitch.

 

We’ve all seen those “cute” viral videos where a baby steals a cookie from a dog or some asshat repeatedly tries to take a dog’s bone while some other jackhole giggles incessantly in the  background.  If you’re like us (and we hope you are), you find yourself rolling your eyes and questioning the future of humanity when you see videos like that.

And why you should be sterilized.

And why you should be sterilized.

 

 

There are some pretty well-documented warning signs of a dog bite, so anyone who owns a dog (or is around dogs since it’s naive to think you can trust random Joe dog owner to read their own dog’s behavior accurately) should make an effort to learn even the most basics of dog body language.  It’s also important to note that each dog has a unique “dialect” when it comes to warning signs, so the phrase “know thy dog” is also of importance here.  And if you know what triggers your dog or what has led to a bite in the past, please god, manage the shit of any situation in which you think your dog might bite again.  It’s one thing to be naive about dog body language and behavior, but it’s another to be willfully ignorant and/or dismissive.

 

To me pay attention, you will. Hrmmm.

 

Here’s the thing.  Dogs rarely bite without any warning.  There’s almost always a warning.  You just didn’t see it.   When someone says that “there was no warning” before a bite, what they are really saying is, “I wasn’t paying enough attention because I was engrossed in level 158 of Candy Crush” or “I didn’t know enough to see the signals the dogs was sending that he was uncomfortable”.   We get it, dog body language can be hard to read, especially for novice owners and bites can happen very fast, but please for all that is good and holy, don’t say that there was no warming.  Instead, do yourself a favor and ask how you missed the warning and how you can catch it the next time.  Throughout the day, your dog is giving you repeated status updates (Just like that annoying friend on Facebook  who wants you to know about their sudden rash and what they made for dinner), so do yourself a favor and pay attention.

Or maybe you just weren’t hugged enough as a child.

 

WTF Wednesday

12 Nov

Crocs:  You’ll never want to take them off, so long as you don’t look down or have friends who point them out, snicker and question your judgment to your face.

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Seriously.  They are ugly.  They’re not even tolerably ugly like cheap flip-flops or Vibrams (Arguable point for Fang). They’re just goddamn ugly.  Don’t pretend you like the humpbacked, chunky-and hole-filled clogs from hell.   You don’t and your feet don’t either.

For some reason that we can’t fathom, Crocs have spread like the clap around the globe and are no longer just for unfortunately dressed German tourists.  

Because Crocs are the gift that won’t stop giving, one company has apparently decided to jump into the fray by creating a dog bed that is shaped like a Croc.   For serious. 

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Do you hate your dog?  You sure?  That says “I hate myself and my little dog too”.  We already know about the stupid decorative pins (Nothing can fix the ugly that are those) and the fancy dress crocs which almost look like real shoes (You can’t fool us, foam-manufacturing heathens) but this… this has gone too far. Leave the dogs alone.

More than you wanted to know a.k.a. Why I’m not here right now, by Fang.

2 Nov

As many of you are aware I recently moved and have been more absent than usual from our illustrious blog this fall. Busy Bee and Potnoodle have been rockstars keeping up where I’ve bitched out and I owe them many frilly drinks on our next adventure. As for me… well  I started a new job (Which I think I actually love), left a situation I can only describe as a rut (Didn’t love but it was home) and have been struggling with my mental health on a level of intense and scary I’ve not had in a long time. This is a dog blog, but it’s still a blog and I feel like some explanation of my absence to our readers and my co-writers is in order.

Minus the substance abuse problems of these rockstars.

I rarely talk about personal things (and by rare I mean jackalope riding a unicorn to the moon rare). My problems have been and will continue to be my problems whether or not I voice them to others. When things are going poorly it’s rare for me to talk much at all. This has been a very quiet fall everywhere but in my own head.  Finding topics I can be flippant about in TDS irreverence has been difficult if not impossible when every good thing I can find personally is torpedoed by my own brain. I’ve been torpedoing other things too making it an incredibly lonely time despite being more involved with other people than I have been in years.

Not to make this about me or anything.

In a non-technical sense I have an anxiety disorder. In my case essentially it means I obsess over minor things that are stressful to the point of destroying my own life. I can say that and think it’s totally normal and that alone is likely a problem. I was tentatively diagnosed as a child which wasn’t technically correct but I’m not going to argue. I literally cannot turn off the wave of bad feelings in my head without a lot of mental prepping and relaxation techniques. Sounds like a real party, right? I learned to cope well enough to pass as a semi-productive human being but my coping mechanisms of ‘control issues’ and ‘sucking it up’ are only effective for so long. In a more technical sense, I can play “Genetic component mental health disorders Bingo” on my family tree with most of the DSMV-IV so the possible diagnosis element scares me more than the label it was given a decade ago. There’s a lot to be said about removing the stigma from mental illness, but I am neither brave nor an advocate for anything beyond minimizing the stupid in my daily existence, so while I can tell you I have a problem, I still don’t super-want to talk about it or hang up a banner let alone announce it to complete strangers in public.

 

I do also like spinach and sailor suits.

Dear readers, while you’ve been working away productively this fall, I’ve been whittling away the tenuous grasp I have on reality and practicing my high-dives from ridiculous anxiety cliffs down to end of the world ocean while telling everyone things are great and aiming for an air of “I’m totally fine, how ridiculous for you to wonder, peon”. While the anxiety itself has been justified, the attitude about it has not been, nor has the pulling away from anyone who cares about me, the lame excuses for not wanting to talk, the refusal to discuss anything that doesn’t have four legs and fur or the brushing-off of my fellow TDS authors when they ask for my input. It’s not okay and I’m sorry.

Nothing says I’m sorry like potato animals.

So here’s the gist, kids. I’ve been gone for a while. I will likely continue to be gone for a while minus the odd rant, at least until I can find my sense of humor again. Things are not alright and I am not okay, despite what I may in fact tell you but I’m pretty sure they will be okay eventually, maybe, and once they’re okay-ish then I will be too.

Except really fine.

 

Some things that are fine (For realz):

-My dogs are fantastic and perfect.

-I get to sign papers giving kids puppies.

-I really do like my new job.

-Booking hotel rooms for dog shows gives me things to look forward to.

-Many people have it a lot worse than me (Which is awful but finding perspective helps tone down the personal angst a lot when you’re stuck in a loop)

-I have friends who at least tolerate me when things are rough.

-Ironic use of Z for pluralizing words.*

*No that’s never okay.

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