We can’t lie. We kind of need this. And not because we mop on a regular basis.
Apparently you can just add it to your existing mop. Wait, do real adults own mops? Does a Swiffer count? We sure hope so.
Seriously. Look at that poor dog. It astounds us (not really, because people are the worst) that someone could actually look at that dog and think it’s cute. It all just pisses us off. The owner pisses us off. The people who defend this dog and proclaim he’s just “chubby” or “sturdy” piss us off. Sorry to break it to you people, but Pugs don’t have to be morbidly obese. It shouldn’t be shocking when you run into a trim Pug, and yet…it is.
Look closer. That fatty nose roll practically blocks his nostrils. Because, you know, Pugs don’t already have enough breathing issues. With the nose-obscuring fat roll and the copious layers of blubber, it’s a wonder this dog is still alive or functional at all. We can’t imagine that he will be around much longer if his owner doesn’t do something about it. There is such a thing as “loving” your dog to death, and unfortunately this is the latest poster child. Make it stop.
Crocs: You’ll never want to take them off, so long as you don’t look down or have friends who point them out, snicker and question your judgment to your face.
Seriously. They are ugly. They’re not even tolerably ugly like cheap flip-flops or Vibrams (Arguable point for Fang). They’re just goddamn ugly. Don’t pretend you like the humpbacked, chunky-and hole-filled clogs from hell. You don’t and your feet don’t either.
For some reason that we can’t fathom, Crocs have spread like the clap around the globe and are no longer just for unfortunately dressed German tourists.
Because Crocs are the gift that won’t stop giving, one company has apparently decided to jump into the fray by creating a dog bed that is shaped like a Croc. For serious.
Do you hate your dog? You sure? That says “I hate myself and my little dog too”. We already know about the stupid decorative pins (Nothing can fix the ugly that are those) and the fancy dress crocs which almost look like real shoes (You can’t fool us, foam-manufacturing heathens) but this… this has gone too far. Leave the dogs alone.
Whatever happened to washing your dog the old-fashioned way? Do we really need more contraptions? Here are a few observations about the Woof Washer 360:
In summation, we can’t think of a less practical way to wash your dog. If you’re incapable of handling your dog to bathe it, it’s unlikely you can run it through this contraption. We suggest a groomer.
Which blonde wore it better?
No, this is not a canine recreation of classic Britney and her unfortunate cameltoe. It’s the Shed Defender, which according to the website is a “lightweight, breathable, form fitting jumpsuit for dogs that is worn to contain any shedding, dander and allergens. “ Just what we always wanted freaks and geeks, a Gimp suit for dogs. We hate to tell you it’s BYOB (bring your own ball-gag) so keep that in mind when you’re measuring your Dachsub or Caning Corso…
It’s also a way to ensure that your dog will poop in your shoe while you’re gone and that you will be shamed hard (and then harder) by The Dog Snobs. No one looks good in spandex.
Our opinion on Flexis is pretty well known, but we’ve stumbled upon perhaps the stupidest version of a flexi we’ve seen so far. That’s right. That’s a flexi attached under a bike seat. Take a moment and imagine the many ways that could go wrong. Did you imagine a toddler being clotheslined? How about severe whiplash when your dog runs on the wrong side of a tree? Oh, you saw a tripping jogger? All of those things (plus more) could happen in the same bike ride with one of these suckers. There’s no way to lock the device, so your dog could be doing any number of things as you peddle along. Have fun with that. Honestly, Clean Run, we expected better from you.
Because our dogs apparently deserve better than tap water, a company has created sparkling dog water that comes in a bedazzled bottle. Seriously. And, at only $30 for a four pack, your dog can drink in style and empty your pockets at the same time. Wonder how many bottles it takes to fill the toilet up, if we’re talking about fulfilling our dog’s wildest desire.
It all comes back to poop, right?
According to the company behind this lovely toy, “Abandoned at birth, Mr. Poops* could not understand why no one would want him. Alone, in the hot sun, he was left to dry out with no hope of survival. With each passing dog he hoped that he would not be so dried out that no one would recognize him as they sniffed looking to find their own family. Please adopt Mr. Poops and give him the family he deserves.
Enough with the orphan poop sob story. Can we track down the asshole who left Mr. Poops spattered on the sidewalk in the first place? I am sure our vigilante poo crew would love to swing into action.
Also, according to Amazon, Mr. Poops is 10 inches long. Clearly Mr. Poops’ “creator” has been eating shitty dog food. May we suggest a nice grain-free food instead?
So, who wants to welcome Mr. Poops into their home this holiday season? Doesn’t everyone want to see a massive turd** on their family room floor or dangling from Fluffy’s mouth?
*yes, they named him Mr. Poops. We would like to think his first name is Seymour.
**pretty sure this is the same pattern used to create the classic toy “Shermy the Spermy”. Ok fine, we just made that up. That toy doesn’t exist…yet.
Because using a plastic bag is too much work, we have found yet another poop removal product that panders to the…useless. Like the Poop Freeze , The Poop Trap, and the AuggieDog Pop Vacuum before it, the Ash PooPie (really, must that second P be capitalized) promises to revolutionize the way you pick up animal waste .Yay?
This product reminds us of wart Freeze Off in the most disturbing of ways. Press this device in to the blemish on your yard (or face) and just like that…gone. We do have to wonder about the smell though. Can you smell the burning poo? What do you do with the little pile of shit ash that is left behind…. leave it there? Do you carry it around on walks and leave the little piles of ash on other people’s lawn? We have questions, and this video answers none of them. It does, however, answer the one question we didn’t ask. Can it be used on human waste? The answer is yes… but we don’t want it to be.