As the prize for winning the first-ever Dog Snob photo contest, Ali B. earned the right to choose any topic of her choice for us to riff on, and boy did she pick a doozie. Ali consulted with her friends from vet school and came up with the idea of judging “idiot owners that didn’t expect their unneutered pets to have sex.” Yes, this is an idea we can get behind…ew…we mean…on board with.
So perhaps we should start out by explaining the birds and the bees, or in this case the intact dogs and bitches. When a mommy dog and a daddy love each other….oh wait. Nevermind. When a dog and bitch are left alone together…they will get it on. (cue Barry White)
Below are some examples (many of which are common threads on Yahoo! Answers of things idiot owners will say when their intact dogs end up mating. We’re pretty certain (fine, 100% sure) that if one of these thoughts ever crosses your mind, you are NOT ready to keep intact dogs. Or procreate yourselves. Or read our blog.
“But they’re siblings!!”
Yes, of course your dogs know that incest is wrong. Given that your dogs aren’t confused, horny pre-pubescent teens reading “Flowers in the Attic” , we’re pretty sure that they have no idea what incest is even is.
Girl, you like fiiiiine
“I thought they would know better!”
Oh, you thought your dogs understood our human ideas of right and wrong?
That’s nice. Keep that in mind the next time your dog gets sick from eating something gross or runs after a squirrel. Some things are inevitable, like the tragedy that will befall you if you utter these words.
It’s not just a dog food, kids.
“Well, they’re totally different sizes!”
Because that’s ever stopped two dogs before. Have you noticed how many dogs are part Dachshund? Those little fuckers get around.
“I only left them alone for a minute!”
We’re not saying your bitch got any satisfaction out of it, just that you let her get pregnant. Dogs are like teenage boys–it only takes a second. Also, they often smell bad and will hump anything with a pulse.
“Yeah, I can do plenty of bad things before you get back, enjoy your trip.”
“We have five dogs in the house, its nearly IMPOSSIBLE to prevent a pregnancy”
So you authorized a doggy gang bang? If you aren’t smart enough to prevent a
pregnancy… spay the bitch, neuter the dog, and punch yourself in the throat.
It’s like a doggy diaper and a chastity belt all in one.*
“I didn’t want the dog to leave blood on the upholstery so I tied her up outside.”
Right, because obviously having puppies is MUCH less messy. Dog Birth is like a scene from “Carrie”, if Carrie licked up the mess afterwards. It’s gross. If you don’t want to spay your dog, get hot pants.
It’s not quite a kotex ad, but you get the gist.
“I didn’t know he was mating with her, I thought they were just playing!”
They were playing….hide and seek.
Not quite what they meant by the dog being tied
*belly bands do NOT actually work as chastity belts. Don’t try it, dumbass.
What are the worst excuses you’ve ever heard given for accidental litters? Rage on, minions, rage on!