Dear Dog Snobs,
I have a retired NGA Greyhound. How do I answer the myriad people who exclaim in astonishment “That’s a hound dog? I thought it was a racing dog?” I am running out of patience and sarcasm *gasp*! My dog is what is known as a ‘game dog’, but the dog experts I meet every single day have never heard of a game dog. I find myself wanting to recite her kills this week, but that does upset the poor dears. Apparently dogs never kill things. And apparently they have no idea that murder is the intent when giving a squeaky toy to their little ball of fluff. I await your witty response in breathless anticipation. Thank you for your help.
KILL ALL THE THINGS!! Also, you’re running out of sarcasm? Well then you’ve come to the right place. We’re not really sure how ‘hound’ eluded them. It’s right there in greyHOUND. Dogs are intended to be a predatory animal. We know more terriers with a bloodlust like something out of the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” than greyhounds, but the instinct is there. They’re not running around the track for their weekly cardio or because Pilates was full. They aren’t chasing squirrels to make new friends (though some dogs are entirely unsure of what to do with small game once they catch it); they’re catching it to kill it. Anyone who doesn’t know this, doesn’t know dogs, and therefore is probably a know-it-all moron. Since murder of the stupid is still illegal, the easiest option is to just walk away.
Dear Dog Snobs,
I live in an apartment building that is dog-friendly. I have a dog. I love dogs. What I do not love is that my neighbor’s dog barks ALL the time. From the time the owner leaves to when the owner comes back, the dog sits at the door and barks. Before I go talk to management, I think maybe I should talk to the owner directly. Is this a good idea? What should I say? Help please!
Be aggressive. Passive Aggressive! Or not. We do think it is probably best to try to talk to the owner first. They may not even be aware the dog barks since as you said, it only does is when left home alone. You can bring it up casually, maybe framing it as you being concerned because the dog seems upset, or you can be straight-forward and just let them know their dog is barking, and that it is disturbing you. The dog could be barking because it has separation anxiety or maybe it’s just under-exercised and bored. Either way, it would probably be useful to offer them some advice/resources. Suggestions you could give them include leaving the dog with fun food toys or puzzles to occupy them, upping exercise before you leave so the dog is tired, and working on desensitizing the dog to the owner coming and going. This last one obviously will take time, but if done right, can be very useful. If the owner seems unresponsive or unwilling to work with their dog, then you can totally go talk to the management. Just because you love dogs doesn’t mean you have to put up with annoying ones.
Dear Dog Snobs,
I just started dating a really nice guy who seems perfect, except that he doesn’t particularly like dogs. He doesn’t actively dislike them, but he has taken no interest in my own dog (who is the best thing EVER) and seems annoyed when I stop to say hi to cute dogs when we are out and about. Is this a deal-breaker? What would you do?
Wait? You have a date? Is he a serial killer? No? Then what is your problem? Go for it. We would. Ok, fine, we guess you want a real answer. Is it a deal-breaker? It depends. If you don’t need a partner who obsesses over dogs like you do, it could work out. Plus, maybe only having one crazy dog owner is a good thing and could bring some balance to the relationship. But, if you are dead set on having a boyfriend who will discuss dog poop consistency at length with you (swoon), this probably isn’t your guy. We can’t really answer this for you, but we can provide you with this lovely image while you mull it over.
Dear Dog Snobs,
First of all, props on what provided me with several hours of laughter and conversation topics for my dog friends. Secondly, I have a ask the dog snobs question. For many years I had a wonderful rescue border collie whom I adored. He was a rock star of a dog and we competed and titled in Rally-O, obedience, flyball, and agility and were very successful. Most of the people who I was acquaintances/friends with in the world of dog sports had nothing but nice things to say about my rescue border who was of the working variety. I had to have a double hip replacement done on him before he was five(congenital early onset hip dysplastia) and we continued along our way together until he was eight at which point he was diagnosed with terminal bone cancer and when it was his time to go and he was in too much pain I made the decision to let him go. Long story short I made the decision after much thought and research to purchase my second border from a breeder. I hunted and searched, got told to go to this performance breeder or that one. I eventually made my own decision and went to a breeder who’s dogs are multi-titled (and by that I mean she shows in confirmation as well as titling her dogs in performance events). I thought my ‘friends’ would be thrilled for me. Had I gone to another of the ‘well known’ performance dog breeders I would have gotten all kinds of praise I’m sure. As it was I got some pretty rough feedback(without even knowing the breeder or my new dog!). I even had one acquaintance use the derogatory ‘barbie collie’ reference to indicate to another friend in front of me what I had decided to purchase. She also made a comment about him being a ‘pretty face but who knows if there’s anything going on upstairs’. I’m offended. I’ve cut ties with that ‘friend’ but I just don’t understand. I know there is a huge controversy about borders being added to the AKC and that ABCA wants nothing to do with it. My puppy(who I got at 8 months and co-own with his breeder) already has a UD at 16 months and has passed his Delta certification. I feel like I (we) are being looked down upon because he is also major pointed and has a dam and sire who are Champions. No one wants to look at the fact that for four generations back on both his Dam and Sire’s side there are multiple open herding titles as well as OTCH’s, MACH’s, tracking titles, S&R dogs-really the list could go on and on. I believe in a well rounded dog whatever the source and I”m tired of the performance snobs degrading me and my puppy because he isn’t either a ‘rescue’ or a ‘performance bred’ border. How should I respond when I get nasty comments in the future?
The question we ask you is… do you like your dog? Are you happy with your decision? If so, follow the age old advice… Fuck ‘em all. You do you. Go out, title your dog. Don’t pay attention to what lines anyone’s dogs are. If it’s a nice dog it DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER. Good dogs can be found anywhere. (Unless it’s a doodle. We don’t talk about doodles.) If someone says something rude, you smile, nod your head and then go in the ring and hopefully trounce them. If you don’t, go home, train smarter and try again. Don’t get involved in the politics, within a breed club or a specific sport or a training club. Go train your dog and use results to argue your point for you. If you can’t do that, well… you probably won’t last long before the vultures eat you alive. We train for ourselves and it’s a good practice for you to do the same. Also, we took the breeder name out. If we aren’t judging you for your Barbie Collie, we can’t judge her for her rat faced ones…
**Ok kids, have any questions you need answers to? Want some snarky inspiration on how to deal with dumb people? Send us your questions at firstname.lastname@example.org and we will include them in a future installment.**