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Ask the Dog Snobs: Round 3

15 Oct

Dear Dog Snobs,

I have a retired NGA Greyhound.   How do I answer the myriad people who exclaim in astonishment “That’s a hound dog?  I thought it was a racing dog?” I am running out of patience and sarcasm *gasp*!   My dog is what is known as a ‘game dog’, but the dog experts I meet every single day have never heard of a game dog.   I find myself wanting to recite her kills this week, but that does upset the poor dears.  Apparently dogs never kill things.  And apparently they have no idea that murder is the intent when giving a squeaky toy to their little ball of fluff.  I await your witty response in breathless anticipation. Thank you for your help.

-Ann

KILL ALL THE THINGS!!  Also, you’re running out of sarcasm?  Well then you’ve come to the right place. We’re not really sure how ‘hound’ eluded them. It’s right there in greyHOUND. Dogs are intended to be a predatory animal. We know more terriers with a bloodlust like something out of the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” than greyhounds, but the instinct is there. They’re not running around the track for their weekly cardio or because Pilates was full. They aren’t chasing squirrels to make new friends (though some dogs are entirely unsure of what to do with small game once they catch it);  they’re catching it to kill it. Anyone who doesn’t know this, doesn’t know dogs, and therefore is probably a know-it-all moron. Since murder of the stupid  is still illegal, the easiest option is to just walk away.

Truth

Dear Dog Snobs,

I live in an apartment building that is dog-friendly. I have a dog.  I love dogs.  What I do not love is that my neighbor’s dog barks ALL the time.  From the time the owner leaves to when the owner comes back, the dog sits at the door and barks.  Before I go talk to management,  I think maybe I should talk to the owner directly.  Is this a good idea?  What should I say?  Help please!

-Sarah K.

Be aggressive.  Passive Aggressive!  Or not.  We do think it is probably best to try to talk to the owner first.  They may not even be aware the dog barks since as you said, it only does is when left home alone.  You can bring it up casually, maybe framing it as you being concerned because the dog seems upset, or you can be straight-forward and just let them know their dog is barking, and that it is disturbing you.     The dog could be barking because it has separation anxiety or maybe it’s just under-exercised and bored. Either way, it would probably be useful to offer them some advice/resources.  Suggestions you could give them include leaving the dog with fun food toys or puzzles to occupy them, upping exercise before you leave so the dog is tired, and working on desensitizing the dog to the owner coming and going.  This last one obviously  will take time, but if done right, can be very useful.    If the owner seems unresponsive or unwilling to work with their dog, then you can totally go talk to the management.  Just because you love dogs doesn’t mean you have to put up with annoying ones.

 

Dear Dog Snobs,

I just started dating a really nice guy who seems perfect, except that he doesn’t particularly like dogs.   He doesn’t actively dislike them, but he has taken no interest in my own dog (who is the best thing EVER) and seems annoyed when I stop to say hi to cute dogs when we are out and about.   Is this a deal-breaker?  What would you do?  

–Jenn L.

Wait?  You have a date?  Is he a serial killer?  No?  Then what is your problem? Go for it.  We would.  Ok, fine, we guess you want a real answer.  Is it a deal-breaker?  It depends.   If you don’t need a partner who obsesses over dogs like you do, it could work out.   Plus, maybe only having one crazy dog owner is a good thing and could bring some balance to the relationship.  But, if you are dead set on having a boyfriend who will discuss dog poop consistency at length with you (swoon), this probably isn’t your guy.  We can’t really answer this for you, but we can provide you with this lovely image while you mull it over.

One of each, please.

 

Dear Dog Snobs,

First of all, props on what provided me with several hours of laughter and conversation topics for my dog friends. Secondly, I have a ask the dog snobs question. For many years I had a wonderful rescue border collie whom I adored. He was a rock star of a dog and we competed and titled in Rally-O, obedience, flyball, and agility and were very successful. Most of the people who I was acquaintances/friends with in the world of dog sports had nothing but nice things to say about my rescue border who was of the working variety. I had to have a double hip replacement done on him before he was five(congenital early onset hip dysplastia) and we continued  along our way together until he was eight at which point he was diagnosed with terminal bone cancer and when it was his time to go and he was in too much pain I made the decision to let him go. Long story short I made the decision after much thought and research to purchase my second border from a breeder. I hunted and searched, got told to go to this performance breeder or that one. I eventually made my own decision and went to a breeder who’s dogs are multi-titled (and by that I mean she shows in confirmation as well as titling her dogs in performance events). I thought my ‘friends’ would be thrilled for me. Had I gone to another of the ‘well known’ performance dog breeders I would have gotten all kinds of praise I’m sure. As it was I got some pretty rough feedback(without even knowing the breeder or my new dog!). I even had one acquaintance use the derogatory ‘barbie collie’ reference to indicate to another friend in front of me what I had decided to purchase. She also made a comment about him being a ‘pretty face but who knows if there’s anything going on upstairs’. I’m offended. I’ve cut ties with that ‘friend’ but I just don’t understand. I know there is a huge controversy about borders being added to the AKC and that ABCA wants nothing to do with it. My puppy(who I got at 8 months and co-own with his breeder) already has a UD at 16 months and has passed his Delta certification.  I feel like I (we) are being looked down upon because he is also major pointed and has a dam and sire who are Champions. No one wants to look at the fact that for four generations back on both his Dam and Sire’s side there are multiple  open herding titles as well as OTCH’s, MACH’s, tracking titles, S&R dogs-really the list could go on and on. I believe in a well rounded dog whatever the source and I”m tired of the performance snobs degrading me and my puppy because he isn’t either a ‘rescue’ or a ‘performance bred’ border.  How should I respond when I get nasty comments in the future?

–Borderline Infuriated

 

The question we ask you is… do you like your dog? Are you happy with your decision? If so, follow the age old advice… Fuck ‘em all. You do you. Go out, title your dog. Don’t pay attention to what lines anyone’s dogs are. If it’s a nice dog it DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER. Good dogs can be found anywhere.  (Unless it’s a doodle. We don’t talk about doodles.) If someone says something rude, you smile, nod your head and then go in the ring and hopefully trounce them. If you don’t, go home, train smarter and try again. Don’t get involved in the politics, within a breed club or a specific sport or a training club. Go train your dog and use results to argue your point for you. If you can’t do that, well… you probably won’t last long before the vultures eat you alive. We train for ourselves and it’s a good practice for you to do the same. Also, we took the breeder name out. If we aren’t judging you for your Barbie Collie, we can’t judge her for her rat faced ones…

 

 

**Ok kids, have any questions you need answers to?  Want some snarky inspiration on how to deal with dumb people?  Send us your questions at thedogsnobs@gmail.com and we will include them in a future installment.**

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Ask the Dog Snobs Round Two

11 Jun

Dear Dog Snobs,

I work at an animal hospital and about half of our calls start with “I know this is a weird question but…” The question I have for you is how do I tell someone, politely, that they are an idiot?  “My Blue Heeler/Australian Shepherd/Jack Russell/name the high energy breed is driving us crazy.  He just runs and runs all the time and if we keep him in the house he tears it up.”  What did you think you were buying?  Why do breeders sell dogs like this to people who have no clue what they are getting?  He was bred to run all day long.  Give him a job and exercise him or you are going to have problems.  I get a totally blank stare back like I am speaking a foreign language.  Thank you for letting me rant.  

–Lisa

Dear Lisa,

First, it sounds like you need a padded desk so you don’t hurt yourself when you beat your head into the desk repeatedly each time you get an idiot on the phone. Sadly, calling people idiots to their faces has not become standardly acceptable. If you owned the business I’d say go to town, but since you don’t and have that whole “needing to get paid”  thing going on, we need to give you a better coping strategy. Of course you could attempt to educate them on the exercise needs of their dog, but we’ve found that people who find it necessary to ask why their high-energy breed doesn’t sleep all day generally won’t be responsive to reason. If you are southern, you can frequently get away with ‘Bless your heart’ or some variation on the theme. It essentially implies a level of stupid requiring divine intervention because there’s jack-all we can do for it.  Even if you aren’t southern, you can totally bust out a fake accent while blessing their hearts. As it stands however, non-committal noises and a dart-board in the staff room may serve you better in the long run.

Sincerely,

The Dog Snobs

Dear Dog Snobs

I have miniature pinschers.  The seemingly endless “is that one of them mini Dobermans?” Drives me to distraction; and that’s a short trip!  I have miniature pinschers.  The next thing that comes out is something like “not a Chihuahua?” ………… Tired of explaining the history of my breed.  What’s a good retort to the obvious?   

–Julie

Dear Julie,

We recommend that you obtain a Doberman by whatever means you see fit. Then,  when people inevitably ask if the Miniature is a puppy of the obviously younger Doberman, shake your head, sigh, and say “No, the big one was supposed to stay that size but it just kept growing!” Unfortunately, people are always going to ask dumb questions.  We generally do our best to avoid this by not making eye contact with people and pretending not to hear them when they say stupid things.

Sincerely,

The Dog Snobs

Dear Dog Snobs,

I have a two year Old English Bulldog.  He has all of the normal bull-headed traits that go with bully breeds which makes training challenging an adventure.  We have started walking him since out Rott died.  Walking the two of them together was not an option because there are many loose dogs in the area.  By themselves they were fine with other dogs but together they went into “protect mom from the approaching demon hound” mode.  He’s pretty good about not pulling on the leash and is pretty content to walk beside me.  The problem is that he feels the need to stare up at me adoringly instead of paying attention to where we are going.  This leads to him walking into my legs, leaving me tripping over his bulk.  Do you have any ideas of how to get him to keep his eyes on the road and off of me?  I know how awesome and wonderful I am already and would like to be able to walk without running into my own personal doggy roadblock.  Thanks for your suggestions,

–Harmony

Dear Harmony,

We think you should utilize his idolization of you and have an OTCh bulldog. If he’s going to stare adoringly, you might as well harness it for good instead of evil. Teaching the correct heel position takes some time, but we feel it would allow your canine stalker to admire you from up close without becoming a speedbump. Or maybe just get a snausage on the end of a stick and hang it in front of him. One of those, for sure.

Sincerely,

The Dog Snobs

Dear Dog Snobs,

I know you profess to be….well… dog snobs but how do you feel about those people who are truly, utterly, hatefully dog snobs? Those people who tell you that you are doing NOTHING right and that you should rehome the dog then when you announce you are going to rehome the dog, they jump on you for that?

–Pam

Dear Pam,

We tell those people to fuck off. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone also has a rectum. Some people spew from both ends at the same time. We also would tell you that those people aren’t dog snobs, they’re just hateful and are not people you need to associate with. This actually sounds like an internet forum phenomenon we are all too familiar with. In any internet forum, there are people who give less-than-tactful advice (albeit sound advice), but they tend to be overwhelmed by the cacophony of jerky dogpiling that ensues. The key is to be able to sort out the chaff and not be overwhelmed by the repetitive nature of the internet. If you’re feeling that overwhelmed however, it’s usually a good sign to step-away and distance yourself from the people professing to help you. It’s not helpful or kind and it won’t enrich your life.

Sincerely,

The Dog Snobs

Dear Dog Snobs,

I’ve noticed that my foster pups’ poops are a nice size to be shot in a slingshot at asshole neighbors. My question is; How long should I let them age to obtain maximum velocity yet still maintain a nice “splattering” effect on impact? I mean, too moist and mooshy and they would be slow and probably even fall apart, but too dry and hard they would lose their properties of being… well, shit. I’m sure you can see my dilemma here, and I’d really appreciate your input and expertise.

–Jim

Wow, good thing you asked us this very important question.  We have the perfect solution.  First, you must use Poop Freeze to solidify the turds, but remember to do so lightly as to maintain some of the desired consistency.  Mind you, finding the happy spot between frozen missile and splattery mess may take some experimentation.  However, once they are frozen to your liking, use your Turd Burglar to slapshot those suckers at your neighbors.  We suggest wearing a face mask for obvious reasons.  Also, note that form is key in an endeavor like this, so we suggest you watch some professional hockey games first so that you can perfect your swing.

Sincerely,

The Dog Snobs

**Have More Burning Questions for The Dog Snobs? Send them to thedogsnobs@gmail.com and we’ll get to them eventually!**

Ask The Dog Snobs

17 May

In the first of what we will hope will be a regular column, we will be answering questions sent in by our minions.  It’s like Dear Abby, but with teeth.

Dear Dog Snobs,

I have a large breed- pretty much the largest (an Irish Wolfhound) and I am really tired of hearing the same things every time we go out: “He’s so BIG!” “He’s like a PONY!” “You could ride him!” And on and on and on. I usually just smile and nod but I’m close to hanging a sign on my dog that says YES I KNOW HOW BIG HE IS. How would you respond to the Captain Obvious brigade?

–Lindsay

 We have a few suggestions.  The first is to take the higher ground and ignore them.  But what fun would that be?  So our real suggestion is to hit these geniuses with one of the following retorts:

     “You think this is big?  You should see my husband!”

    “I sometimes ride my boyfriend like a pony. The dog just doesn’t have the same thrill”

    “Yeah, the saddle only fits me.”

     “Really, how big is he?”

Try getting that image out of your head.

Try getting that image out of your head.

Dear Dog Snobs,

My 5 year old male is obsessed with eating poo. While I understand my crew is on a raw diet of venison and I’m sure is appealing to him, it’s totally repulsive to me. I’ve tried several “remedies” (somehow incorporate pumpkin in treats, which I did among others) and he still fiends for the poo!! WTH is wrong with him?? If I put him out with one of my girls he literally busts his balls by all means to catch the turd before it hits the ground. Yes I have video of this. Gross but get I’m a dog mom so I don’t need an explanation. Any suggestions, input or remedies would be appreciated/interesting and most likely attempted by me to stop this madness!!

—Janine

This in a nutshell is why we don’t do dog kisses (except for BusyBee, who couldn’t avoid them if she tried). Clearly you need to get a poo trap for your other dogs so your male can’t make a buffet of lawn turds.   Scratch that.  That’d be stupid.  What you actually should do is….

     -Try adding pineapple to your dog’s diet. For some reason it makes poop taste gross to some dogs.

     -There are many mass marketed products you can try (just look on Amazon)

     -Pumpkin is for loose stool or constipation, most dogs like it going in so the fact that your dog finds it tasty coming  out isn’t all that surprising.

     -Put on a basket muzzle whenever he goes outside, if it worked for Hannibal Lecter it should work for your dog. Human flesh/dog shit… equally disgusting.

2718c81385117152933107cf347eb7d5830c561a5251d8be1b2f1c01416a05e3

Dear Dog Snobs,

Why do people cross the road or leave the dog path when they see my shepherd coming down the street?

—Dana

To get to the other side? Oh wait, that’s the chicken. Hmmm… Perhaps they don’t want to be seen my such a magnificent creature. You know, like how people don’t want their picture taken with other people that are more attractive than them? Otherwise, it could be any number of reasons: they don’t like dogs, they’re afraid of dogs or that body odor issue you thought was under control isn’t (Seriously, see a doctor.). In all seriousness as people who’ve had some breeds who get ‘bad reputations’ (Or in Potnoodle’s case, fluffy reputations), we get it.  It can be hard not to take it personally, but we suggest just ignoring those dumbasses and continuing to strut your stuff proudly down the street with your gorgeous dog . We suggest sparkles or outfits.

You know how we do

Dear Dog Snobs,

A close (non-dog) friend recently asked for my assistance finding a dog. After listening to me talk for hours about responsible breeders and rescue she bought two (two!)  puppies of a breed I specifically told her to avoid from a backyard breeder. What’s the best way to kill her and make sure no one finds her body?

— Ignored and Enraged

 

Good question.  We feel your rage.  We really, do.  We can’t actually give you advice on committing a crime, but, “hypothetically”, what you should do is ….. well we’ll tell you that part via email. Really though, we get it.  Maybe a slap upside the head?  A punch to the throat?  A kick to the babymaker? All totally deserved.  Also, when her puppies inevitably drive her crazy or come up with a smorgasbord of health issues, we highly encourage you to do the “I told you so” dance like this or that.

It even has the soda can for comparison!


***Have a question you want The Dog Snobs to tackle?  EMAIL them to us at thedogsnobs@gmail.com***