Me: Hey, I’m so sorry that my dog was a dick this morning.
Neighbor: Did you just call your dog a dick?
Me: You don’t?
Neighbor: No. That’s not very nice.
Really? You think calling my dog a dick isn’t nice? Well it’s a good thing she didn’t hear some of the other things I’ve called him recently. One of the things I am most proud of is my vast knowledge colorful insults. I’m pretty sure I’ve called my dog a twatwaffle or an assmarmot at least a few times in the last few months.
Here’s the thing. I love my dog. I really do. Just ask my Facebook friends who have to see at least 30 gazillion photos of him per week (and yes, those pictures of him sleeping aren’t all the same, I swear). But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t sometimes act like a dick. And as his (loving) owner, I reserve the right to call it as I see it. The names I call him really have no bearing on my love for him. And beyond that, guess what?…he doesn’t understand that I am calling him a phallus and he certainly doesn’t know what a marmot is.
Referring to my dog as an asshole or dick in conversation isn’t going to traumatize him or impact our relationship, I promise. I can pretty much guarantee that people have done worse things to their dogs than calling them a cockmuppet (you’re welcome for that new vocabulary word).
So the next time you hear someone telling their dog that that their mother was a hamster and their father smells of elderberries, please don’t don’t get your panties (yes, I used that word. That is an entirely different issue for an entirely different blog) in a twist.