Archive | April, 2017

A dick by any other name: BusyBee’s latest annoyance

7 Apr

Me:  Hey, I’m so sorry that my dog was a dick this morning.

Neighbor: Did you just call your dog a dick?

Me:  You don’t?

Neighbor:  No. That’s not very nice.

Really?  You think calling my dog a dick isn’t nice?  Well it’s a good thing she didn’t hear some of the other things I’ve called him recently.  One of the things I am most proud of is my vast knowledge colorful insults.  I’m pretty sure I’ve called my dog a twatwaffle or an assmarmot at least a few times in the last few months.

Dogs have been killed for less than this.

Here’s the thing.  I love my dog.  I really do.  Just ask my Facebook friends who have to see at least 30 gazillion photos of him per week (and yes, those pictures of him sleeping aren’t all the same, I swear). But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t sometimes act like a dick.  And as his (loving) owner, I reserve the right to call it as I see it.  The names I call him really have no bearing on my love for him.   And beyond that, guess what?…he doesn’t understand that I am calling him a phallus and he certainly doesn’t know what a marmot is.

Just a pir-marmot.  Nothing see here.

Referring to my dog as an asshole or dick in conversation isn’t going to traumatize him or impact our relationship, I promise.  I can pretty much guarantee that people have done worse things to their dogs than calling them a cockmuppet (you’re welcome for that new vocabulary word).

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Kermit gives no fucks.  Sorry, Jim Henson.

So the next time you hear someone telling their dog that that their mother was a hamster and their father smells of elderberries, please don’t don’t get your panties (yes, I used that word. That is an entirely different issue for an entirely different blog) in a twist.

Older and Wiser, An Educational Rant By Potnoodle

6 Apr

I think I may be getting old, dear minions. (Long time, no see by the way. How’s your mom? Good, good.) As I was saying, I’m aging. I’m still actively involved in dog groups, I pitch in my two cents here or there but more often or not I just find myself shaking my head at what the young whippersnappers are working themselves up about this week. I remember those days (like five years ago), those long forum arguments about training styles, dog food, etc… but it all seems much more petty now. Of course, the training battles are still waging, as they were when the earth began and as they will when it ends. That’s not what I’m thinking about. It seems to have come in to fashion to be a hard assed dog owner. Where did that come from? When did pet weight become a dirty word? What’s with the nail nazis, commenting on every photo of a dog that doesn’t have nubs for nails? Fur Mommy is about the worst insult some of you kids can come up with, and it’s getting a little out of hand. I mean, we like to judge. It’s what we do, but our goal is to bring some levity to dog ownership, not make people feel like shit.

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Except for the real shitty ones.

Let’s talk about that first point a little further. Sit down for this, are you ready? There’s no need for the average dog to look like a pit bull walking into the show ring. You want your dog to look like that? Cool. Get out there and do the work. Food bowl conditioning is another point entirely, and maybe we’ll get to it one day but for right now, let’s focus on telling you kids to stop being shitlords and using pet weight as an insult especially if the dog is a FUCKING pet. Pet isn’t a dirty word, by the way… but I’ll talk about that shortly. Obviously, we don’t like fat dogs here at TDS, see a previously written article titled something along the lines of “Your dog is a fatass, feed him less”. A dog with a little coverage on his or her ribs though? That’s okay. It doesn’t make you edgy or cool to come along and comment on the dog’s weight. It really just makes you look like an asshat. Stay in your own lane, and out of my grass, damnit.

Alright. Toe nails. I get it. Same with the fat dog thing. Toe nails that touch the floor are ACTUALLY bad for a dog. I’m with you on that, I was a groomer for years… I’ve clipped some hellacious ones. This craze has gone too far though. Not every dog is a show doberman (Thank the sweet baby jesus). They don’t all need little nub nails. What if I told you that dogs use their toe nails? What a novel thought! Have a look at these cheetah toe nails (They don’t retract their claws like other cats, by the way. Never say we didn’t teach you something.) I recently witnessed someone in a facebook group comment that a whippet’s toe nails were too long. Mind you, the nails weren’t touching the ground. You know what whippets do exceptionally well? The same thing cheetahs do well… run and turn.

If you want to spend hours of your week devoted to your dog’s toe nails… more power to you. Get off the dick of people that have dogs with perfectly fine toe nails though.

Last point now. Thanks for sticking with the ramblings of an old woman. Fur Mommies and Pet Owners. Did you sneer up your nose when you read that? I bet you did, we’re all friends here… this is just an intervention. An intervention for assholes… but not the good kind of assholes we are. The Shitty ones that think it’s fun to infiltrate groups of Pibble Mommies and Pupper Lovers and wreck shit. Y’all need to get better hobbies. Why, all of a sudden, is having pet dogs a bad thing? All these people are doing is loving their perfectly fine, pet weight pets and clipping their toe nails like… once a month. The majority of you little shits work in the pet industry. These people are your bread and butter. And guess what? That Malinois your mom bought you that does rally and dock diving every now and again is a pet too, no matter how many “working dog, do not pet” patches you put on his Julius K9… so cool your shit. It does not make you cool to join groups and rile up suburban dog moms. That means it isn’t cool to join just to post pictures of your dogs testicles, or your dog eating raw bunnies, or your thin dog. (Also smoking doesn’t make you look cool either, while we’re covering dumb shit children do. )

OK Kids, Now that we’ve covered some home truths I feel we can carry on. We hope to soon get back to a much more regular posting schedule. You guys have gotten out of hand while we were gone. If you have a topic you’d like us to address, please do let us know. We’ll consider it.

P.S. No my dogs aren’t fat and they have perfectly acceptable toe nail lengths, even by Nail Nazi standards. I thought about posting a photo but I don’t need facebook stalkers, thanks.