Dog Commands: Reading Between the Lines

14 Jun

 

We here at The Dog Snobs have impeccably trained dogs. They’re not even dogs, really. Just perfect fuzzy robots. However, when we are walking Rover3D2, we sometimes notice that many times, people use one command when they really mean another.  Or they use one command when they really want to say something else entirely.  It’s craziness, really.  So, in order to help you out (because we are nothing if not helpful), we’ve made a list of what  people  *really* mean when they use certain dog commands as well as some handy-dandy alternatives.  You’re welcome.

 

“Heel”  really means…

“Walk next to me and don’t be a dickbag or I’ll beat you in private like the civilized people!”

 

“Look at me” really means…

“Stop staring at the drunk man dancing a jig. It’s awkward for all of us.”

 

“Leave it”  really means…

“Goddamnit, if you eat that tikka masala I dropped on the floor we’ll both suffer.”

 

“Drop it” really means…

“Let go or I swear to god I’ll cut your head off and then who will have the toy?”

 

“Come” really means….

“Keep running and see who gets to have dinner tonight.”

 

“Wait” really means…

“Move and die”

 

“Off” really means…

“If you push me down the stairs, I’ll break your kneecaps.”

 

“Lie Down” really means…

“Please just stop dicking around for five seconds.”

 

“Be nice” really means…

Nevermind. We don’t say that. This is for bad people.

 

If the above commands are a little too mainstream for you, may we also suggest these alternative commands:

 

“Don’t be a dick” 

“Really, stop being a dick and behave for 5 seconds so I don’t send you to Cincinnati to replace that Gorilla.”

 

“Get off my grill”  

“Get off that, I haven’t paid you off yet.”  

 

“Get out of there” 

“Get out of the cat box filled with delicious kitty truffles.”

 

“Don’t touch me” 

“You ate/rolled in something nasty, so no, I do not want your kisses.”  

 

“On your own time!”

“Will you PLEASE stop licking your junk next to me on the couch?”

 

“Seriously?” really means…

“Don’t even think about doing that dickbag thing you are about to do.”

 

“Calm the fuck down”

“Stop flinging yourself in the air, you freak.”

 

**Did we miss anything?  What favorite commands do you use?  Which commands would make your neighbors blush?  Share below!**

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48 Responses to “Dog Commands: Reading Between the Lines”

  1. Amanda June 14, 2016 at 1:16 am #

    In our house, “really?!?!” tends to be used as a one word ‘command’ instead of repeating an already uttered “alternative command.”

  2. Julie H. June 14, 2016 at 1:16 am #

    My favorite command is “Don’t even think about it!”. Said in the correct tone of voice with the correct facial expression and body language, this covers all the other commands that you can’t bring to mind at the moment because your dog is about to do something really unspeakable.

  3. Heather June 14, 2016 at 1:24 am #

    My favorites:

    “Go lay down!” (“Go anywhere but in my direct line of vision and leave me the hell alone.”)
    “Back up!” (“Put another three feet between yourself and the door before I dropkick you.”)
    “Off!” (“If you don’t get your whore ass off my pillows, I’m going to beat you.”
    “Go potty.” (“Quit effing around and do your business.”)
    Immediately followed by “Here!” (“Don’t you dare eat your shit you nasty bastard!”)

  4. Kat Farres June 14, 2016 at 1:26 am #

    I’m hot and sweaty DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LICK/SNIFF MY ASS…I NEED TO PEE….

  5. Titus June 14, 2016 at 1:29 am #

    The alarm clock is for you, too, asshole. No loud, conspicuous licking, wagging of tails against noisy stuff, or scratching and ear flapping seven minutes before it’s time to get up.

  6. Lila Bauewns June 14, 2016 at 1:31 am #

    “What the F*** are you doing” = “stop whatever it is you are doing/thinking of doing”

  7. Mel June 14, 2016 at 1:32 am #

    I too have a robot dog- no really, I do. An acquaintance of mine told my trainer that she was quitting his classes because she didn’t want to have a robot dog like mine. Bitch.
    Anyway, indigo realizes that when I use the word ‘Seriously?’ It means take one more step, choose not to listen- you are going to be banned from where I am. Worst punishment EVER. Why? German shepherd. ‘Nuff said.

  8. Summer June 14, 2016 at 1:37 am #

    My dog is deaf and when I flip him the bird it means: You are in a SHIT HEAP of trouble and being a total dick, so quit being such a goddamn dick!

  9. Louise Clements June 14, 2016 at 1:53 am #

    Get your hairy ass in here! NOW!

  10. carriewehmeyer June 14, 2016 at 1:54 am #

    “Bitch, please” (do not even think of running out the door first)

  11. Cindy June 14, 2016 at 2:00 am #

    You mean “Don’t be a dick” isn’t really a dog command??? LOL I have a 5 year old male rottweiler, I think that is what he hears most. Well that and “Get off of her” (our version of leave it) for her it is “Quit biting his face”

  12. Carolyn June 14, 2016 at 2:25 am #

    Don’t even think about it–directed to intact male shelter dog. Translation=”Don’t you dare pee on that vertical surface next to you.”

  13. Becka June 14, 2016 at 2:37 am #

    “Not a sheep,” means stop herding the children .
    “NOT A SHEEP,” means stop herding other people’s children.

  14. Rachel June 14, 2016 at 2:39 am #

    “Pretend you have manners” (don’t jump on this person who inexplicably wants to meet/pet you)

  15. Rae Hughes June 14, 2016 at 2:44 am #

    “NO! We are not in the ITARIDOD!! You would drown in the snow you little thing!” Said to my little timid BC. Anywhere new, she has to “GET OUT OF THERE NOW” (in her little mind) and she will pull on the waist-leash. Once we have been there 2 or 3 times, she wanders along nicely at my side :).
    “You WILL run out of licks at this rate!” to my older BC girl who loves to snuggle, cuddle, hug and LICK – contrary to all of those scientific studies that says dogs don’t like to do the 1st 3 of those.

  16. Jean Roberts June 14, 2016 at 2:47 am #

    Our dogs know “beat it” and they will totally get off the bed, the couch and leave you the F*** alone when given this command.
    It can be prefaced with “Get out of that!”

  17. Rosemary June 14, 2016 at 3:11 am #

    “What the hell are you thinking?” Heard often when sheep are involved.

  18. Ro June 14, 2016 at 3:12 am #

    “Have you lost your mind?” Translates to we both know you know this command, and I see you giving me the side eye trying to decide how far to push your bad ass ways right now.

  19. actualconversationswithmyhusband June 14, 2016 at 3:16 am #

    The first command I teach each of my fosters is “GETOUTTATHEKITCHEN!” This means, “you are in that room I told you not to be in, and you now have about 1.4 seconds to get the hell out before I put the hurt on ya.”

    For my own dogs, a calm and quiet “you’ll want to rethink some of your choices,” usually said without even looking up at what they’re doing, causes them to drop whatever it is and back slowly away to go find a Good Dog thing to do. Because I’m scariest when I’m quiet.

  20. Jennifer Lidbury June 14, 2016 at 3:21 am #

    EXCUSE ME?! Means you had best rethink whatever it is you are doing/about to do.
    We do not gnaw on our kitty! Means just that, just beating up the cat!

  21. martha hoffman June 14, 2016 at 3:28 am #

    wrong. wrong. wrong. Wrong! WRONG! WRROONNNGGG!!!!!!!!!

    Meaning: If you think I’m cross now, wait till I CROSS BACK OVER!!

  22. Sikacalling June 14, 2016 at 3:29 am #

    Like all good children my dogs know it’s serious when I start accounting
    1….. 2…. 3, otherwise known stop what ur doing and get here right now or all hell is going to break lose and someone will end up crated for the rest of the afternoon haha
    My guys also know
    “Where are u meant to be” otherwise known as that is clearly not heel, try again or games are over
    And
    “Get” otherwise know as get out of my f***ing way or things are going to get serious

    • actualconversationswithmyhusband June 15, 2016 at 2:49 pm #

      I do the counting thing too! A friend thought it was weird that I do that, like they’re human children, but I pointed out that I’m LAZY and see no reason to train the animals any differently than I trained the kid.

  23. Amy June 14, 2016 at 3:40 am #

    I have a Shiba, named Nauty… need I say more…

  24. Judy June 14, 2016 at 10:43 am #

    DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT Young dog circling old dog’s dish while she takes her sweet time eating.
    BACK OFF! Your nose should not be two inches from my sandwich whether it is on the coffee table or in my hand.
    NOT YOUR TURN. When one dog is getting to do something and the other has to wait.
    I DON’T THINK SO!

    • Rae Hughes June 14, 2016 at 9:36 pm #

      Oh I so totally use these as well!!!

  25. No Drama June 14, 2016 at 10:44 am #

    Are these negatives as serious as they sound? Maybe I’m in the wrong group? I’m a pretty staunch +R trainer, and my dog minds just fine. Actually, we are often complimented as my dog “is the NICEST HEELER/CATTLE DOG I’ve ever met!” Folks walk all slow, like they’re creeping, “Nah man, just walk normal. He’s not going to nip you.” Unfortunately, we had to socialize him at one. It took me 6 weeks to get him civilized enough to interact with other dogs appropriately and consistently. He doesn’t like everyone, but he MUST be polite! A dismissive growl, is certainly polite, NO STARTING ISH at the park or on walks.

    My greatest hits go something like

    “Get your head straight”- he goes into his crate, grumbles and sighs. Then he comes back out with a different attitude.

    *raised eyebrow* – I know you know what I want. I have opposable thumbs, I win. Double time.

    “You know what you need to be doing” this usually happens at dinner. He was an aggressive beggar when we adopted him at one. He takes himself to his mat and lays down with a groan and a sigh.

    “Where is your face?”- literally, I can’t see his face. Now I’m worried he’s up to no good. He comes running, back feet skipping around corners.

  26. critterclipper June 14, 2016 at 11:24 am #

    EXCUSE ME?! – stop whatever the hell you are doing and take a moment to rethink before proceeding.
    JUST TAKE A PISS -to my female standard poodle that has a hard time differentiating work time on a show lead from “I can’t let you off leash here and this is a retractable that is only used for potty time SO FUCKING POTTY!” time

  27. Kara June 14, 2016 at 12:33 pm #

    Have definitely used “Don’t be a dick” interchangeably with “Don’t be an asshole.”

    Junk-licking usually elicits: “More than three times is playing with it” or “Get your head OUT OF YOUR ASS” (if the junk-licking turns to butt-licking).

    F-bombs are generally avoided, as we have one dog who, for whatever reason, cowers and runs at the word (even when it’s spoken cheerfully–trust me, I’ve tested that); however, I will straight up lob a “WHAT THE *FUCK* ARE YOU DOING” at her if she’s doing something I need her to disengage from, stat, like drinking filthy water/eating raccoon poop that will give her the most explosive diarrhea/expensive vet trip later. (It’s happened. More than once.)

    “Enough” means “So help me god, stop whatever bullshit you’ve started, or I’m cutting your paws off and making you wear them as a necklace.”

    • Carly June 30, 2016 at 8:51 pm #

      I use “Enough” for just about everything generally annoying. Licking, jumping, barking. It’s a multi-purpose command in my house

  28. Faye Bunny June 14, 2016 at 1:54 pm #

    I found myself saying “we do not eat our assholes in the bank” while in line at the bank the other day…probably would have gotten less looks if we had a secret code for that one :p

    • Kara June 14, 2016 at 2:17 pm #

      I can only imagine the looks you would’ve gotten if the asshole-eating turned into scent-gland expression.

      …not that that’s ever happened while I’ve had any of my dogs anywhere. Ahem.

  29. Mountain Poodle June 14, 2016 at 4:59 pm #

    ACT LIKE YOU KNOW SOMETHING! translation…. Get it together. You are a Poodle and this family has standards for appropriate behavior.

    • Diane June 15, 2016 at 1:24 am #

      That’s sort of like my “pretend you’re obedience trained.” Also (pointing to the Utility ring), “why don’t you watch them, you might learn something.”

  30. leahtwitchell June 14, 2016 at 6:29 pm #

    I definitely use “git” as an old school way of saying: get away from me or die. Also, “fuck off” for when the birds are chirping at 4:30 AM and dogs think this is breakfast time.

  31. Alma Geddon June 14, 2016 at 6:46 pm #

    “4 on the floor!” means keep all four paws on the ground
    “last chance saloon” means if I have to repeat myself there’s going to be “Big trouble in little China!”
    “Top shelf!” means jump up on the furniture & give me snuggles

  32. Rae Hughes June 14, 2016 at 9:38 pm #

    “Kill each other QUIETLY!!!” – said to the dogs when they start playing when I am on the phone. All of my colleagues understand that one is just a joke and means “just quieten down!!”

  33. Mountain Poodle June 15, 2016 at 10:41 pm #

    Forgot about: Was machst du!

    Translation…. What in the name of all that is holy do you think you are doing? This usually comes after a seriously sharp NEIN!

    I don’t speak German, but I do think it is the right language for scolding both children and dogs.

  34. Abigail June 17, 2016 at 1:48 pm #

    I have four Aussies who have a tendency to just get really excited and totally lose their shit (They are 7-12 years old but they ARE Aussies, after all). “Shut it!” is quite common along with variants such as “shut your pie holes!” My two youngest still wrestle in the living room wildly enough to move furniture so “Hey! Take it down a notch!” is common along with, “Karma, stop dragging your sister across the living room by the nape of her neck!” They also all really dig licking each other’s ears for some unknown reason (mostly the younger two) so I can’t count the times I say daily, “Flower, quit licking your sister!” or “Karma stop licking your brother.” I then for some reason follow up with the completely pointless “That has never been ok and it never will so just STOP already.” Karma also likes to come over to the couch and press against it, facing away from me wagging that Aussie rear end as hard as she can, hoping I will pet it. This leads to, “Karma, get your ass out of my face please!” And finally my twelve year old, Paisley, is a whiner. A bad, LOUD whiner. I often ask “Paisley, would you like some cheese with your whine?” This of course also brings out the “Shut it!” command, often many times in a row. It seems impossible for Paisley to stop the damn whining once she starts.

  35. Lisa June 20, 2016 at 7:04 pm #

    “Butt, floor, NOW!” = When I say sit your ass down I mean SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.

  36. Mary Hogan June 22, 2016 at 3:14 am #

    “Don’t be a snot nose!” Don’t try to intimidate other dogs because you want to be an ass or I will beat you. I started saying snot nose instead of asshole because there were children present. Snot nose is also used as a term of endearment, because I was using it so much. This probably says a lot about that dog’s behavior early on.
    “No asses allowed on pillows” because. ‘Nuff said. All the animals must obey this rule, cat included.
    “OFF!” – whatever you’re on, near or thinking about getting onto – get the hell off NOW!
    “Box!” Because apparently I never learned the proper names for dog crates or telling my dog to go to her bed. But it does mean to make haste to that wire crate as fast as your fuzzy butt can take you!
    “You are such a special snowflake” – oh dear god, do you have the intelligence God gave a fly? Usually said in a happy voice, because she would crumble at even the mildest reprimand, and then the upset would cause more problems because emotional angst is linked to her GI tract. (Obviously, this is not the same dog as the one who is frequently nicknamed Snot Nose – that one thinks reprimands mean she should hop on my lap and love me to death so that I cheer up… Damnit, she has me figured out.)

  37. Sarah Beaupre June 29, 2016 at 3:55 am #

    “Stop stealing shit!”
    “Why the fuck are you licking that?”
    (He licks everything. Books, table legs, the walls)

  38. Tina Davies July 1, 2016 at 8:50 pm #

    “That’s not how this works now is it?” is my go to command for any time he’s trying to circumvent the rules, I have a Spitz, so this is frequent.

    “Get your face OUT OF THERE” for when he’s trying to steal from someone else’s treat bag.

    “Oh my god LEAVE” is reserved for when he tries to eat sheep shit.

    Also let’s not forget the classic “Er…. can you not?”

  39. Michelle Gasson July 18, 2016 at 12:45 am #

    “All four feet on the floor” don’t even think of cocking a leg on anything within the next vicinity.

  40. Assegai Rhodesian Ridgebacks July 21, 2016 at 3:13 am #

    Voetsek! – South African for Fuck off
    Pillow! – Go lie on your dog bed & stop touching me
    No feet! Stop jumping on me/stop smacking me with your feet (multi purpose command)
    Kennel! Get in the crate, go through the gate into the dog run, get into the car – or get your ass into whatever I’m pointing at…
    THANK YOU! – okay you can stop barking at the mailman, UPS guy, Fedex delivery guy, tenant walking her dog past the driveway, our cat, etc. – save the hysterical barking for an axe murderer…
    You’re not in the kitchen are you?…prompts the dog in question to remove itself over the kitchen threshold
    Go lie down – similar to “Pillow” but dose not require lying on an actual dog bed, just planting oneself prone on a random bit of floor
    That’s NOT a dog spot! – Don’t even think about lying there…
    WE DO NOT EAT THE CAT! – Rather self-explanatory

  41. rontuaru September 7, 2016 at 2:50 pm #

    I’m late to the party, but that’s my norm. I have two frequently used commands. The first is part of everyday conversation around here. The second makes me wonder what the neighbors think.

    “Knock it off!” Used often, for pretty much everything from general asshattery to counter surfing and rabble-rousing.

    “If you make me come out there and get you I’ll break your legs!” Generally said after I’ve said, “Come!” and been given the furry finger.

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