Archive | June, 2016

Dog Commands: Reading Between the Lines

14 Jun

 

We here at The Dog Snobs have impeccably trained dogs. They’re not even dogs, really. Just perfect fuzzy robots. However, when we are walking Rover3D2, we sometimes notice that many times, people use one command when they really mean another.  Or they use one command when they really want to say something else entirely.  It’s craziness, really.  So, in order to help you out (because we are nothing if not helpful), we’ve made a list of what  people  *really* mean when they use certain dog commands as well as some handy-dandy alternatives.  You’re welcome.

 

“Heel”  really means…

“Walk next to me and don’t be a dickbag or I’ll beat you in private like the civilized people!”

 

“Look at me” really means…

“Stop staring at the drunk man dancing a jig. It’s awkward for all of us.”

 

“Leave it”  really means…

“Goddamnit, if you eat that tikka masala I dropped on the floor we’ll both suffer.”

 

“Drop it” really means…

“Let go or I swear to god I’ll cut your head off and then who will have the toy?”

 

“Come” really means….

“Keep running and see who gets to have dinner tonight.”

 

“Wait” really means…

“Move and die”

 

“Off” really means…

“If you push me down the stairs, I’ll break your kneecaps.”

 

“Lie Down” really means…

“Please just stop dicking around for five seconds.”

 

“Be nice” really means…

Nevermind. We don’t say that. This is for bad people.

 

If the above commands are a little too mainstream for you, may we also suggest these alternative commands:

 

“Don’t be a dick” 

“Really, stop being a dick and behave for 5 seconds so I don’t send you to Cincinnati to replace that Gorilla.”

 

“Get off my grill”  

“Get off that, I haven’t paid you off yet.”  

 

“Get out of there” 

“Get out of the cat box filled with delicious kitty truffles.”

 

“Don’t touch me” 

“You ate/rolled in something nasty, so no, I do not want your kisses.”  

 

“On your own time!”

“Will you PLEASE stop licking your junk next to me on the couch?”

 

“Seriously?” really means…

“Don’t even think about doing that dickbag thing you are about to do.”

 

“Calm the fuck down”

“Stop flinging yourself in the air, you freak.”

 

**Did we miss anything?  What favorite commands do you use?  Which commands would make your neighbors blush?  Share below!**

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