Archive | July, 2015

WTF Wednesday: Click and Treat

30 Jul

 

 

 

 

Bling bling

Ta daaaaaaa

Fierce

 

Don’t get us wrong, we like sparkles as much as the next girl, but on a clicker, really?  Isn’t the whole idea of clickers is that they supposed to be easy to hold and use?  Pretty sure bedazzling the crap out of it doesn’t make it any more practical.  It does, however, make you look like a Toddlers & Tiaras reject, which is saying a lot since we all know the quality of those klassy (yes, with a K) individuals on the show.
Plus, if you’re like us, you lose clickers faster than you can buy them.   Losing one you paid $60 for (seriously, that is the going rate on Etsy) is a lot more painful than losing a handful of free ones you picked up at various shows, seminars, etc.

So, would you pay $60 for one of these babies?

 

No Cookie for You: You don’t get a medal for failing

23 Jul

So we’re going to tell you a story.

Yes, yes it is.

Once upon a time there was a rescue puppy. A well-meaning rescuer adopted said puppy and from the beginning there were problems. Nearly a decade, multiple attacks on adults, children and other dogs and a total lack of any successfully incorporated management later, and he was euthanized after attacking an octogenarian. But don’t worry because the rescuer saved him from himself. The, incredibly sanctimonious, end.

After hearing this story our heads just explodes into what we can only describe as rage confetti. In the near decade this person had “tried everything” but he was great at home so…

What the Actual Fuck?

The most irritating part of any of this isn’t even that the dog was so amazingly mismanaged that he had to be put down, it’s that he wasn’t put down sooner. We here at TDS are big believers in the realities of rescues;  you cannot and 100% should not save them all. However, if you make the decision to save one of these dogs ( who in most other circumstances should be put down), you are committing to a literal lifetime of management–not shitty half-assed management, but real, rigorous, consistent and safe handling of a dog who is a risk to everyone around them.

This is the kind of management that sucks. It’s inconvenient. It’s restrictive in the extreme. It means that you can’t just do what you want with your dog when you want to and barriers and precautions for safety are always at the forefront. It means muzzles, cancelled vacations, and a kennel run, and signage and crating and walking at non-busy times. It means, yes Virginia, there is the all important quality of life question. He bit multiple people through a muzzle? That’s quite a trick. He chased people down the driveway? That’s mighty hard to do in a crate inside the house. That quality of life was not even an issue until this far along tells us that whatever bullshit management was in place was not enough and clearly not well executed. We know people with extremely unstable dogs and their management regimes are unreal and well-beyond what most households should or can undertake. Their primary concerns are safety followed shortly thereafter by well-being. When the two can no longer be balanced, they do the right thing. A freak-accident in their carefully managed home turns into a nightmare. They are heartbroken, and rightfully so, when they must do the right thing for them. No one else was ever in danger of their dog since their vigilance with strangers never faltered but unstable is unstable. Even with restrictions in place, a single error and you can’t go back to how it was before.

So here’s some real talk. You don’t get a medal for failing (unless you are involved in youth sports or science fairs). You don’t get cookies or head-pats for consistently and thoroughly putting others at risk because he didn’t chew shit in your house and was sweet at home (You know other than the raging instability and bite history ). Multiple bites on multiple people is not okay. Poor management of a dog with multiple bites on multiple people is unacceptable on every single level. You failed every person and dog that was bitten after the first time with poor management which should have been a clue after the second, third, hell even fourth bites. We’re  truly sorry that you are sad and blaming yourself, but before you attempt to rescue yet another sad-sack rescue nightmare, take these words into consideration.

Saving the unsaveable doesn’t earn you extra points. There is no special place in heaven for people who keep dogs who attack children (and if there is we don’t think it’s the nice kind of special) and you’re not getting any kind of extra karmic bump for being inconvenienced by proper management. Keeping a truly dangerous dog alive is a selfish choice in 100% of all situations but it doesn’t have to be a bad choice if it’s done well.

So we guess what we’re saying is this: If you’re going to be selfish. do it right. If you can’t or won’t do it right, then you don’t need to have that dog and more importantly, that dog doesn’t need you.  Are you willing to put your life on hold for one dog who will likely never be safe in everyday situations? Are you willing to dramatically alter every interaction you could ever expose this dog to? Are you willing to spend years hunting for work-arounds, long-term behavior management techniques, trainers and behaviorists with a clue and the money that flows out of your wallet with each new attempt and in many cases failure? It is a hard choice and making that choice “to save” or not is heartbreaking, but ultimately it comes down to reality. If there is no safety net (Your dog’s breeder or rescue; Do not cut them out of any temperament-related decisions. It’s info they need to have)  it is up to you, your dog’s advocate to make the hard choice.

The End.

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

19 Jul

We’ve been slacking on Sex Toy or Dog Toy shenanigans, we know.  We would like to report that it’s because we’ve been getting so much action in our personal lives that we needn’t write about such schlock, but sadly, that isn’t the case.  So, here we are, back to writing about things that require us to clear our internet search history on the regular.   So minions, which one is ribbed for your pleasure and which is ribbed for Fido’s pleasure?

 

A)29564-3

B)Rubber-resistant-to-bite-pet-toys-font-b-dog-b-font-font-b-teeth-b-font

 

We want you think LONG and HARD about this one.  See what we did there?  No?  Think harder. And longer…and..ok.  We’re done.  You missed Saturdays, didn’t you?

 

So….

 

Option B, despite having some rather suspicious looking nubbins’ is the dog toy (puppy teething rings), while Option A is a lovely set of cock rings.   Both are dishwasher safe (just say no to sex toys next to coffee mugs) and sturdy, so you just know there is some sicko out there using them for dual purposes.  If it’s one of you, dear readers, we really don’t want to know about it.

GoFundYourself: Moving, Rednecks, and other updates in the life of Fang.

13 Jul

I Fang, have been a busy bee (No relation) in the somewhat expected but still rather sudden process of moving. That’s right underlings, I am leaving the elderly phallic shit-show that is The Sunshine State and departing for blue-green pastures to the north. While I’ve been playing an elaborate game of “Maybe Potnoodle and BusyBee will just pretend I contributed to something” it’s gotten a little silent and a little awkward so this is my contribution for the next month or so while I pretend to pack things while playing an alarming amount of Tetris. It is of course a list of things that are irritating me at this exact second. You’re welcome.

Not really, Florida. I know you try, you just fail so often it’s painful.

  1. Is it just me or has everyone lost their mind? Perhaps it was just that weird little bit of niggly earwax that constituted some degree of self-respect that was picked out sometime between some moron buying some sad sack parvo puppy off Craigslist for the low price of $7000, and then proceeding to hold the rest of us emotionally hostage as they hit us up for hundreds of dollars to fund this astoundingly poor life decision. I get it, I do, shit happens, emergency funds are very easy to deplete and sometimes life just sucks. There is however a fine line between “Oh how sad” and “God, what now?”.Despite theories to the contrary I’m not actually fully heartless. I don’t begrudge genuine emergencies, charities, or fundraisers for legitimately good causes. Hell, last year I was on a team rally (I’ve still got glitter in places I don’t want to think about) that used a similar site for an amazing cause and managed to contribute a fantastic amount of money. But here’s the gist guys–I’m not going to contribute to your 30k fund for your special service dog who is being imported as a puppy from some far off ‘-istan’ and he’s the only dog who could ever do the job ever. I’m also not going to contribute to your 20 year old dog’s CCL repair, your new $300 training vest, a crash-tested crate for your snookums or my personal favorite, a puppy for the kids because they can’t afford to buy one.
    I am by no means the arbiter of sound financial judgment, but I am cheap and pretty good at differentiating a need from a want. While I think many of these sites were set up with the former in mind, they’re increasingly directed towards the latter. To those funds I do in fact say, Go Fund Yourself.

    When your life plan matches a joke on South Park, you should probably reconsider your options.

  2. Stupid people annoy me. Willfully stupid people make me want to smash things. While I was closing up at work I took T-beast, who has turned into a bit of a frisbee-phile, out while I shut off ponds, etc. There was one other dog in the entire park and while I’d previously found this dog annoying, it was a hot and low-key evening, so I wasn’t anticipating any difficulty. I was amazingly wrong. This dog who we will call Doltface proceeded to harass, chase, posture over and otherwise ignore the amazing restraint shown by T-beast in her judicious corrections. Doltface’s owner, who we can just call TheAmazingDolt, yelled “Come! Come to me, damn it! Come! Get over here!” repeatedly while never actually bothering to stand up or put down her magazine. An inability to keep my mouth shut led to this charming exchange:“You realize that by not actually getting up and resolving the issue he’s learning he doesn’t have to listen to you at all, right?”
    “What?”
    “You’re teaching him that blowing you off is totally fine.”
    “He knows it! He’s supposed to come.”Amazingly, my mouth remained shut about other things that are supposed to happen, especially in regard to natural selection, but here’s the point. Supposedly this woman knows what she’s doing as she tells us all in great detail. Given how much yelling, puffing, and lecturing him on his badness that she does, one would think the reality would dawn on her but the rose-color glasses are GorillaGlass trifocals apparently. Supposed to and does are in fact different things. Who knew?

    Oh dear god.

  3. Moving is a shit-ton more difficult with dogs. I typically have four dogs in my house in an elaborate social strata that requires arrows and graphs to explain in detail. That is magnified in my car where space is a premium and the Malinois is perpetually a projectile. Have you ever attempted to fit four dogs in a hatchback with 8 crates? I can say from experience that this is impossible. While all of my dogs are fine together in short bursts, something about the car brings out everyone’s bitchtasticness and by middle-Georgia we’re all just about done with the horse-shit. So I discovered on my most recent northerly adventure that three crates, a grooming table and four dogs was the upper limit of my little Subaru’s attitude hauling capability. Relying on the pity of friends, however, has paid off and the Malinois is hanging out with the mottled scorpion-dragon and her co-owner up north while I stuff the others into progressively smaller spaces. Eventually I should have a cattle dog themed jack in the box. If you would like to fund my new vehicle, my move or other shit I want but don’t feel like working for feel free to message us.

    And by that I mean I'm incredibly expensive

    And by that I mean I’m incredibly expensive

  4. Speaking of Funding-oneself, what the fuck is with these sad-sack impossible cases where everyone is supposed to put their life on hold to fund a legless, stomach-less, bowel-less, face-less lumps of flesh but sweet puppy and we have to save it! There was a new one I saw today with a severely deformed English Bulldog swimmer puppy (Who has not recovered) with amputated rear limbs, no functional pelvis and a spinal deformity… like really? What kind of quality of life are you looking at there? I’m glad that you love… well whatever that is, but let’s check our own feelings at the door a bit here. There is a point where your love is making the situation worse, not better and the reality of the situation needs to be examined.

    I cry my sad tears into a river of Shut the Fuck Up.

  5. We had a fire at work. No one died, or was injured and nothing was even destroyed but we have no A/C until the repair guy gets here (Which is who knows when), and then the big *if* he can actually fix it. This is Florida in July; Hot is an understatement.

    So yeah, it’s really hot

  6. On a non-dog related note, there was a big rally this weekend not far from my home… a big redneck rally for redneck pride over a redneck flag for redneck reasons that somehow seem worthwhile to said rednecks. (Really Evan, your parents are from Rhode Island) This interrupted my commute for Indian food. Not amused, rednecks. Not amused. In all seriousness though, is the fact that the flag is offensive news to people? I was pretty sure we all knew that already, like how the sky is blue or that sinkholes are bad. You can’t throw up a swastika wielding garden gnome and say you’re embracing this symbol of good luck from your Eurasian ancestors without being considered an asshole. I’m all for pointing out the obvious (Just ask my friends) but in this case I’m a little annoyed by the distraction of it all. The flag, while an issue, does not actually address any of the problems, circumstances or entitlements that allow for these tragedies to happen time after time. It’s all depressing and tragic and it never changes. What’s wrong with us?

    Just when I’m selling the damn house.

  7. Lastly, if you think a young adult high energy herding breed is “just going through a phase” when it gets ten minutes of play training a day and trashing all your shit out of boredom but crating is mean and you didn’t get a dog to crate it and it’ll be fine haters!… just get the fuck out. Just go. Go. Shoo. Away with thee. Except before you do, tell me where you’re going to hang out your newly minted “professional trainer” shingle, so I can move there and fix all the shit you fuck up beyond all reason for profit and let’s be honest… funsies.

    Preach.

I could go on, but that’s all I’ve got for you today kids. Hopefully I’ll be back to our regularly scheduled bitchery sooner rather than later but until then, happy trails and happier tails.

WTF Wednesday

9 Jul

This dog gets it

Whatever happened to washing your dog the old-fashioned way?  Do we really need more contraptions?   Here are a few observations about the Woof Washer 360:

 

  1. There is no water pressure.  Are we really to believe it would get your dog clean?
  2. What if the dog doesn’t feel like playing circus and jumping through hoops? Then what?
  3. Does anyone else envision a dog revolting by taking off running with the woof washer still attached and causing mayhem?
  4. The idea of simple water and soap washing all the filth our dogs venture in without any scrubbing is laughable. Do you just let it hang on your dog while you scrub? Or do you have to wrestle them back through the hoop?
  5. Potnoodle’s cattle dog (and many other dogs,  we’re sure) would find nothing more fun than completely destroying this in an attempt to murder the water demons.

In summation,  we can’t think of a less practical way to wash your dog.  If you’re incapable of handling your dog to bathe it,  it’s unlikely you can run it through this contraption.  We suggest a groomer.