As you may or may not have noticed… The Dog Snobs have a mission. You my think our mission is to enlighten the idiots with dogs among us but that’s only a byproduct of our true goal. Our Goal to take over the world.
You’d better not.
Ahem. Now that we’ve got the evil laugh out of the way, we’re here to tell you of our what we plan to change when we rule the earth.
1. No More Flexis.
“But but but, Dog Snobs!” you say, “We use that for pottying/biking/jumprope with school children” and to that we say “Fuck that.” Use a long line, use a bike attachment, use and actual jump rope. The stupidity of the many outweighs the legitimacy of the few in Dog Snobtopia (We’re still working on the name. Suggestions will be considered.) Sorry. Encourage the human race to be less stupid and maybe one day we will reintroduce them.
If reintroduced, we will be equipping them with bells, so you can be warned of assholes approaching.
2. People will be required to take an ‘asshole’ test before owning a dog
Why not a general dog knowledge test, you ask? Dog knowledge can be learned. Asshole is forever. People falling in the bottom quartile…make that 50% (shut up, BusyBee likes statistics. This shit makes her inner control freak and stats geek very happy) will be deemed “supreme assholes”, given a scarlet A, and told to never own a dog again.
B is for Batrachophobia. Kermit is Fucked.
3. Child/Dog homes will be monitored and screened.
Don’t whine, you’ll be lucky if we let you have kids at all. That’s right, before you take your precious bundle of vomit and shit home, we’ll be asking if you have a dog. Do you? Mandatory training classes. The world has proved time and time again that most parents can’t handle the combo of kids and dogs. We’re here to fix that. Less dog bites, less dogs given up to shelters and this way little Susie’s first plastic surgery will be thanks to Dad’s giant honking nose and not Rover’s annoyance with her pulling his hair.
Probably a better handler than you.
4. Vigilante Poo Crews
You don’t want to clean up after your dog? That’s cool. Our highly trained fleet of poo police will take care of the mess for you. And by take care of, we mean find new and creative ways to use your dog’s poop against you. Think airborne shit bombs, hiding it in places that you will never find but can always smell, and the old classic “burning bags of shit on your front porch”. Members of the VPC will be ruthless, stealthy, and misanthropic–a trio of traits that make them uniquely qualified to ruin your day.
Fear the Flames
5. Dog Matchmaking Services
Think you’re ready to contain that Husky or ready to keep that Border Collie sufficiently stimulated? We’ll see about that. Trained matchmakers (i.e. people who don’t have their heads up their asses) will help you find the appropriate dog for you. Seem a little Big Brother to you? You’ll thank us later when your dog hasn’t literally dragged you down the street face-first or eaten your entire couch. Things like ‘readiness and willingness to learn and train’ will be considered in selections as will prior dog experience, available time and energy, and scores on the asshole test mentioned above. Be warned though, our matchmakers also won’t be afraid to match you with a stuffed dog if that’s what the situation calls for.
After much consideration, we have found you an appropriate companion. We named him Stuart. We don’t trust your naming capabilities.
6. Truthiness Scoring on internet gathering places
So you’re less of an asshole than 50% of the population? Congrats, in good schools that’s still an F. In the spirit of a failing education system, you’re not safe yet.You know that person who always has some derogatory comment on how your solutions won’t work, what “they did” that did and a whole dictionary of jargon to muddle their points even further? How they give advice ranging from benignly helpful to the downright dangerous? You know how you really just want to call shenanigans on all their bullshit spewing? Well, rest assured we’ve found a way. In what can only be described as the Thunderdome of Pissiness, if you managed to piss off enough people, they can vote you into the Thunderdome. Judges of Truthiness (i.e. Us) will rate you on things like “Yeah that didn’t happen” and “Your word vomit is obtuse and lie-filled” each receiving a score between 0 and 5, with 0 being “People be playa hatin’ yo” and 5 just being the sound of maniacal laughter as we laugh uproariously. Anyone scoring an average of 3 or greater will have a flashing neon blinkie under their posts with a teeny troll doing cartwheels (3), Back Handsprings (4) or pleasuring itself with a Safe-Stix (5). We round up. If you continue to offend at level 5 and we’re just not convinced you’re funny anymore your IP address is banished to the Hinterlands, where the people with multiple internet personas argue with themselves while a MIDI version of “Talk Dirty” plays in the background.
Just because you’re the victor, doesn’t mean we like you.
7. Human Shaming
We’ve all seen the cutesy dog-shaming pictures online, but really, it would be more a public service if neighbors were aware of the assholes in their midst. Therefore, people who fail to be decent dog owners (routinely have dogs off-leash in non-designated areas, make it on to the VPC Most Wanted List, losers of the Thunderdome of Pissiness, and those who generally blame their dogs for their own negligence and assholeness) will be compiled into lists based on region and displayed in two ways. First, the names and photos of these violators will be flashed upon your screen between breaks of your favorite prime time comedies (Remember John TV? It’s like that…but without the whole prostitution thing). Next, similar to “most wanted” pictures of the wild west, pictures of the most shameful dog owners in your neighborhood will be posted visibly in places like pet stores, coffee shops, and dog parks. We believe that everyone has the right to know which of their neighbors are the most likely to piss them off so that you can either avoid them like mature adults (pshhh what fun is that?!) or prepare an epic verbal lashing in case you should encounter them.
You also have our permission to fart in their general direction
8. Leash Laws will be enforced through Medieval-styled shaming and modest torture.
Pretty self explanatory. If it says you need a leash, put it on a leash. Flogging, the pillory, the lash and day long fire and brimstone masses in Latin and four flexis attached to ball-crazy labradors on flexis tied to your sensitive pieces may be applied at random.
A four hour treatise on the polar bear on the wrapper. Who don’t the rules apply to again?
9. Bragging about your dog will be strictly monitored.
Braggarts are annoying, most especially when they have nothing interesting or impressive to brag about. If your dog actually does X, Y, and Z, put your Truthiness score on the line. Shitty unimpressive youtube “stays” where your dog breaks as you hastily add a release as they are moving away from you into the sunset do not count as braggable, nor do things you’ve purchased, plan on purchasing, how your dog was so much better than everyone else’s etc. And if you’re going to trash someone? You’d better have some pretty impressive counter-skills (And we don’t mean your ability to find a youtube video showing someone else doing it) to back it up, or you get demoted and eventually banished to the land of endless pop music beeping.
In our version the yellow block is a plastic bag and it’s over your head.
10. Food Bragging is also annoying and punishable.
Beneful and Alpo will be removed from store shelves in what can only be described as a looting and burning rampage, but beyond that, feed at will. While we’re thrilled you feed your dog organic yogurt, that’s very wonderful and talented of you, no one cares, and frankly it isn’t any of your business what a stranger in Scranton feeds their dog. Focus on your own dog and his diet, mmmkay? First offenses will be dealt with in sarcasm, involving blackberry coulis, pink salt, truffle oil, and cheese made from the milk of our imported Russian yak named Svetlana. Second offenses will be dealt with as in change #9.
She also thinks those skinny jeans are stupid.
11. Tiaras are totally appropriate casual wear
It’s a thing now. Get over it.
Tiaras are always worth it.
Our reign as benevolent tiara-ed dictators will be long and prosperous. Snob on, minions.