What says “I have extreme devotion to a sports team of a college I didn’t even attend” like purchasing a living breathing embodiment of that team? No, we’re not talking about that weird guy that makes his kid dress up like a pirate on game day (though we have a lot of judgement for him too…) We’re talking about the morons that buy a dog breed just because their favorite sports team is represented by one. The Mascot Moron (MM) has attained a dog solely because they think it would be the ultimate show of school spirit…and stuff. Things like temperament, exercise needs, and so on are rarely, if at all, considered when a MM decides to get a dog.
College campuses and cities across the U.S. The closer to a major sports team you are, the more MMs you are likely to run into.
Most commonly Bulldogs or Huskies although other teams do have dog mascots. That being said, we highly doubt that entire college towns are being overrun with Salukis (we’re looking at you Southern Illinois University Carbondale).
Low. So very, very low. Having done no other research than googling “cool names for a Husky”, the MM is woefully unprepared for the dog they end up with.
“College was the best time of my life”, “Dude, did you see the game?”, “Do you think we can teach Gumbo to do a touchdown dance?”
Anything with university logos, flip-flops year-round regardless of climate, full body paint at football games. Their dogs are also easily spotted by the jerseys and collar leash sets to match their chosen team.
If I had a dollar for every clueless idiot I saw being dragged around by a Husky in my city…I could afford to send my future child to a private college. Scratch that. I could buy like 1,000 Paco Collars. Anyway, living in a city where everyone and their hapless mother owns a Husky because they want to show their school spirit has definitely been interesting, because you know, Huskies are such easy dogs. While there are many qualified Husky owners in my area, chances are that if one is owned by someone under 30, is accessorized in college logo gear, and has a name similar to or the same as the actual university mascot or any of the last 5 incarnations, they’re a MM. These are generally the people you want to avoid as they literally have done nothing with their dog other than training it to bark to the school fight song (arooooooooo). These are also the same people who can’t seem to figure out why their dog ate their limited edition throwback jersey after being left alone all day or why it scaled their four foot fence and chased a cat while being shut outside during the fantasy football draft.
I also live in a college town. Thankfully, not a dog mascot. Our mascot is the Gamecock, and while there’s plenty of irresponsible cock ownership going around… that’s not what I’m here to complain about. Nay, friends, I’m here to complain about my neighbours.The Georgians and their beloved UGA. Ah, Uga. That wrinkly face, those stubby legs, that inability to breathe so hindered by humid southern air. You know what’s slightly less of a downer than your favorite team losing the game? Your dog having a heatstroke at the tailgating party. No worries, you can just replace your beloved Uga… that’s what they do with the real mascot anyway! In fact, Uga VII and Uga VIII both lived only one year before keeling over, being buried in the stadium and then promptly replaced by another monstrosity from the same lines because if there’s one thing that the south loves more than football… it’s keeping it in the family. *
*I’m allowed to make incest jokes. I live here.
Anyone want to admit to being a Mascot Moron? Want to throw a family member under the bus and identify them as a MM? Going to have Saluki-filled nightmares? Share below!