Alright, real talk. What we spend on our dogs yearly is probably enough to feed like twenty starving kids in a third world country. Now is not the time of year to be ashamed of that though. What time of year is it, you ask? It’s time to spend ridiculous amounts of money on your pet for a holiday your pet probably refers to as “That time of year where I get yelled at for making pee eyes at the tree in our living room”. In honor of this mass marketed holiday, we’re going to do a series on Shit The Dog Snobs Love, starting with today’s on Treats and Toys. We also understand that sometimes you’re broke, so we’re going to divide this in three categories: Cheap, Less Cheap, and Super Duper Not Cheap.
Okay, stay with us on this one. Yeah, you can buy them at Walmart and the ingredients are sort of sketchy,, but your dog will murder you and leave your body in a dark alley for a bite. We promise. Plus, they’re easy to break up and you can get a solid training session out of one stick.
Kong Tennis Balls
That glowing green ball seen above is the best ninety nine cents you will ever spend on your dog, if they have any sort of toy drive. We aren’t saying you won’t want to kill the dog when they find it at midnight and decide to start a squeaker solo, we’re just saying if you want your dog to love you, you probably need to buy one.
What do cranky toddlers and most dogs have in common? If you said a freakish love of cheerios and unpredictable vomit habits… you’d be right. Potnoodle doesn’t like to think about vomit so we’re going to stick to the cheerios part of that comparison. Seriously, we know they’re grains but live a little, your dog will appreciate it (unless your dog is a giant nerd like Mr. T and breaks out in hives at the mere mention of things he is allergic to. He’s getting a pocket protector for Christmas.) Plus they’re like…. a half a calorie per treat. That shit matters when you’re doing a lot of training.
We love skineez. Specifically, we love tying them to the end of a flirt pole and making our dogs run around like idiots. It’s either that or Toddlers and Tiaras, and T&T isn’t on every day (hear that TLC? Consider it a formal request). The Skineez are perfect for flirt poles because they look like a squirrel, there’s no mess when your dog finally catches the lure, and they’re easy to tie off. Plus, for under seven bucks you don’t mind so much when they finally bite the dust.
***The Less Cheap***
They fly! They float! They chuck! What’s not to love about Chuckit brand. Potnoodle’s boy poodle says that there is nothing not to love. Potnoodle herself wishes that he wasn’t such an addict because she could have bought a newer car with all the money she has invested in to chuckit. Recently, while visiting an upscale pet store Potnoodle was guilted into buying the indoor style toy, partially by her poodle and partially by the employee that played fetch with her poodle the entire time she was there. Still, at ten to fifteen dollars a toy, there are worse toys he could be addicted to. Any chuckit affiliates reading can consider this an official plea for a Chuckit sponsorship. Either in the AA sense of the word or the one where new Chuckit items show up on our doorstep every week.
Zuke’s is an awesome company with awesome treats. They’re made in the USA from a company that has never had a recall. They make one thing (treats) and they make them well. Most varieties are grain free and dogs usually go bonkers for them. Plus, they break up easily and the mini naturals are already conveniently sized. They’re more expensive than Bil-jac or Pupperoni but the people you train with won’t judge you for having them and sometimes that’s worth the extra three dollars.
Bully Sticks:There’s nothing the Dog Snobs love more than a good penis joke. Seriously, are you new here? Check every Sex Toy Saturday post ever. If we’re being honest, 95% of the reason we buy bully sticks is because we can snicker when the dog goes to town on it. The other 4.5% is because dogs love them (That last .5% is our inner radical feminist that enjoys seeing dogs chew on dicks. Don’t judge us). Reasoning aside, it can’t be argued that dogs don’t love bully sticks. They can be a bit pricey, especially if you have a larger dog that likes to inhale them, but they’re one of the only safe fully consumable chews out there. So stop being a prude and buy one.
JW Brand Toys
Besides being featured several times in our “Sex Toy or Dog Toy” posts, JW toys come in all shapes and sizes (wait, are we still talking about dog toys?) and most make some sort of sound your dogs will love and you will hate. Most dog owners will recognize the “Cuz” toys they make ( you know, the bulbous things with feet that dogs love to chew off), but their squeaky footballs are also a staple in both BusyBee and Potnoodle’s homes.
Need some entertainment on a cold Friday night? Grab some libations (we prefer vodka), give your dog a Jolly Egg, and sit back and enjoy. Because of it’s egg shape and hard plastic material, your dog won’t be able to put their paws or teeth on it long enough to destroy it, but it will provide enough entertainment to keep them interested. Even biggest mouthed dogs can’t quite figure out how to keep a grip on this bad boy, so watching them chase, pounce, bite, and bat at it just to have it slip away awkwardly will provide hours of entertainment for you and plenty of stimulation for your dog.
***The Super Duper Not Cheap***
Tuffy Brand Toys:
Full-price, these bad boys can run you up to $50 for the largest creatures. But if you have a dog who is convinced that stuffies are solely for disemboweling, the investment is well worth it. Whereas a regular stuffed dog toy might last about 10 seconds with your most aggressive shredders, the Tuffy toys can last for weeks or months at at time. The key is to avoid the ones with smaller tentacles or appendages as those seem to vulnerable to destruction. If you stick with the big chunky ones, most dogs will have to put up a pretty good fight to make any progress. (Note: BusyBee just came from her local pet store store where they just got in the new “Jungle Line” including panthers, giraffes, and elephants. Somehow she managed to come home without all three).
Orijen Single Source Freeze Dried Dog Treats
Whereas 26 oz of Pupperoni will cost about $15, plan on only getting about 3.5oz of Orijen treats for the same price. But if you have dogs who have allergies, finding single source protein treats with no added ingredients can be daunting. Even if your dog doesn’t have allergies, Orijen offers a variety of proteins and most dogs just seem to love them. Just don’t add up how much you spend on them in a single month. Or compare them to your own grocery bill.
Primal Brand Dog Treats
An entire bag weighs less than a #2 pencil and will cost you $10. We get it, they’re “puffs”, but we’re pretty sure we’re paying mostly for the air, since only about ¼ of the bag is actually full of treats. But lord help us, our dogs love them on the rare occasions we decide to sell our souls and pick up a bag.
Nina Ottosson Puzzles
We’re not bragging or anything but… The Dog Snob’s Dogs are pretty smart. And by smart, we mean they have to be entertained or they get obnoxious. Potnoodle’s poodles in particular are fond of the Nina Ottosson line of toys. (Mr. T likes them for about 2 minutes until he realizes that he can pick it up, slam it on the ground, and get all the treats at once. The Hulk smash is both devious and effective). They are a bit pricey, especially if you have a very clever dog that needs the wooden ones, but it’s like watching your dog on a trip to Vegas. The entertainment value alone is pretty high.
Is your dog getting any of these things for the Holidays? Any must have treats or toys we missed? Let us know in the comments!