Owner Profile: The Distracted Dingbat

3 Dec

Description:  The female counterpart of the Abercrombie & Bitch Bro, the Distracted Dingbat (DD) is more about looking good with their dog than actually doing anything productive with them.  The DD obtained a dog because she thought it would be “fun” or was the thing to do while in their early 20s. The typical DD is a young (usually attractive) woman who can frequently be found sitting on the park bench at the dog park, playing with her cell phones  and checking her caked-on makeup using her iPhone camera.  The DD can spend impressive amounts of time trapped in her own self-focused universe, because heaven forbid she interact with any other humans at the park, let alone her own dog.  Whether Facebooking, Instragam-ing, or just sending snarky texts to her friends, the DD’s focus is always everywhere but her own dog.  As such, she is woefully oblivious to anything going on around her and is the ire of other dog owners who inevitably have to clean up (both literally and figuratively) the mess the DD and her dog leave behind.

Possibly the only way for a dog to get a DD’s attention

Common Locations:  The dog park, where she somehow manages to unleash her dog without ever removing her phone from her ear.  Sitting in front of coffee shops with dog tethered to table and cell phone firmly in hand.  Driving with her dog in the passenger seat while rocking out to Maroon 5.

You’re welcome

 

Breeds Owned:  Small-to-medium sized “designer” breeds like Puggles, Schnoodles, Frostons, Chiweenies, and Pom-a-poos.

Meet the latest in designer breeds, the Whizzerhunde Pequeno

Skill Level: Low.  The DD may love her snookums, but the only actual training she’s done is getting her dog used to be tied outside of Starbucks while she runs in for her skinny extra-hot soy double-pump chai latte.

Are you sure that was non-fat?

 

 

Catch Phrases: “Oh, Cupcake pooped?  I didn’t see, sorry!”, “Hold on, can I call you back?  My dog is humping someone’s leg”, “Can I get a collar to match my Vera Bradley pattern?”

Truth

 

Wardrobe:  The DD generally looks like a walking Lululemon ad, adorned in yoga pants, cute track jackets, and colorful sneakers.  Although at first glance it might look like she just rolled out of bed, the DD has in fact spent quite a bit of time perfecting the “supermodel going out for froyo” look.

I see London, I see France, I see through your Lululemon pants

 

Anecdotal Evidence:

BusyBee:

I frequently see a classic DD “walking” her dog in my neighborhood, which generally consists of her gossiping on her cell phone (“Oh. Em. Gee.  Can you believe that heifer said that?  I die.”) while her dog cavorts on the end of the flexi-leash.  I’ve literally seen them take five minutes to go 500 yards because the girl is so wrapped up in her phone that making any sort of forward progress is next to impossible.   This is also the same girl whose dog I once had to free outside of the local coffee shop when I walked by and saw him completely upside down and hog-tied by the flexi-leash he had been tied out on.  When she saw me trying to untangle her dog, she came running out and was SHOCKED that her pookiebear had managed to get himself into a pickle.  After her dog was freed, I nicely mentioned that *if* she was going to tie out her dog on a flexi-lead, she should at least make sure it was locked with little-to-no slack so that the dog couldn’t get itself into too much trouble.  She looked confused by this comment, thanked me, and then proceeded to re-tie her dog out so she could go inside and finish her triple mochaccino with her bestie.

 

Potnoodle:

I mentioned this on the last owner profile but it’s relevant so I’m mentioning it again… I’m in college so basically all the dog owners that surround me on a day to day basis are Abercrombie and Bitch Bros and Distracted Dingbats. I encounter idiots with yorkies named Preston or pomeranians named Prada on my daily walks. The most irritating of the DDs owns a Pekingnese named Winifred. Winifred is regularly seen tucked in to her DD owner’s purse or lunging at the end of a flexi lead while her owner laughs at how cute she is. On one of our more memorable encounters, the dog came dashing at my dogs but I was told not to worry (after the DD got off her phone) because “her mouth is too small to do any damage”…

 

I don’t know what she was thinking, that thing could snag a chunk out of my ankle with the underbite alone.

I don’t know what she was thinking, that thing could snag a chunk out of my ankle with the underbite alone.

 

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11 Responses to “Owner Profile: The Distracted Dingbat”

  1. Montréalaise December 3, 2013 at 2:55 am #

    I recently came across a DD at my local dog park. She was exactly as you describe the type (right down to the chi-chi yoga apparel) with one exception – her dog wasn’t a little designer dog, but a Doberman! That’s right, a big, black Doberman. She came into the dog park with her cell phone glued to her ear, and spent the whole time yakking away. When she went to her car to get something, her dog followed her and ran out into the street, where he was nearly hit by a car. Even then, she never put her phone down! Just called the dog, came back into the park – all the while, still yakking away on her cell.

  2. Ann Thacher December 3, 2013 at 3:01 am #

    I have one of those in my neighborhood! I cannot convince the idiot that her pookums is in mortal danger when she lunges at my Greyhound. I have firmly told her that my dog will be doing the damage, as in picking hers up, giving one shake and spitting out her dead dog. That information didn’t seem to sink in, probably because she never got off the phone. I have no idea what type of designer dog it is, but I feel sad because it has to be owned by an idiot with a flexi who wants to be one of those vapid celebrities.
    Did I mention I adore you all? If not, consider it done.

    • Angela December 3, 2013 at 6:17 am #

      OMG. You’re a better person than I. I would probably yank the phone out of her hand and throw it into traffic while giving her a piece of my mind.

      • Ann December 4, 2013 at 4:40 pm #

        I would love to, in fact I dream of it often. But I have to keep my dog from killing hers instead. Greyhounds are amazingly fast and all my concentration is on my dog. I do scream at her, but screaming at a brick wall would be as productive, if not more!

    • AD January 13, 2015 at 3:37 pm #

      yep, give her dog a good kick and then say “your welcome for saving your dogs life”, and/or carry a small stun gun around to scare her dog (and the owner), dog owners really get the message when you whip out a stun gun. My neighbors did, they no longer allow their dogs outside to run across the street to my dog who can possibly kill them.

  3. Angela December 3, 2013 at 6:14 am #

    What the hell is a Froston? Or a Lululemon? *brain explodes*

    That bitch’s dog wouldn’t do any harm to my dog because I would kick it like a fucking football as it went for my dogs! GRRR! I hate bad owners!! 😦

  4. Dayna Dawn Small (AKA Dayna Barter) December 3, 2013 at 1:40 pm #

    Another great post, but that photoshopped pequeno monstrosity is creepy as fuck and will now be haunting me for years in my nightmares. So, thanks for that. I’ll just be over here, cowering under my blankie, wetting myself. 😉

    • CrazyFunDogs December 5, 2013 at 1:43 am #

      Your response was as great as their post!

  5. Kat, Holly & Bri December 3, 2013 at 5:23 pm #

    Thank you. This post just made me realize how much pent up rage I have towards these people. I shall take the next opportunity to exact revenge upon their cell phones. 😉

  6. Catherine Duke December 4, 2013 at 6:10 am #

    THIS WAS ME! Ten years ago, this was me. If it helps (Not that it does) the DD CAN turn into a real dog owner. The turning point for me was when I went to the shelter and got my first dog who was MINE and not a family dog…and he was an adolescent JRTxDaschund. Talk about a crash course in how to be a real dog owner or else have my entire home destroyed.

  7. Mel December 7, 2013 at 1:26 am #

    You write everything I would love to write, but with better humor and sarcasm. DD’s drive me absolutely crazy.

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