Archive | September, 2013

Dog Snobs tackle Yahoo answers… again.

28 Sep

Yahoo Answers….where brain cells go to die.    And where stupid people usually get even stupider answers to their even more stupid questions.  Lucky for them, we’re here to help.  And by help, we mean give answers in the way only a Dog Snob can.

Yes. It’s a better alternative to the pole.

When they’re born, roughly fifty percent do. We recommend you have them removed, along with any reproductive parts you may still have hanging around, lest we be in danger when we encounter your genetically stupid children.

The Baja men.  Or maybe that pesky neighbor kid. Either way, get off Yahoo answers and get the dog back before they get hit by a car, dumbass.

Heaven spelled backwards?  Yes.  It’s stupid.  If you are even considering naming your dog (or child) this, you really need to get out of the trailer park, take the rollers out of your hair, and get a job.

Yes, and they’re judging you for that tacky dolphin jumping over a butterfly tattoo you got on your ass in college.

We suggest a Breaking Bad marathon. If you don’t have Netflix, maybe a few jokes or a tapdance routine.

It’s probably the rabies. You have two options, Old Yeller or Cujo. Which are really the same option… good luck with that.

*Brindle.. and all you need to know about him is that your are too stupid to own him. Take him back.

How about you pee on a damn stick and stop relying on your weird fetish dog and yahoo for all the answers.

**Want to see us give more fantastic answers?  Check out our previous installment here.

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WTF Wednesday

26 Sep

One night in Paris’…doghouse

It recently came to the attention of one of the Dog Snobs that there is an entire industry devoted to creating luxury dog houses.  And when we say luxury, we mean, upwards of $15,000. Yes, that’s right, people are making and buying dog houses that cost more than our first cars.

 

According to the interwebz, the most expensive one ever made was upwards of $400,000.  Read more about this house here. While a dog television intended for dog-use only seems pretty ludicrous, it pales in comparison to the high-tech eye scanners that were also installed on this dog house to limit access.  At least the owners can rest assured that no strange dogs (or people?) will enter the dog house and order lots of expensive movies On Demand….

 

Dog Clubs a.k.a. The circus is in town and someone’s getting trampled by the elephant.

24 Sep

Eventually in your dog-life, you are going to get bored. Training alone is hard. No one can tell you when you’re wrong. No one is there to bounce ideas off of except maybe your dog (who is always game for a snack break) and unless you’re willing to film yourself for hours and cover a room with mirrors actually seeing when you’re out of position, it’s pretty hard to have any clue if you are doing it right.

Not that kind of filming…..

At some point other people have felt the same way so they came up with a marvelous invention… The Dog Club. Bored, financially stretched, and in severe need of conversation beyond whuffles, snorts and barks these individuals banded together, typically found a building, created a not-for-profit, started teaching classes, hosting trials and shows, upgrading facilities, and shortly thereafter went batshit insane.

 

That batty.

We can’t tell you if it’s a product of some kind of power-rush, actual mental deterioration or personality defects but it inevitably becomes a shitshow. For examples of such insanity, just read the minutes of any large training club or read up on the history of the JRTCA, ASCA, or ABCA. Despite that, dog clubs in general can be a wonderful place assuming you do have a sense of humor, you can appreciate the degree of anal retentiveness it requires for people to quote Robert’s Rules, and you’re willing to pitch in when required.   So here kids, are reasons why we like dog clubs.

 

1) They’re for Joiners

It’s not a request

Yeah, we’re those kids. The ones who had ten thousand clubs and commitments in high school. Any and all of your volunteering hopes and desires can be met by the dog club. Some of those things you learn are also translatable to cash or club cash at least, which can be helpful if you spend your life there.

 

2) They make stuff cheaper

Easy is for suckers

One of the big perks of joining a club is that it knocks down the price of everything. Classes are suddenly cheaper, trials can be cheaper, group buys make those pesky shipping charges halve themselves, and the second hand stuff you can acquire triples. A lot of clubs also have their own retail setups which are typically closer to wholesale prices than you’d find in a store.

3) Other People Who know what they’re doing

We’re rowing through a lake of them

Need a clue? Someone at your dog club probably has it and can tell you what you’re doing wrong. Agree or not, it’s usually an endless vat of opinions.

 

4) Networking

This is your network on drugs

Who you know can sometimes be more important than what you know in dog training. While we don’t abide by this philosophy, the major name dropping that occurs can be hilarious. Also in the process of getting to know people your own network grows to include some people who are “droppable” as it were.

 

5) Free Stuff

Thumbs up for cheapness!

So you know we’re cheap, but this stuff is better. Count us in. Seriously. We’d do almost anything for free stuff. And we don’t mean advice. We mean gloves, bags, dumbbells, and while it’s yet to happen keeping an eye on the older obedience people may yield you a set of articles.

 

6) References

We didn’t say they’d be good references

Want to buy a well-bred puppy? You’ll probably need references and what better references then training club members? Much of the time, they’re the ones who bred the dog in the first place so, double-bonus. They’re obligated to see you frequently so odds are good you’ll get one they like.

 

7) Real training equipment

Also made of PVC. She’s a practi-girlfriend.

As handy as we might be with PVC pipe and a blow-torch, it’s fair to say that our homemade equipment can’t compare with the good stuff that you can find at most training clubs. Full sized jumps? Traffic cones? Other people to act like posts when required? It’s worth the floor time.

 

8) More drama than a soap opera

And she loves Toddlers & Tiaras

Who needs reality tv when you have a dog club?   Whether it’s name-calling, victim-playing, or voting people off the island, a dog club has it all. It’s like episodes of “Toddlers & Tiaras”, “Days of our Lives”, “Dance Moms”, and “Survivor” all rolled into one. Ever witness a grown-ass-woman pout for forty-five minutes with her back turned to the meeting? We have!  Bring popcorn and it’s dinner and a show.

 

So the moral of the story kids; support your local club. God knows they need the help.

Sex Toy or Dog Toy; The Aquatic Edition

22 Sep

Did you miss being absolutely disgusted every Saturday? For that one freak that raised their hand, this aquatic edition of Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday is dedicated to you. The rest of you… sorry.

Option A

Option B

This week is a hard one… need some time to think?

Time’s up! If you guessed option A was the sex toy…. you’d be wrong.  Despite a description that reads “It’s made of all natural latex that can bear the tough love that you(r dog) will show to this little friend”, option A is a dog toy.  Seriously.  Option B, on the other hand, is a sex toy called the “I Rub My Ducky”. That makes the proceeding video a lot creepier. Rubber Ducky is the one indeed…

Don’t Feed My Dog

20 Sep

Picture this:  You’re strolling down the street hand-in-hand with your kid enjoying the beautiful day when suddenly a complete stranger accosts you, gives your kid a piece of candy, and despite your protestations, continues to shovel sweets into your kid’s mouth.  Having a hard time imagining this?  Yeah…maybe that’s because this would never happen.  At least not without being a headline on the 6 o’clock news about woman tackling stranger.

So why then, is this not unheard of in the dog world?  Surely I can’t be the only one who has run into this issue–people who give your dog treats without first asking permission.   And if I say no, please listen.  And if you try to sneak him  a treat when I’m not looking?  Prepare to be punched in the throat.

Mr. T has severe allergies.  It took us several years to get them under control, and even a single treat with one of his allergens can trigger a massive response. As such, he is on a very limited diet.  When I say no to a treat, I’m not doing it to be difficult or because I am a tiger mom who doesn’t want my dog to have nice things.  I’m doing it because I need to.  Thankfully explaining to most people nicely why he cannot have that Beggin’ Strip that’s been floating in the bottom of their purse usually gets the job done.  However, there will always be those people who seem to take great offense at turning down a dog treat.  And even worse, there are those people who have literally given Mr. T a treat when I wasn’t looking. Thanks jackass. When he is up all night with diarrhea can I call you at 3 am?  Or can I ask you to pay the vet bill if he ends up with open sores from scratching his hives? No?  Then don’t feed my dog without my permission.

“I thought it would be worth it.”

*Anyone else have this issue?  Think I’m being too controlling?  Have at it in the comments*

WTF Wednesday

18 Sep

Ready to get back to your regularly scheduled programing? That’s right, it’s time for WTF Wednesday.

This week we want to talk about cosmetic procedures for dogs. No, not ear cropping and tail docking. We’re talking about tattoos. Yeah yeah, we know. Breeders tattoo dogs all the time but we aren’t talking about that.

Even worse because it’s Hello Kitty

Yeah, people get their dog tattooed (or do it themselves?) Brings a whole new meaning to Tramp Stamp, no?

I want a heart with ‘Bitch’ written on it. To honor my mom, you know?

We aren’t entirely sure it’s legal, but it does seem to happen.  Would you tattoo your dog for fun? Yeah… we wouldn’t either.

Well… now we’re just uncomfortable.

Cults and Hero Worship in Dog Training: a.k.a. Don’t Drink The Kool-Aid; It’s Fattening.

16 Sep

If you’re reading this blog, you’re probably active in the dog world and more to the point of this blog… involved in internet dog culture. Yeah… that’s a thing. (Either that or you were Googling sex toys and got confused.) And if you’re reading this… you likely have a training ideology that you subscribe to. That’s cool. We’ll let you keep that if you insist. We’re really not invested in your life, so too bad for you.

It really is. My upkeep amazes me.

Here’s the thing… this clinging to one idea of dog training tends to lead itself to a cult-like mentality and in some cases… hero worship. Stop that! We’ll tschhht you if we have to. We could name names here but we’re classier than that (fine, we’re not, but we’re going to try to resist) and really the tendency towards pulling at each other from the middle is annoying and fattening, and we mean that in the broadening sense.

So much clinging!

When extremes start pulling at each other the ends get bigger while the middle gets thinner and thinner until what supposedly connects the two is punctured like swiss cheese. We love cheese (No seriously… we LOVE cheese), but in general we don’t want to be compared to it.

It’s Holey in every sense.

The internet somehow enables us to get to know our heroes. In most relationships that degree of familiarity breeds contempt. We would really prefer not to see your man boobs in Cabo, or the nude shots of your grandchildren, or worst of all, Candy Crush solicitations. This should be a disillusioning experience. These are not the heroes we build up from reading their books (or blogs or watching videos) but it seems to have the opposite effect on some people. What they should by all rights find annoying is suddenly cute and endearing. It’s like the honeymoon period that never ends.

But I own her books! It’s totally normal to arrange a romantic vacation for us.

This kind of bizarre Jonestown following is what  leads to cults of dog training with sycophantic followers that are willing to pay to lick the feet of the ‘The One, The True, The Light, The Dog Trainer™’.

So true it hurts.

The Quality of the  TOTTTLTDT™ varies. Some of them might actually be decent dog trainers. They’ve proven themselves in the field, they have dogs with titles, and they started off as someone that was just getting what they had to say about dogs out there. With these types, the fame has sadly gone to their head. They rant and they rave and bring up how wonderful their own dog is constantly. The other type is worse. They start off with little to no real talent. They take in other people’s opinions and spout them out as their own. They are so adamant about their own talent that they somehow convince others to follow them, despite little experience or talent. Their dog training presence is only seen on the internet. In their everyday life, their own dogs are less than impressive.

He’s perfect!

Not only that but TOTTTLTDT™ is an internet sensation. They don’t just have followers, they have beasts of argument burden. Rather than hold these pointless internet demonstrations themselves, they are wont to only popping in with encouraging quips for the troops fighting in the trenches. The most apparent fact of their presence however is that they don’t actually care about helping their followers/cannon fodder, it’s all about their rightness that must be proved and damn the torpedoes. Semantics and circular arguments are no-win situations, but if you’ve got thousands of people willing to throw themselves down at your throne, what’s a couple hours of snickering over a keyboard.

He went to Lane Bryant,

We get it, we do. These extremes are seductive. They offer instant friends, people to back up what you’re saying (however obtuse it may be), and people to commiserate with when things go wrong. A black and white world is a lovely tempting place to live. Things are simpler and you never need question what is right. What could the middle possibly offer you but a wedgie and a nasty rash?

Try buying an ointment for that one.

Well the good part about finding yourself outside of the extremes is your ability to learn from others, be they in agreement with you or not. Consider it making yourself a well-rounded person. Learning to listen and not just react is probably a good goal.

Wrong kind of rounded but we like her style

So what, you ask is the point of all this? Well, kids. We’re annoyed. Dog training comes up frequently in our conversations and we can safely say it has never actually resulted in name-calling (or at least not lame-ass names. If you’re going to name call, show us you mean it.). We fully accept the premise that you can learn something from everyone; even if it’s what not to do. The idea that someone can’t learn is foreign and weird and frankly makes us question your inbreeding coefficient. We don’t like rude; we really don’t like nasty, and we really really hate extremists. So basically, if you can’t make your point without ripping someone else down, it’s probably time to go back to the drawing board and find a new point.

Is there a genetic drawing board?

What we’re really trying to say here is put down the Kool-aid and trying using the brain you were gifted with. Seriously,  if you’re going to worship someone on the internet… it should probably be us.

It’s on Wikipedia so it’s a fact.

WTF Wednesday.

5 Sep

Sometimes we wish our dogs could talk.  And then we remember that it’s probably best they don’t.  I mean, can you imagine what they would tell people about us?

“Welp… you’re a dumbass.”

For $220, you can buy the Bowlingual Voice Translator, which claims to tell you what your dog is feeling and can pick up on 6 distinct emotions.  We’re pretty sure the only emotion your dog will feel if forced to wear one of these is exasperation.   We don’t need a translator. Our dog’s opinion comes through nicely when they’re flipping us off on the agility course without a giant clunky piece of plastic.

We get a feeling our dogs are a lot more foul mouthed than Dug.

Owner Profile: The Misguided Guidance Counselor

1 Sep

Ready for more sweeping generalizations? Yes? Good.

Ever heard the expression “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing”? Well for the Misguided Guidance Counselor (MGC), that statement couldn’t be any more true.

Description:

The older, more annoying, and far-less-involved-with-their-own-dog version of our Know-It-All Novice, the MGC is a voracious acquirer of knowledge. They have read all the books. They have watched all the movies. They have asked all (and we mean ALL) the questions. In theory, the MGC knows what to do, and they certainly aren’t afraid to tell others what to do. But when it comes down to doing anything with their own dogs?  Well, theory and practice are two different things entirely. Don’t expect to see the MGC actually doing anything with their present dogs.

Or maybe the next day.

The big difference between the MGC and the KIAN is purely in application. While the KIAN is active, involved and downright annoying in their dedication to being the best at their chosen venue, the MGC merely assumes their appropriated knowledge is a sufficient replacement for actual effort and/or experience. If the KIAN is ‘the ant’, the MGC is ‘the grasshopper’s asshole neighbor the Cuckoo bird. She shoves in, stuffs her egg in your nest, and then her asshole crotch fruit steals all the food and attention. Not only did she not work at all, she’s going to steal all the shit you worked hard to acquire, take the credit and proceed to go on and fuck over other nests.

He’s telling you why you’re doing it wrong…

A secondary characteristic is the MGC’s focus on what’s next. Why deal with the dogs you have now, when you can plan for a future that will never occur? Any issues that may mar the MGC’s perfect world are either ignored or never spoken about. They exist in the ‘Fight Club’ of dog issues. First rule of being an MGC? You don’t talk about MGC. Second rule of being an MGC? You broke the first rule.

Common Locations:

Doling out iffy advice on internet forums while ignoring perfectly good advice given to them or accosting random strangers on the street to give advice while ignoring their own dog’s bad behavior.  Basically, they can be found anywhere other than working with their own dog.

Wardrobe:

Shirts from important competitions they weren’t actually entered. Training vests with no dogs in sight. Athletic attire in inappropriate situations.

Breeds Owned:

MGCs tend to own breeds for fairly experienced people, but they are always more than the MGC can actually handle. The dog is often commonly seen out and about during puppyhood and then never seen again once adolescence starts. Even their stereotypically easy breeds become Kujo-like per their description. Just assume that any dogs the MGC owns could be fixed with a weekend of good training or a new owner.

Don’t be fooled. He is vicious!

Skill Level: Trick question. While the MGC has certainly read enough to be fairly knowledgeable, it is hard to judge their actual skill as they rarely follow through with any advice they are given or training tips they read. It will just take one little incorrect fact pinging your radar. After that you can hear your ‘bullshit’ detector going haywire as their lies and faux-grasp of concepts build.

May thy posterior be stung by the traitorous wasp

Catch Phrases:

“If I were you..”, “Well my reading tells me…”, “Have I tried this with my dog?  No, but I plan on it…someday”

Exactly

Anecdotal Evidence:

BusyBee:

    Last year after Mr. T was attacked by another dog he became reactive toward dogs of the same breed.  As such, I actively sought out advice from experts and once we were cleared by his vet for physical activity (i.e. more than just walking out to potty and going back in), I began to work on his reactivity.  Anyone who has ever dealt with a reactive dog knows this can be a process, and that at times your dog will have a particularly bad day.  Given that I live in the middle of a large city, lots of people were witness to our training sessions. During this time, one particular neighbor staked her claim as being a major MGC.  This woman has one of the most ill-behaved dogs I have ever met and openly admits that she has been too lazy/busy to take steps to improve it.  However, she was more than willing to dole out unsolicited advice and chastise me for “letting” Mr. T react.  Apparently because she can quote pretty much every dog training book ever written she is an authority on training despite never having actually put any of it into practice.  Whenever I saw her she told me what I should be doing differently and seemed unimpressed with our progress.   Each time she lectured me, all I wanted to do was tell her that maybe instead of focusing on my dog, she should put an ounce of effort into hers.

All up in there.

Fang:

    One of these is the bane of my existence. They literally make my life a little bit worse every time they breathe. This particular MGC has several dogs of fairly easy pet breeds (Poodles, Shelties etc) none of which have any overwhelmingly extreme personality traits. Similar training groups bring us into regular contact and every time is worse than the last. Incessant bad behavior by her pets is ignored in favor of the mythic “next dog”. This next dog will be everything her current pets are not. This fantasy canine will be stronger, faster, a better listener and will bring her flowers on her birthday dog damn it! Seriously though, no matter what you suggest (per her request) the advice is never applied. She’s more than happy to hand it out inappropriately to others though. She then usually has the gall to correct the original advice giver despite having no actual experience, anecdotal or otherwise.

Yes, you really do.

Potnoodle:

    Because I’ve been in dogs since I was very young, and since I’m still younger than a good majority of sport dog people… I get a lot of MGCs. Don’t get me wrong, I welcome advice from all experienced dog people. I’ll gladly sit and listen to old hands for hours because if you think you know everything about dog training, you are the worst sort of dog trainer. Still, nothing annoys me worse than advice from someone who is parroting something they’ve read and not applying any practical knowledge. The first one that comes to mind is a “trainer” that came in for dog food in a local feed store. She had shepherds, of the German variety, and truly believed she was god’s gift to dog training. Thing is, her dogs were godawful. She did “protection training” which as far as I can tell mostly consisted of antagonizing an already nervy dog until it bit the helper. She even had the nerve of bragging about one of her dogs almost biting someone that “walked up too quickly”. Obviously, the woman had no idea, yet she was always ready to hand out advice to anyone that would listen. Covering every  topic from basic puppy obedience (and she made Koehler look like Karen Pryor) to agility (she ran a fun class with tunnels made out of black pipe) to how to teach your Great Dane how to bite someone and she was more than happy to hand this advice out to anyone dumb enough to listen. She now works as a trainer at a big box store, which has expanded her listening circle exponentially.

Everything. All of it.