What Not To Wear: Dog Snobs Edition.

2 Jul

Okay, Minions. This is an intervention. Your dog depends on you for food, shelter, water, and love. But there is one more thing your dog depends on you for… not to dress them in tacky ass accesories. Perhaps it is because both Potnoodle and Fang have worked with dogs from the general public, but they are both incredibly judgemental about your dog’s collar and leash. BusyBee is admittedly not a collar whore like her fellow dog snobs, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have some strong opinions on this subject as well.


That’s right. We know where your dog’s stuff came from, we’re judging you for it, and we can probably tell you a bit about yourself in the process. Now before you get all worried, this isn’t a price thing. Inexpensive or affordable items can be great.  It’s when you combine cheapness with a lack of good taste or common sense that we run into issues. In our benevolence, we’ve decided to make it easy for you to snobbify your pet so we can send you out into the world as the stylish, stylish minions that you are.

Sir Mix A Lot… Not a knight for nothing.

Rule #1: Skinny leashes are your friend.

Why is your leash that wide? Get a thinner one. Much unlike jeans, skinny leashes will never make you look ridiculous. One inch leashes are tacky and ugly and generally too big for the dog that they are on. Your Yorkie-poo doesn’t need a 6 foot long, 3 inch wide leather leash. Thinner is lighter, easier to manage, and also not tacky. At an inch we’ll assume you don’t walk your dog a lot. Wider than one inch, we’re going to assume that you’re packing up your wagon to hit the Oregon trail.

Terrys are, as a rule, not to be messed with.

Rule #2:  If it doesn’t fit, donate it.

That collar shouldn’t hang to your dog’s knees and if your dog is turning blue it’s too tight. Know how your collar is supposed to fit and if you don’t know, ask.  And if it doesn’t fit your dog, donate it to a local shelter, veterinarian, food bank (they need more than food) or Goodwill.

Practical, yet pimp.

Rule #3: You’re not in a gang. Put away the chain leash.

A leash is not a self-defense item or an anti-theft device. If you have a pet who needs a chain leash because they will pull through woven nylon, cotton, or leather, you need to return your elephant to the zoo and go get a dog.

Jets! Sharks! Jets! Sharks!

Rule #4:   If it doesn’t look clean, it’s not.

Dirty ratty collars make us think you’re dirty and ratty. Even if it’s the truth, leave us with some mystery. Soap, water and some elbow grease can have your $10 ten year old collar  looking brand new.

You’re gonna want to throw that away.

Rule # 5: Take care of your shit.

Wash it. Dry it. Don’t let the dog chew it. Don’t leave it outside. Don’t bury it for months like Kimchi. It’s not rocket science.

At least the kimchi is protected.

Rule #6:  Rhinestones are for the 90’s, Pageant Girls and Drag Queens

Unless you are Lady Gaga, featured on TLC, or MC Hammer, step away from the rhinestones. If your dog is wearing rhinestones it’s inevitably named Princess or Lord Fluffykins and you’ve probably been nasty to your groomer* which is not something you want to advertise (Unless of course you like being secretly flipped off behind your back)

*Fact: Groomers can tell how awful your dog is by their name and accessories.

Sudden urge to watch “The Bird Cage”.

Rule #7: Coordinate, don’t match.

Yes Virginia, getting the matching leash isn’t a good idea. Yeah stuff comes in sets sometimes, but really? Printed leashes lean heavily towards tacky anyway, but if it’s identical to your collar it’s obvious that zero thought was put into the purchase.  You don’t have to be a canine Michael Kors, but a little bit of effort goes a long way.

That’s a lot of horizontal stripes.

Rule #8 : Flexis are the devil

Do we need to go over this again?

Not relevant, just funny.

Rule # 9:  Animal print on an animal…Really?

Please leave animal print where it belongs…on Fran Drescher, your great grandma Eunice, and tacky bachelorette party decorations.

Please, no more. I look fat in pink.

Rule #10:  Camo is for Marines and Big Game Hunters. Not your Shih-poo.

Does your dog track bear? Are you preparing for it to lead a revolution in South America? No? Then it doesn’t need that camo, period. Put that down. Here’s a news flash… most hunters don’t use camo collars so they don’t shoot their own dog. If they aren’t using a nice plain leather collar they’re using a safety orange one. Don’t inflict your bad taste on your dog.

Is that racist? I feel like because that’s a havanese it’s racist.

Rule #11: If it’s plastic, put it down.

We repeat, do you hunt? No? Than put that plastic safety orange collar down. Your Pug will get a fungus.

Technically that could be an accessory, I guess.

Rule #12:  Expensive doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good quality.

Yeah, spending $80 at a retailer will won’t mention doesn’t mean it’s going to last more than a weekend. A Tractor Supply collar can last you years and years if you take care of it.

I’m sure this was expensive…

Rule #13:  Chain Stores are overpriced

If you have a particular attachment to being unique, don’t act like a twat when you see your ‘hot pink zebra print’ collar and leash set on 14 other dogs on a walk. Yes, they also spent $30 on it so they were ripped off too. There are a ton of online retailers who carry excellent quality and sometimes truly customizable stuff online for a great price.

Including a death spike collar. You’re welcome.

Rule #14: You can make your own

Paracord, strap nylon, ribbon and hardware aren’t all that expensive. If you don’t like what’s out there, try making your own. Fang has become adept at paracord leads and collars while Potnoodle’s custom collar wardrobe for I and L rival most boutiques in inventory. BusyBee fears sewing herself to…herself, so has decided to step away from the crafting table and rely on her more sewing savvy friends to make Mr. T pretty things (hint hint). Potnoodle needs to get on that.

We’re going to need more wine.

Rule #15: Don’t get carried away

Let’s be realistic here, this is stuff for dogs. You really don’t need a $300 collar. You can have nice, quality things without spending a fortune. We’re certainly not saying be a cheapskate, but you don’t have to mortgage your house to do it. It’s all about balancing what works for your budget and what isn’t a pile of tacky garbage. If there’s ever any doubt, remember to aim for classy and fabulous will come with practice. Just because it exists doesn’t mean you need to put it on your dog, or yourself for that matter.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

Essentially there are so many amazing options out there for our pets. If you follow our rules, you’ll land on the good side of amazing and not be a WTF Wednesday featuree.

It really is.



14 Responses to “What Not To Wear: Dog Snobs Edition.”

  1. Pat F. July 2, 2013 at 2:04 am #

    That poor Havanese looks embarrassed!

  2. Emily July 2, 2013 at 2:42 am #

    I am too lazy to make my own, but I get Sam’s appropriately sized collars and leashes from Hollywoof Styles. My current favorite is his squirrel one http://www.etsy.com/listing/90820854/squirrel-small-dog-collar-12?ref=shop_home_active which I bought with matching 4′ leash, but I also have 4 or 5 other sets from her. I know it’s overkill, but I get bored easily.

  3. Poplargreys July 2, 2013 at 3:20 am #

    I totally have a matching custom leather lead and collar set from Paco Collars for my fancy show dog… but he wears an $8 coated nylon huntin’ dawg collar 95% of the time, because he IS a huntin’ dawg 95% of the time. Well, technically he’s a couch ornament for 85% of that 95% but still, he rocks that ugly plastic collar because it’s the only thing he hasn’t been able to destroy. The swanky leather collar is too precious to let him beat the crap out of it, I paid good money for him to scuff up leather and (gasp) rainbow rhinestones 😉

  4. Lis Carey July 2, 2013 at 3:39 am #

    I agree dog gear should fit and be in good condition. And I generally agree with the idea that flexis are evil.

    Beyond that–Sorry. I don’t buy my dogs’ collars, leashes, or other items for the purpose of pleasing or impressing other people. My main concerns are comfort, practicality, and what I like.

  5. ThePayferPack July 2, 2013 at 3:52 am #

    This post had me laughing out loud!!!!! I love the Oregon Trail Reference! I d*mn near fell out of my chair laughing! Great advice!

    What I love are the matching leash, harness, collar sets that people put on then on top of that the dog is either on a prong or choke and they are attached to a retractable! What on earth are these people thinking! Oh Wait, their not…

    My guys have three collars. One Blaze Orange plastic coated nylon with name plates (their name our phone #’s) for working, one leather with name plate which has their tags, and one Hear no/Speak no/ see no evil monkey (http://www.petco.com/product/119157/Petco-Adjustable-See-No-Monkey-Dog-Collar-in-Brown.aspx) for fun 0 and yes, that one is from the big box store that I work at… It’s OK though I get a discount and paid less than $10 for it 😉 . My leashes are 4′ long leather and about 5/8″ wide…

  6. Lolly July 2, 2013 at 4:17 am #

    The worst thing I’ve seen was a tiny nylon slip lead attached to a 2″ thick double handle leash. The 1/4 inch thin nylon slip was garroting a 100 lb German Shepherd with serious behavioral issues (perhaps issues brought on by, say, being garroted) while a very small man – about 5 feet tall and maybe 90 pounds – held on to the giant leash latched on to the tiny slip for dear life. I noticed this odd arrangement and said “My god, is that a quarter-inch slip?” to which he replied – in tones of great moral superiority – that he does not believe in prong collars. Heaven help the dog and anyone else he encounters, not including the idiot using the dog as a prop intended to communicate manliness beyond his proportions. I’m afraid that he deserves whatever comes his way.

  7. Settersunlimited July 2, 2013 at 1:28 pm #

    while I agree that most people put a chain collar on their dog to make themselves look like tools. some dogs can chew through Nylon and leather leashes in seconds and need a chain collar so they don’t chew through and run away on a walk. I have had dogs come into the salon and one minute they are on their leash next to their owner they next they are sprinting across the room with a foot or two of leash behind them! So they do serve a responsible purpose.

    • ThePayferPack July 2, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

      But not ones that look like they were used for pulling a stuck 4×4 out of a ditch 😉

  8. Kristine July 2, 2013 at 7:49 pm #

    Hilarious. 🙂

    So I am thinking my once-nice leather leash that is now duct-taped together is not so much stylish any more?

  9. Jennifer July 3, 2013 at 4:20 am #

    My show dogs wear a chain collar as their every day collar for two reasons.
    1) My puppy is still getting used to the chain. I’m trying to teach her that just because it makes noise does not require you scream and lay out in the floor about it when said chain makes said noise. It is not going to eat you.
    2) My adult dog respects the chain collar. He does not respect a nylon collar – not even a martingale. But you better believe he hears that first “click”, and he’s right at my side, sitting obediently. Despite my best attempts (and my mostly knowledgeless bumbling, since he was the dog I learned on), he managed to train his happy butt right straight through the flat band collars. Live and learn, I guess.

    Both chains are appropriate gauges and lengths (well, okay, the puppy’s is long, but she’s still growing) for them, and look quite classy. But, then, I know what I’m doing and my dogs are both wearing chain collars for a reason. What kills me is the people who put their dogs in German choke collars because, and this is a direct quote from someone who very nearly got the stupid smacked out of them, it makes their dog look tough. *facepalm*

    • TheDogSnobs July 3, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

      The chain collars aren’t an issue. They’re pretty standard across dogdom I think. The chain leashes are what we find issue with.

  10. Margaret July 6, 2013 at 2:25 am #

    this seriously cracked me up, I am totally judging our clients on their dogs’ collars/leashes! 😉 (I work at a vet clinic) I am always shocked at how stanky & disgusting people let their dog’s collars get. I wash my dogs collars & leashes at least once a month. seems like most people don’t even think to do this. it is bad when the dogs covered in skin infections smell better than some other dog’s collars!

    • Margaret July 6, 2013 at 2:26 am #

      OH and if your dog’s leash/collar is broken, BUY A NEW ONE. A rope doesn’t count!!

  11. leestrates July 8, 2013 at 4:35 pm #

    Oh dear. My harness is filthy and I walk my dog on two dollar store leads tied together … At least they’re not thick?! Ack, the shame! 😀

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