Archive | July, 2013

Come on let’s Vogue! Or not… Contest winners at the ready!

31 Jul

‘A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.’ – Coco Chanel

Sing it, sister. While our Glamor Shot contest rested heavily in the fabulous camp, we know our minions epitomize the classiest of the classy kids.

Classy

*tiny champagne toast taps*

We had some awesome entries and the creativity displayed was great. If we could pick you all, we wouldn’t because that would defeat the purpose of a contest but it was a tough run to be the top pick.

Our People’s Choice winner with a whopping number of likes is Ms. Frost the Can-Can Dancer looking ever so refined. Frost will be receiving a ‘Questionable Dog Toy’ from us along with the accolades of our quasi-popular blog followers and our never-ending respect for having a dog-sized Can-Can outfit at the ready. Your Halloween must be amazing.

Not everyone can rock the stripes.

Our pick, and our profile picture for the month of August are the lovely Trillian and Puzzle sporting their parade wear and astonishing the masses.

Put a ring on it.

Congrats guys and awesome entries once again. Thanks to all of you who entered, remember our next contest has already begun so keep your cameras at the ready. If you need a reminder: Asshats are bad. Training is good. Film it. Win a custom t-shirt. Got it? Good.

Snob on Minions.

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Your dog isn’t being friendly. He’s an asshole. And so are you.

30 Jul

“He was just being friendly!”

Those five words may seem benign, but they actually constitute one of  most rage-inducing phrases a dog owner can hear.

We’ve all been there.  A dog charges up to your dog, gets right in their face, invades their personal bubble, and pesters them until your own dog gets sick of the shenanigans and either avoids the offending dog or snaps at them to tell them to back off.  Both behaviors result in the other dog’s owner proclaiming that your dog is a jerk for not allowing their “friendly” dog to molest yours.  Actually asshats, it’s your dog that needs a lesson in manners, or more precisely, you do.

That’s right, your dog isn’t just being friendly, he’s being an asshole.  Here are just a few signs that your dog is a jerk.

1.  Your dog routinely lifts other dogs feet off the ground when trying to sniff their derrieres

2.  Your dog starts all greetings by jumping on the head of strange dogs.

3.  Your dog goes right to another dog’s face and proceeds to either incessantly lick them or tries to lean over the other dog.

4. Your dog humps strange dogs within seconds of greeting.

Mind you, we understand that dogs are being dogs.   That Lab who rushes your dog is just being a Lab (sweet, but socially inept and completely unaware of the rules and regulations as dictated by the herder overlords), but as a dog owner it is YOUR responsibility to manage these interactions and understand what is “rude” in dog language and not allow your dog to be a repeat canine offender.   It’s not a coincidence that many dogs take issue with the bouncier, “in your face” breed of dogs. Imagine if you were on a walk and a stranger came running up to you full speed and took a flying leap into your arms and proceeded to lick and nuzzle you as you tried to get away (For the record, BusyBee, who seems to be a freak magnet has not yet had this happen…knock on wood).  Not cool, right?  So why would you let your dog do the same?

Fang:

My Cattle Dog probably hates your dog.  It’s nothing personal (It probably is) but while she doesn’t want to kill your dog, she would rather your dog not be …alive anymore.

Exactly!

I have spent literally years dealing with her gangbanger tendencies. She’s not perfect (Despite what she thinks), but she is so much better than what she was that I am basically on a minimal management plan. That being said, if pressed I will explain that she is in fact dog aggressive (It’s more like pissily selective with unfamiliar dogs, but the shades of gray are hard to explain) and please don’t let your dog get in her face. I am not however above admitting that I can and will use those tendencies to teach object lessons to idiots. My bad owner confessional being, I’ve let her go cobra on dogs we know, because their owners are being dicks. Out and about however, I do my best to minimize her potential for mayhem. I’m not being ‘rude’ when I physically block your dog. I’m sure your dog is lovely but our experiences say otherwise so if I’m putting myself between my dogs and you, that’s not an invitation to get closer. Really, back the hell up. I’m trying to get away from you and your dog in questionable control. I’m protecting your dogs as much as my own.

Not exactly what we meant by ‘Go Cobra’ but close enough.

Also as a note, dog aggressive dogs under control and with responsible management have just as much right to be out and about as the friendly neighborhood pal. Muzzles are frequently a responsible compromise, and proceeding to lecture on why the ‘vicious’ dog shouldn’t be out is frankly ridiculous and narrow minded. I don’t like being accosted by strangers and neither do my dogs. Respect the bubble.

…and the Bubbles

BusyBee:  

Mr. T is exceedingly patient as a general rule.  He’s one of the best puppy-raisers around.  He tends to be ok with excessive sniffing, face-licking, and general tomfoolery from most dogs. But, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his limits. If a large dog persists on bouncing all up in his business like Tigger on crack, he’s not going to be happy.  And nor am I.

But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is… calm the fuck down.

People who understand dog body language have often commented on how appropriately and judiciously Mr. T doles out corrections.  Generally I try not to let dogs act inappropriately toward him and will step in if I think a dog is going too far and the owner is obtuse.  People with “friendly” dogs**, however, tend to think that anything less than complete tolerance on his behalf  is a sign of aggressiveness and that I’m being rude by not allowing their dog to torment mine.  Heaven forbid someone correct their sweet snookums who was only trying to show affection by clinging on to Mr. T’s  head like those tacky Garfield car suction plushes.

Except the window is Mr. T’s head

**Pro Tip–if your “friendly” dog is routinely in the middle of melees and draws the ire of most dogs it encounters, it’s probably (past) time to rethink how you are letting your dog interact with others.

Potnoodle:

I was raised by a border collie, and my first dog that was really mine to train was an Australian Cattle Dog/Border Collie mix, so even though my current Poodles aren’t easily offended by rude dogs- I am.

My dogs are also kept in this bubble.

So even though my poodles are going to tolerate your ass-y dog flinging himself into their face… I won’t. I’m going to step in and move your dog away. I don’t really appreciate being called a bitch for doing this, so I would appreciate if you could keep your comments about me under your breath, just like I keep my comments about you under mine.

 

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

27 Jul

Ready for us to ruin your weekend…and quite possibly your appetite?

Which one is the sex toy and which is the dog toy?

Option A

Option B

Ready for an answer?  Feel a sudden urge for a cupcake?  We hope not, you sickos.

Option A is the dog toy, and Option B is the sex toy.  According to their website, the cherry “packs an extra punch”.  Wonderful.

We’ll never look at a cupcake the same again.  We’ll stick to pie….

…or not.

 

 

Don’t Be An Asshat Contest

26 Jul

Remember that time we told you that if more people spent the time they used arguing about training to actually train, the world would be a better place and considerably less damn annoying?

Probably not, you totally remember the breast fed dog though.

Well we’re ready to put our money where our mouth is. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is this: Every time you read something training related  on the internet that enrages you, instead of yelling at the idiot while you envision choking them out with a Halti or bludgeoning them to death with a Flexi… go train your dog. All we ask for is ten minutes, spent working with your dog on the trick of your choosing for six weeks. The worst that can happen? Your dog ends up with a pretty cool trick. The best that can happen? You get a dog snobs t-shirt with your dog’s silhouette* on it! That’s right… there is a prize for the winner and it’s a good one that means we need to be crafty so appreciate it.

That’s for us, not for you.

How do you win, you ask? By impressing us with a short video of a complex** trick taught over the six weeks you’ve been abstaining from preaching the word of your training philosophy. At the end of the six weeks (Around the 30th of August.), you send us a youtube link to our email or submit the video to our drop box. Sounds like fun, eh? No need for professional productions but a clear shot of the dog performing the trick will help.

He could be reciting Shakespeare but we can’t tell if it’s a dog or an English professor, so use some sense.

Remember, we do know how to work the internet and we are in a lot of groups. We’ll know if you’re still out there being an Evangelist. Also, don’t rip-off someone else’s trick, be inspired but don’t just rip it off the internet. People get mad and send us emails and then we mock them and Fang gets told not to call people names on the internet… It’s all very annoying so just don’t do it.

Don’t send us this. We know it.

*Part of the dealio is we need a decent picture of the dog to get a silhouette from. If we can’t get that we’ll come up with a breed silhouette that works or you can pick one of the Dog Snobs’ existing t’s. Winner’s choice.

**Sit is neither complex nor impressive. There are hundreds of cool tricks out there. Take a few and make them your own. Originality counts.

WTF Wednesday: The Clean Freaks Edition

24 Jul

We need these… for reasons

We can’t decide if this idea is the stupidest thing we’ve ever seen…or the most brilliant.

We’re leaning toward brilliant.

We often joke that we should put our dogs to work to earn their keep, and making them our personal dust-mops seems like a pretty good way to start.  Even if they aren’t too effective, it’s sure to be entertaining.  I mean, what do we have to lose (other than our dogs killing us in our sleep for putting these on them)?

We imagine our dogs would look a little something like this:

Neuter Nuts: aka Your investment in the location of my dog’s testicles is strange in a not-fun way.

22 Jul

We totally understand the the importance of speutering for the general public.  Most people are totally not ready or responsible enough to take on an intact dog (we’re looking at you, people who bring an in-heat bitch to a dog park).

Bitches be crazy.

We know that there are plenty of idiots out there with intact dogs who either have plans to have litters of puppies “just because”, don’t want to neuter them because it threatens their manhood (pro tip: it’s not your balls they are removing), or are just too lazy to get it done.  But, it is easy to forget that there are other people who keep intact dogs that are responsible enough to manage everything that it comes with and aren’t the type of people responsible for shelter overcrowding and whatnot.

It’s even gray… Mind blown.

Two of these people happen to be Dog Snobs.  That’s right, both Potnoodle and Fang have intact male dogs.  (BusyBee, for several reasons, including both owning shelter dogs and plain not wanting to look at dog danglies all day doesn’t ever plan on having an intact dog).  In today’s post, Potnoodle and Fang will address the neuter nuts and defend their right to keep an intact dog.

Exactly like that.

Potnoodle

Hi, my name is Potnoodle and I have an intact male dog. That’s right, my dog has managed to hold on to his family jewels in the rampant time of spay/neuter propaganda. I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

Don’t worry, it’s not the book. That’s not a secret, that’s just stupid.

My dog is not intact because of health reasons, my dog is not intact because I have a weird macho attachment to his balls, my dog isn’t intact because of drive. My dog is intact simply because he hasn’t given me a reason to neuter him yet (Despite some threats with toe nail clippers). For some wild and crazy reason, I’m not all rushed to put my dog under anesthesia for a medical procedure that is 100% unnecessary if you’re a decently responsible dog owner. Somehow, magically, he’s managed to avoid unwanted pregnancies with other dogs.

*cough*

Wait, that’s not magic… that’s me being a decent pet owner. So when you see me walking around PetWhatever, and for some reason you’re staring at my dog’s balls… go ahead and judge me, because I’m probably judging you for your lunging asshat of a dog.

Folksy, yet scathing.

Fang

Dearest minions, it is indeed true. M the Malinois has testicles.

Testicles (Testi-Klees), a legend in his own mind.

Why? Well, if you approach me in the street (And if you’re asking about my dog’s balls in the street you have issues. Really, you need to seek a counselor.) I’ll tell you he’s a show dog. It’s technically true. He has those very expensive CH letters in front of his official name.

Roughly the same price to win with about half the violence.

He also is unlikely to ever set foot back in a conformation ring. I’ll also tell you I have an agreement with his breeder to leave him intact, which is also technically true, but in perfect honesty she really doesn’t care if I neuter or not. My Malinois is intact because I don’t have a reason to neuter him and why fix what isn’t broken? He’s healthy, well-mannered, and I’m a moderately responsible adult who can manage his base instincts, which to my observation mostly consist of licking neutered males’ junk and trying to poop the highest. Yeah, it’s really thrilling.

Essentially.

My only complaint, other than the jarring morning greeting of balls being flung around my face and his near inability to gain weight is that rescues have a sore point in regard to balls.

With a little bit of fur, that’s a solid reenactment of M’s balls smacking a rescue coordinator in the face. True story.

I am basically unable to adopt any dog locally because my male is intact. Logic that one out, minions. I am apparently “not an animal advocate”. Erm… okay then. I didn’t think my dog’s testicles had much to do with my value as a person but be my guest. I will however judge your personal values for trying to stare at my dog’s junk.

Really… Stop that. It’s weird and you’re making him uncomfortable.

Anyone else get verbally castrated (Ha! A Pun) over their dog’s testicles? Think we’re awful people for keeping our creatures intact? Drop us a line or commiserate in the comments.

WTF Wednesday aka That time you shouldn’t have read us at lunch.

17 Jul

Who wants to pet Fluffy*?

*Note, this is one of MANY companies that peddles preserved pooches.

One of the worst gifts Fang ever received was one of those creepy goat-hair pets they sell at flea markets. It was a tiny Dalmatian she would literally shut it in her closet at night for fear it would come to terrorize her and gnaw off any hanging limbs in its vicinity. Imagine if at one point this “toy” had been mobile. Well, they do that now. A once living a breathing animal is now a doorstop or an object for a curio cabinet. How… gross.

Thanks NBC news for the picture and the hours of therapy our insurance won’t pay for.

We get that people love their dogs and that losing one is one of the hardest things many people will go through.  What we don’t get is the desire to keep Fluffy perched on the edge of your couch for all eternity.  Freeze-dried pets?  Really?  Eww, just eww. This is like taxidermy minus the kitschy redneck appeal (if there ever was any).

Let’s talk about the actual freeze drying aspect though. We all have used freeze dried treats, right? You know how they get kind of slimy when wet? Now imagine the grossness when Benji 2 tries to have a gnaw at Benji 1. Yeah, we’ve grossed ourselves out too.

Tastes like hours wasted on pointless field trip.

Save the forests kids because this isn’t something we ever want to see on Wild America.

It’s just like visiting Yellowstone.

Owner Profile: The Rare Breed Braggart

16 Jul

Description:   The Rare Breed Braggart (RBB) prides themselves on owning a breed that most people will never know what it is.  These same individuals however, tend to act personally insulted when people don’t know what kind of dog they have, or heaven forbid, ask what kind of mix it is.  These are people who aren’t satisfied having a German Shorthaired Pointer.  No, they must go out and get a Braque du Bourbonnaise.  That Bouvier des Flandres?  Not exotic enough in comparison to a Bouvier des Ardennes.  RBBs will brag endlessly about what their rare breed can do (did you know they can solve world peace and are working on a cure for cancer?), and heaven forbid someone ask why not just get “x breed”, they claim that no other breed can even compare to their dear imported dog.

Common Locations:  Breed specialty shows where they mingle with the three other dogs in the region.  Frequenting online dog forums to flaunt their dog’s superiority over AKC registered breeds. Flying to and fro between FCI shows in Europe, you won’t see them in pet stores with the rest of the riff-raff.

…unless you are a Löwchen

Breeds Owned:  The more uncommon, the better.  Bonus points if most people struggle to pronounce it or if there are silent letters in the breed name.

You know where the J isn't silent? Jackwagon.

You know where the J isn’t silent? Jackwagon.

Skill Level:  Moderate.  The RBB generally has done a fair amount of research on their chosen rare breed and has immersed themselves in breed clubs.

I’m here for the Barbet meeting.

 
Catch Phrases: 
He’s one of only 30 in the United States”, “I’m the founding member of the local X breed club”, “Um, hello, she’s a Pachón Navarro”, “He’s imported”

Praise (imported) cheesus

Anecdotal Evidence:

BusyBee: I live in a neighborhood with particularly strong Scandinavian roots, and as such, there are actually a good number of Swedish Vallhunds and Lapphunds, and even a few Lundehunds.   At least once per week I overhear someone asking one of these owners if their dog is a “Corgi mix”, which almost always results in a gasp of disbelief and then a rather snarky response implying that not knowing what a Vallhund was is tantamount to heresy.  There is one man in particular who owns three Vallhunds that I see regularly out and about in our neighborhood.  The first time I met them I casually mentioned that I had been seeing more and more Vallhunds in the area, and I’m pretty sure I could actually see the wind knocked out of his sails when he realized that he couldn’t “educate” me on how rare his dog was.

A smorgasbord of self-importance

Potnoodle: When I was but a wee lass, I worked in a grooming shop. Among the various doodles and poos that came in to the shop there was a little scruffy yellow puppy. We all exclaimed over the cuteness  of this little mixed breed and were immediately corrected by the woman at the other end of the leash. “Daisy is a Petit Basset Fauve de Bretagne” she huffed. “Oh, is that in any way related to the PBGV?” I asked. The woman was incredibly offended, despite the fact that they are similar breeds. I’m still upset that the dog didn’t have a more exotic name than “Daisy”.

Totally doesn’t look anything like a generic shelter mutt.

Fang: A recent acquaintance has adopted a dog from a shelter and they have dubbed it a Dutch Shepherd. They’ve become instant experts on this breed, despite their dog having no evidence personality or looks-wise of being a Dutchie besides being brindle. Because they’ve read that this is a difficult breed they are also increasingly more knowledgeable about everything then you are and they will elaborate the ways in which this is true. We won’t be friends for much longer.

More Dutch than their dog

**Do you know any RBBs?  Anyone want to cop to being one themselves?  Share below!**

A Dog Snob Guide to Staying in Hotels with Dogs

13 Jul

Thanks to Mara, our July contest winner for the suggestion that we riff on hotel etiquette when traveling for dog shows.

Traveling with your dog can be fun. For those of us that trial with our dogs, hotels are often necessary, and you can always tell which hotel is serving as the host hotel of a dog show. From the giant vans taking up three parking spaces to the ex-pens set up with hordes of dogs on the hotel’s nicely manicured lawns, we’re pretty sure hotel managers dread seeing Dog Shows on the schedule. So, we’ve compiled a list of how to behave with your dog when travelling for those big events.

Climb out of the trees, kids.

 

1. Clean Up Your Shit… literally.

We don’t care if you have one dog or thirty with you… you still have to clean up after your dog. Bag it AND make sure it makes it to a trash can. Piling your bags of poop by the door is gross. Also, just because you have a tiny dog does not mean that you don’t  have to take it out. Pee Pads in a hotel room are gross–don’t make the maid deal with that.

She gets paid thousands of dollars… she can at least pick up my poop.

2. Barking Dogs

Newsflash, dog show attendees are not the only people staying at hotels.  The Johnson family is trying to enjoy a nice family vacation and doesn’t need to be kept up at all hours of the night by your horde of prize Shelties.  If you can’t train your dog to stop barking, try investing the show entry fees into training.

Sheltie people can’t even be mad. You know they’re guilty.

3. You are not a Leopard. Stop trying to mark your territory.

Pretty easy, right? There is a limited amount of space. Limited space doesn’t mean “I’ll take all of it so that bitch with the Pomeranians has to prep on the bar.” Nope. As we were all taught in kindergarten, space is for sharing and by spreading out your crap so thin that we can literally park a Great Dane between your crate, you’re making us forget that “No biting/hitting/screaming thing.”

Try putting your crate here now, Bitch.

4. Clothes are not optional.

This is not Nevada (And even if it is, put it away hussy).  We are not selling ourselves like wares on the street. For the love of god, at least put on a robe if you’re going on a walking jaunt at 6am.

The Dude abides…basic dress code etiquette.

5. On-leash doesn’t mean off-leash because you’re special. 

On-leash means, let us break this down for you, On A Leash. It’s not “Oh he’s well trained”; it’s certainly not “Oh he’s too scared he won’t leave my side” and it is decidedly not “Oh I forgot it.” Leash rules are for our dog’s safety as much as yours. My dog may jump yours like rival gang colors just got flashed, but if my dog is on a leash where a leash rule is in place I’m not liable and you’re the douche-weasel who just got their dog injured and possibly mine. Thanks. We hate you.

Pretty fly for a Boston.

6. X-pens are not for your dog aggressive English Mastiff.

Does this really need explanation? There is a realistic physical limit to what an open-topped metal cookie sheet ring can contain. Also, if you have a known aggressive dog (We’ve all been there, it sucks), don’t make yourself a pariah and please park yourself appropriately far from the melee that is the show ring crush.

Assholes must park their shit at least 50 yards away

7. It’s a small world, don’t be a twatwaffle.

The number of people who show or trial their dogs is getting smaller all the time. Locally, if we don’t know you, we have a mutual friend and we know all your dirty, dirty behavior. Everyone loves good gossip so your goal should be not to give us any. Like really, we can spread that shit around like John Deere, and hotel etiquette is important to us. If we find out that you’re the reason why we now have to stay an hour away from the showgrounds at a more expensive hotel, expect a Dog Snobs feature complete with a poll to suggest nicknames. Pro-tip, they will all involve poop.

Poop flavored syrup

8. Lobby behavior

When you’re in the lobby with your dog… make it behave or you need to leave. While waiting for Fang in the lobby at Eukanuba, Potnoodle observed three different dogs peeing on various parts of the lobby and one particularly nasty Cocker Spaniel lunge at everyone in the lobby, nearly connecting with a bell hop. A swift kick up the behind of the owner/handler would not have been out-of-line, but alas there would have been no hose to rinse off the flip-flops.

 

Make it $10 and you’ve got a deal.

**Did we miss any cardinal rules of staying at hotels during dog events?  Do you have a story of a particularly egregious incident?  We want to hear, so share below!**

WTF Wednesday

11 Jul

We love our dogs. Probably more than is totally healthy. Still, we haven’t yet descended to the level of having our dogs sit at the dinner table with us or feeding them with spoons.

There’s a lot to disturb us here.  A Shih-tzu with a severe Napolean complex appears to have murdered a wolfhound and turned his body into a robot straight out of an 80’s Sci-fi movie. The real question is, where’s the joy stick? Also, why must the backplate be vaguely scrotum shaped?

If you’re in desperate need of this ghastly product, you’re out of luck. They’re all sold out. That means there are actual people that own them…