What Dog Sports Look Like to the Outside World: Part 2

28 Jun

Back by popular demand, we add to the list of what dog sports must look like to outsiders.

Altered Conformation

A drag show for dogs. Suspect duct-tape is involved. Still allows for an alarming amount of hairspray. Absence of awkwardly framed balls in every picture disconcerting.

This is a ball free zone. Not a free balling zone.

Canine Freestyle

Solo Square Dancing. Bonus points for an ability to sew massive amounts of sequins on to matching dog/human outfits. High degree of unfounded interest in Billy Ray Cyrus.

Billy Ray You Sexy, Sexy, Man Beast.

Hog trials

Dogs literally bringing home the bacon. Massive amounts of camo make us suspect this might not actually be a real sport and instead a hobby for the weekends there is no Nascar.

Those Wellies Cost more than a Dale Jr. Figurine. Think about it.

Dryland mushing

People with Balto fantasies and no actual desire to be cold. Possibly insane since they are willing to ride on a cart at high speed at the whim of spitzes.

I saw the movie, I bought this husky. How much harder can it be?

Rally Obedience

Human follows road signs to get from point a to point b in the most indirect route possible. Dog looks on baffled but will assist owner in chasing their own tail. Inexplicably accompanied by lots of clapping and kissing noises.

There may have been some alcohol involved there.

Lure coursing

Not sure if either owner or dog knows the thing flying around is a bag. Needs further study.

If this is the end goal, you’re using the wrong bag.

Disc

Dog gymnastics. College kids that never quite got over being picked last for ultimate frisbee.

I brought my own frisbee this time! Guys? Guys?

Dachshund Racing

Flying weiners. Sorry, can’t get farther than snickering about weiners.

Terrier Sprints

Small dogs dashing around over pipes, inside construction fencing while wearing brightly colored vests. Possibly Dog-centric Mario LARP-ing.

We never said it was good LARP.

Carting

For people that REALLY wanted a pony as a child, but didn’t actually live with Daddy Warbucks. Not sure why they didn’t acquire a pony as an adult. Suspect it’s due to cost of poop bags.

Lassie never had to do this shit.

KNPV

Some guy just got hit with a dog and then he rode a bicycle. It’s all very Dutch.

Yeah it really is that ridiculous.

Bikejoring

Also involves a bike and a disconcerting lack of concern for personal well-being. Once again suspect the Dutch/Dutch Courage.

This makes more sense.

Skiijoring

What the hell? Didn’t we just see this? Oh, skis. Is -joring German for put your life in your dog’s paws?

Too smart to latch himself to the dog.

Dog Scootering

This is ridiculous. Use your own two feet already!

The dog is running from the embarrassment of that scooter.

Cani-Cross

Oh…. Ha. Ha. “Own two feet”. I’m pretty sure they already had a name for this e.g. Train your damn dog not to pull you over.

Wow, he must be a champion.

 

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3 Responses to “What Dog Sports Look Like to the Outside World: Part 2”

  1. Shearaha June 29, 2013 at 12:06 am #

    Is it bad that when I saw IKNPV I went “I can’t wait until I get my Dutchie so we can do this too!”?

  2. Merciel June 29, 2013 at 12:55 am #

    HAA that summary for KNPV is the best I’ve ever seen. Reposted to Facebook (with attribution, of course!).

  3. Dawg55 June 14, 2014 at 11:39 pm #

    Nosework, barn hunts needs to be focused!

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