Ask the Dog Snobs Round Two

11 Jun

Dear Dog Snobs,

I work at an animal hospital and about half of our calls start with “I know this is a weird question but…” The question I have for you is how do I tell someone, politely, that they are an idiot?  “My Blue Heeler/Australian Shepherd/Jack Russell/name the high energy breed is driving us crazy.  He just runs and runs all the time and if we keep him in the house he tears it up.”  What did you think you were buying?  Why do breeders sell dogs like this to people who have no clue what they are getting?  He was bred to run all day long.  Give him a job and exercise him or you are going to have problems.  I get a totally blank stare back like I am speaking a foreign language.  Thank you for letting me rant.  

–Lisa

Dear Lisa,

First, it sounds like you need a padded desk so you don’t hurt yourself when you beat your head into the desk repeatedly each time you get an idiot on the phone. Sadly, calling people idiots to their faces has not become standardly acceptable. If you owned the business I’d say go to town, but since you don’t and have that whole “needing to get paid”  thing going on, we need to give you a better coping strategy. Of course you could attempt to educate them on the exercise needs of their dog, but we’ve found that people who find it necessary to ask why their high-energy breed doesn’t sleep all day generally won’t be responsive to reason. If you are southern, you can frequently get away with ‘Bless your heart’ or some variation on the theme. It essentially implies a level of stupid requiring divine intervention because there’s jack-all we can do for it.  Even if you aren’t southern, you can totally bust out a fake accent while blessing their hearts. As it stands however, non-committal noises and a dart-board in the staff room may serve you better in the long run.

Sincerely,

The Dog Snobs

Dear Dog Snobs

I have miniature pinschers.  The seemingly endless “is that one of them mini Dobermans?” Drives me to distraction; and that’s a short trip!  I have miniature pinschers.  The next thing that comes out is something like “not a Chihuahua?” ………… Tired of explaining the history of my breed.  What’s a good retort to the obvious?   

–Julie

Dear Julie,

We recommend that you obtain a Doberman by whatever means you see fit. Then,  when people inevitably ask if the Miniature is a puppy of the obviously younger Doberman, shake your head, sigh, and say “No, the big one was supposed to stay that size but it just kept growing!” Unfortunately, people are always going to ask dumb questions.  We generally do our best to avoid this by not making eye contact with people and pretending not to hear them when they say stupid things.

Sincerely,

The Dog Snobs

Dear Dog Snobs,

I have a two year Old English Bulldog.  He has all of the normal bull-headed traits that go with bully breeds which makes training challenging an adventure.  We have started walking him since out Rott died.  Walking the two of them together was not an option because there are many loose dogs in the area.  By themselves they were fine with other dogs but together they went into “protect mom from the approaching demon hound” mode.  He’s pretty good about not pulling on the leash and is pretty content to walk beside me.  The problem is that he feels the need to stare up at me adoringly instead of paying attention to where we are going.  This leads to him walking into my legs, leaving me tripping over his bulk.  Do you have any ideas of how to get him to keep his eyes on the road and off of me?  I know how awesome and wonderful I am already and would like to be able to walk without running into my own personal doggy roadblock.  Thanks for your suggestions,

–Harmony

Dear Harmony,

We think you should utilize his idolization of you and have an OTCh bulldog. If he’s going to stare adoringly, you might as well harness it for good instead of evil. Teaching the correct heel position takes some time, but we feel it would allow your canine stalker to admire you from up close without becoming a speedbump. Or maybe just get a snausage on the end of a stick and hang it in front of him. One of those, for sure.

Sincerely,

The Dog Snobs

Dear Dog Snobs,

I know you profess to be….well… dog snobs but how do you feel about those people who are truly, utterly, hatefully dog snobs? Those people who tell you that you are doing NOTHING right and that you should rehome the dog then when you announce you are going to rehome the dog, they jump on you for that?

–Pam

Dear Pam,

We tell those people to fuck off. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone also has a rectum. Some people spew from both ends at the same time. We also would tell you that those people aren’t dog snobs, they’re just hateful and are not people you need to associate with. This actually sounds like an internet forum phenomenon we are all too familiar with. In any internet forum, there are people who give less-than-tactful advice (albeit sound advice), but they tend to be overwhelmed by the cacophony of jerky dogpiling that ensues. The key is to be able to sort out the chaff and not be overwhelmed by the repetitive nature of the internet. If you’re feeling that overwhelmed however, it’s usually a good sign to step-away and distance yourself from the people professing to help you. It’s not helpful or kind and it won’t enrich your life.

Sincerely,

The Dog Snobs

Dear Dog Snobs,

I’ve noticed that my foster pups’ poops are a nice size to be shot in a slingshot at asshole neighbors. My question is; How long should I let them age to obtain maximum velocity yet still maintain a nice “splattering” effect on impact? I mean, too moist and mooshy and they would be slow and probably even fall apart, but too dry and hard they would lose their properties of being… well, shit. I’m sure you can see my dilemma here, and I’d really appreciate your input and expertise.

–Jim

Wow, good thing you asked us this very important question.  We have the perfect solution.  First, you must use Poop Freeze to solidify the turds, but remember to do so lightly as to maintain some of the desired consistency.  Mind you, finding the happy spot between frozen missile and splattery mess may take some experimentation.  However, once they are frozen to your liking, use your Turd Burglar to slapshot those suckers at your neighbors.  We suggest wearing a face mask for obvious reasons.  Also, note that form is key in an endeavor like this, so we suggest you watch some professional hockey games first so that you can perfect your swing.

Sincerely,

The Dog Snobs

**Have More Burning Questions for The Dog Snobs? Send them to thedogsnobs@gmail.com and we’ll get to them eventually!**

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22 Responses to “Ask the Dog Snobs Round Two”

  1. Mellafabulous June 11, 2013 at 3:01 am #

    Ha! I have Italian Greyhounds and am constantly asked about my ‘mini-greyhounds’, greyhound babies, miniature dobermans, or long legged chihuahuas. I’m considering getting my dogs signs to wear.

    • houndsofgrey June 11, 2013 at 5:10 pm #

      I have greyhounds, and get the “Oh, my wife used to breed the mini ones” sort of comment. All. The. Time.

      Have also heard:
      “why would someone shave a Schnauzer?” (said to her companion, not directly to me or I’d have had the answer for her)
      “Pretty Great Dane”
      “Look! A giant Jack Russel Terrier!” (my poor hound almost cried at that)
      “is that a greyhound or a whippet?” x10000
      “is that an Italian Greyhound?” x1000
      “Is that a Saluki?” x2 (you know Saluki, but you don’t know Greyhound?)

      • Mellafabulous June 11, 2013 at 5:22 pm #

        OMFG, we get those too! The ‘great dane’ floored me. I just walked away without answering. Whippet is fairly common for us as well. Or ‘OMG LOOK AT THE BABY DEER’.

        And don’t get me started on the current Jenna Marbles (youtube comedienne*) who owns an IG. My dogs get called ‘Kermit’ all the freakin’ time.

        *comedienne is loosely used.

      • houndsofgrey June 11, 2013 at 5:56 pm #

        I’d never heard of her, so I’m going to go ahead and blame YOU for the horrible, un-funny thing I just watched… okay, I only actually *looked* at it for the first few, hoping one of the dogs would bite her, and then I moved to another tab until she started talking. But my clever avoidance of exposure doesn’t mitigate your crime!

      • Mellafabulous June 11, 2013 at 6:04 pm #

        Ha! Don’t blame me, man. Although, there is ONE video I snickered over. The ‘How to talk to people in clubs’ or something like that.

  2. silverflame819 June 11, 2013 at 6:45 am #

    HAHAHA! I seriously laughed out loud at “We tell those people to fuck off.” I was not expecting that. Fantastic!!! 😀

  3. Dayna Dawn Small (AKA Dayna Barter) June 11, 2013 at 12:30 pm #

    I have Cardigan Welsh Corgis, and I’m constantly asked what kind of a mix they are. Or, I get the requisite “what happened to his legs?” question. I’ve started telling them that cutting the legs off was the easy part — it was sewing the feet back on that was tough!! I’ve also been known to tell them they’re Bonsai Shepherds.

  4. Kimm June 11, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

    I have Rottweilers, and I don’t know how many times I’ve been asked “how much that rock wilder” weigh? Now I just say about 200 lbs because inevitably the person asking has one bigger and badder than the one I have (read your standard people) – and that always shuts them up!

  5. Hounded and Happy June 12, 2013 at 4:05 am #

    We have Irish Wolfhounds and my husband finally got tired of the ‘it’s a horse’ comments, and took to snootily correcting them with ‘these are giant chihuahuas’. It is quite amazing how many people will actually believe that.

    • Lynne Connelly September 27, 2013 at 10:06 am #

      I just sigh at the horse remarks and move on. I do like “Now, THAT’S a dog!”

  6. Jennifer June 13, 2013 at 4:35 am #

    My mentor told people when she got her rottweiler puppy that he was a Schnauzer/Poodle mix. She got some of the most hysterical “do whut?!” faces I’ve ever seen.

  7. Dr. Jo June 17, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

    I have a black and tan English shepherd, and I’m always getting “that’s one o’ them long-haired Rotties, ain’t it?”

    Sheesh.

  8. Barb June 18, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

    I know somebody with Miniature Manchesters that also always gets the dobie question. She responds that they are the same breed. However, the gene to control the size is in the tail. Since dobies don’t have one, they don’t have the ability to remain small, like her dogs. Love it!

  9. Bangles June 26, 2013 at 12:14 am #

    Our family always used to get “Oh it’s a baby Lassie” whenever we walked our Shetland Sheepdog, if you told them “No, she’s a Sheltie” we normally just got blank stares. It was hard not to smother the odd person with compliments who would say “Oh what a pretty Sheltie”

  10. rontuaru June 26, 2013 at 1:55 am #

    I’ve had ACDs for over 17 years and I still get told (Yes, told, not asked) they’re Dingos. Yes, as a matter of fact they are. And they’ll eat your baby.

  11. Fran Prince September 26, 2013 at 10:19 am #

    I have a French bulldog and people are forever asking if she is a Pug ( just an FYI, she is a beautiful example of the breed) When I respond that she is a Frenchie , they look quizzically and say “are you sure”? I want to say.. I saw her parents.. have her papers and know her breeder, dimwit.. but just shake my head and say yes..
    The other comment which REALLY pisses me off is when people feel the need to comment on how UGLY my dog is..Umm have you looked in the mirror lately.. Yes I do say that.. I have neither solicited your opinion ,nor do I want it..And the ugly kid in the stroller? I haven’t commented on its’ looks..

  12. cheryl September 26, 2013 at 10:55 am #

    We are always asked if our Weimaraners are Grey Hounds……….. Well, at least they had the correct color……. Amazing how the Weims look at us with the “really????” face.

  13. harukovelvet September 26, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

    I have a black tri tailed aussie. She is fairly light boned and doesn’t have a lot of fluff. To some extent I expect the “oh is that a border collie?” comments, because most normal people aren’t accustomed to aussies with tails. But it really throws me for a loop when I’m asked if she’s a Berner. My dog is only 40lbs. Tri does not equal Berner!

  14. Mountain Poodle September 26, 2013 at 12:50 pm #

    I was recently asked if my Standard Poodle was one of those “Labradoodles”. Now mind you, my bitch is a champion show dog (i.e. decent representation of the breed) and she had been recently groomed in a Miami. You know… topknot, long ears, bracelets, shaved face etc. There is no accounting for stupid.

  15. Marilyn September 26, 2013 at 2:18 pm #

    I have a Manchester Terrier -St . . . inevitably get the “I love Min Pins” . . .My response, “I don’t . . . they look too much like a chihuahua”. If it’s not that, it “Is that Mini-Doby?”. My response: “There’s no such thing”

  16. nuviyamals November 12, 2014 at 5:11 pm #

    I have Malamutes and of course always get: “Oh I LOVE Huskies!”

    But my personal favorite is when the local yokels (my friend calls them “Hoe-de-DOHs”) come up to our grooming area at dog shows and we get: “Lookit’ ma, that’s one of them there wolf dogs.”

    Bless their heart!

  17. Serena December 5, 2014 at 2:19 am #

    Every time I walk our 2yr old black/white BC and 6yr old red tri australian shepherd people ask if they’re sibling–as in litter mates. No.

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