Archive | June, 2013

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

30 Jun
Option A

Option A

 

 

Option B

Option B

 

If you said Option B was the dog toy you’d be… wrong.  That’s right,  Option A is the Kong Pacifier dog toy. Option B is….we don’t want talk about Option B. We suggest that if you own either of these that you don’t leave them sitting around the house.  Your guests will thank you.

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What Dog Sports Look Like to the Outside World: Part 2

28 Jun

Back by popular demand, we add to the list of what dog sports must look like to outsiders.

Altered Conformation

A drag show for dogs. Suspect duct-tape is involved. Still allows for an alarming amount of hairspray. Absence of awkwardly framed balls in every picture disconcerting.

This is a ball free zone. Not a free balling zone.

Canine Freestyle

Solo Square Dancing. Bonus points for an ability to sew massive amounts of sequins on to matching dog/human outfits. High degree of unfounded interest in Billy Ray Cyrus.

Billy Ray You Sexy, Sexy, Man Beast.

Hog trials

Dogs literally bringing home the bacon. Massive amounts of camo make us suspect this might not actually be a real sport and instead a hobby for the weekends there is no Nascar.

Those Wellies Cost more than a Dale Jr. Figurine. Think about it.

Dryland mushing

People with Balto fantasies and no actual desire to be cold. Possibly insane since they are willing to ride on a cart at high speed at the whim of spitzes.

I saw the movie, I bought this husky. How much harder can it be?

Rally Obedience

Human follows road signs to get from point a to point b in the most indirect route possible. Dog looks on baffled but will assist owner in chasing their own tail. Inexplicably accompanied by lots of clapping and kissing noises.

There may have been some alcohol involved there.

Lure coursing

Not sure if either owner or dog knows the thing flying around is a bag. Needs further study.

If this is the end goal, you’re using the wrong bag.

Disc

Dog gymnastics. College kids that never quite got over being picked last for ultimate frisbee.

I brought my own frisbee this time! Guys? Guys?

Dachshund Racing

Flying weiners. Sorry, can’t get farther than snickering about weiners.

Terrier Sprints

Small dogs dashing around over pipes, inside construction fencing while wearing brightly colored vests. Possibly Dog-centric Mario LARP-ing.

We never said it was good LARP.

Carting

For people that REALLY wanted a pony as a child, but didn’t actually live with Daddy Warbucks. Not sure why they didn’t acquire a pony as an adult. Suspect it’s due to cost of poop bags.

Lassie never had to do this shit.

KNPV

Some guy just got hit with a dog and then he rode a bicycle. It’s all very Dutch.

Yeah it really is that ridiculous.

Bikejoring

Also involves a bike and a disconcerting lack of concern for personal well-being. Once again suspect the Dutch/Dutch Courage.

This makes more sense.

Skiijoring

What the hell? Didn’t we just see this? Oh, skis. Is -joring German for put your life in your dog’s paws?

Too smart to latch himself to the dog.

Dog Scootering

This is ridiculous. Use your own two feet already!

The dog is running from the embarrassment of that scooter.

Cani-Cross

Oh…. Ha. Ha. “Own two feet”. I’m pretty sure they already had a name for this e.g. Train your damn dog not to pull you over.

Wow, he must be a champion.

 

OMG WTF GTFO Wednesday: Once again the idiots confound us

26 Jun

So it recently came to our attention that several dog hating and pitbull hating blogs and websites have been sharing us.   To them, we say “WTF?”.

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

To be clear, we LOVE dogs here at The Dog Snobs.  Obviously.  We wouldn’t let our lives be controlled by them if we didn’t.  If you haven’t gathered that by now, you’ve got some issues that require a tutor and a few third graders to resolve. While we may poke fun at certain breeds (this is a satire site after all), we are 100% pro-dog.  The dog haters sharing us obviously missed that one of the Dog Snobs owns a pitbull mix.  And by own, we mean, advocates for/loves/cherishes/obsesses about her pit mix. The other two snobs both know and love many a Bully and non-bull who get grouped into BSL.

Wait, where are the Rottmeweiners! Their jaws lock!…
A dog being big doesn’t make it a pitbull.  Edumacate yourself.

To know that some of what we have written (in case you are wondering, our post on “In Over Their Head Ignoramus” has been used by these people to describe anyone who owns a bullly breed)  has been bastardized by groups with the sole purpose of maligning pitbulls and their owners is sickening.

It gives us a headache too.

Knowing that dog haters in general are reading our blog is also bothersome.  Really, you have nothing better to do than troll dog-related websites? Don’t you have a cousin you could be impregnating in the woodshed?

Obviously we don’t have control over what other people do with our words, but that doesn’t mean we have to like it. You’re entitled to your ridiculous opinion. It also means that we can tell all the dog haters out there who read our blog to fuck off.  For real.  If you don’t like dogs, GTFO.

We even opened it for you. Watch your heels on the way out.

For those of you who want to do something cool, and you know, not be a twat-monkey, consider donating your time (or money, or supplies)  to a bully or non-bully in need in your local shelter. BSL and pittie-hate is anti-dog. Be pro-dog and proactive in supporting all dogs in responsible and conscientious hands. And the next person who calls a Rottie or a Golden Retriever a pitbull gets kicked in the balls. Consider that a PSA. You’ve been warned.

"I pity the fool who could hate my under-bite and roguish charm"- Mr. T, Busybee's Pittie mix.

“I pity the fool who could hate my under-bite and roguish charm”- Mr. T
Busybee’s Pittie mix.

Petfinder Ads: Reading Between the Lines

24 Jun

If you’re anything like us, you’ve probably spent more time than you would like to admit reading through Petfinder looking at dogs who need homes.   We totally understand that the rescue’s job is to make their dogs as appealing as possible so that they can find forever homes but sometimes they go a little… overboard.  Given how much time we’ve spent trolling Petfinder, we’d like to think we’ve gotten pretty good at deciphering what some of these ads are really saying. Below we will give examples of several key phrases that we saw in current ads* and what we think they really mean.

1st dog

“loves attention”  = Say goodbye to privacy or the ability to get any work done.  Dog will be on you like white on rice.

2nd dog“LOVES people” = Will hump your leg voraciously.

woops“perfect outdoor activity companion” = If not given enough exercise, will take up parkour using your furniture.

3rd dog“He’s looking for a family to show him around and help him explore”  = Dog is agoraphobic. Will have to be dragged out by his feet.

fourth dog“talkative”  = It might be a good time to invest in earplugs.  Have neighbors?  Apologize in advance.

5th dog“If you are looking for that full terrier experience, then I might be the dog for you.” = Prepare for utter mayhem and destruction.

6th dog

“I may be small, but I come with BIG attitude.” = Will gladly tear into the underbelly of larger dogs.

*See a dog that you absolutely must have?  All of these dogs are adoptable (at the time of posting), so message us and we’ll send you their direct Petfinder link.

Did we miss anything?  What Petfinder descriptions have stood out to you in the past?  Share below!

Rough Weekends and Why We’ll do it again (and again, and again.).

23 Jun

The number of activities we can do with our dogs has grown by leaps and bounds. From obedience and agility to dock diving, lure coursing or flyball it seems pretty much endless. With endless options come endless opportunities for competition and endless shows and trials where we can spend our hard-earned cash on a chance for a dollar store ribbon.

Actual cost of a ribbon? Less than five dollars. Cost to earn ribbon? We don’t want to think about it.

Some competitions however can quickly become a long tedious descent into a level of hell Dante never thought of because he’d never tried to regain a dog’s attention who is focused on a shadow that could possibly be a bug on the ground. Today was one of those days. While it didn’t result in ‘temper tears’ (Which have happened to us, so we don’t judge) it wasn’t awesome and we need a reminder as to why we do this, and maybe some of you do too.

1) Training is about more than the end result

There’s nothing like the bond that training with your dog will bring you. It sounds hokey, but it is true. Rather that training leads to calm walks around the lake or running around a horse arena while your dog flings himself over various obstacles or picks out a leather bar you touched once from a pile of other crap… it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you are spending time with your dogs. Some of us choose to use that time to train towards a competitive goal and it becomes a passion. While the alphabet soup around our dogs’ names are appealing, it’s all an expression of the bonds we have with our dogs, just in a structured format.

He’s a bastard but I’ve spent too much time on him to kill him.

2) Competition with an ideal is healthy

People who don’t like competition have issues. Healthy competition is just that, healthy. We have standards of competition for a reason. In pretty much every competition you’re aiming towards a dynamic idea of perfection to that particular judge. An objective third party is telling you how close to that standard you reached on that day and usually what you need to work on. It’s a simple optional test of your training. You should know the material and you’ve studied hours on end. If you don’t know it, don’t enter. Being aware of your own weaknesses in training is helpful. My dog may be good but if I can make her better, why wouldn’t I?

Improve on that, we dare you.

3)  Raven Syndrome.

What does that winner have that I do not and how can I steal it and make it my own? That guy who beat me? Why did he beat me? What are they doing better than I can do that makes that difference. Judging is subjective (sometimes extremely so) but they beat me for a reason and I will know why. The answer, however tempting, isn’t their dog, it’s sometimes minor tweaking sometimes a major overhaul of something that wasn’t working. Either way, I want his mojo and I will find out how to get it to take it back to my nest so my dog will perform better next time.

It’s mine because I found it so go away *hiss*

3)  We’re Competitive.

We’re not ‘The Dog Snobs’ by accident. While we’re polite about it, we’re competitive. Your dog is great but we’re pretty sure ours are better today and now we’re going to prove it. We don’t want to compete unless we’re sure our dogs are on par (or better than) the competition because there’s a difference between titling and excelling. Titling a dog is a major accomplishment but if it’s not my dog’s best effort, it’s mediocre. We can’t be snobby in mediocrity so we work harder at being smarter and come back stronger with more effort. Effort will always count more than a ribbon but the ribbon doesn’t hurt. Unless it’s Novice, because Novice is boring.

We have time for the losers too. We have a lot of time though you probably know that.

4) The People and the Connections

Training connections are gold. If you want to know about who’s training where with whom for what, you need people on the inside and you find those insiders at clubs and if your clubs are dysfunctional places for hopes to die, you find them at competitions. You get those connections by being friendly, polite and willing to offer a hand. As always however, with some no good deed will go unpunished and there are jerks. In its defense however, for every asshole* that is not willing to help a newbie out there, there are five other competitors that will fall over themselves to get you involved in the sport. Dog People? They really do like to share the madness. There are cliques and cults, of course. (We’re pretty sure we once saw ladies exchanging a blood oath in a trial bathroom.) Those people that are too snobbish to help out the new person aren’t the ones you want to socialize with anyway. Go, make friends, bring snacks, and avoid the folks that have forgotten that they were once new too. And if someone snaps at you over something? Deep breath, blank look and walk the other way. They’re not worth your time or energy.

*Alot* of Friends.

5)  Credibility

Here’s a little secret. If I want to compete with my dog, and you are a trainer that wants to teach me how to compete with my dog… you sure as hell better have titled the dog in the sport I’m interested in. Not a novice title either, I want the good stuff. So if you want to be a dog trainer? You have to get out there. Title your dog, then start making up your business cards.

That’ll be thirty five dollars.

6) The Prizes

Okay, yeah we could order our own ribbons for cheaper than any entry fee, even the doofy toys are a nice show of accomplishment. Plus, we can subtract their cost from the entry fee and not feel like we just paraded our dogs on stage demanding pretty-feet and “booty popping” out of creatures who really don’t give a damn. Though if they had dog tiaras we’d probably*** be down for that.

It’s so classic and understated.

*To all the assholes, it’s Thumper’s rule. If you can’t be polite  or at least civil, you need to just not participate in dog activities with others. You ruin it for everyone else and you drive away the new competitors who actually allow these sports to continue. Also, trial results are easily available with minimal effort. We know who you are and have long memories**. We have a zero tolerance policy on bitchery to newbies. Educate, mentor, guide and even direct, but put on a happy face and suck it up buttercups. They’re here. They paid their entry fees just like you did. Get used to it.

Pretty much.

**As of today Fang’s list which had previously been empty reluctantly grew by one.

It’ll be forgotten by next week, but it’s fun to stew.

*** We’re already seeing if this is a thing and what we need our dogs to do to get one….

What Dog Sports Look Like to the Outside World.

22 Jun

While many of us are either involved in, or familiar with, the wide array of dog sports that exist, we must remember that the vast majority of people have no idea that the dog world extends past what they see on TV every Thanksgiving.  Below we outline what we imagine various dog sports must look like to the outside (i.e. non-dog fanatical world).

IPO/Schutzund

Angry people shouting in German while a large dog bites the Michelin Man’s ethnic cousin.

As Paula Deen’s Dog, he’s been trained never to bite the white ones.

Agility

Dog plays on colorful construction equipment while a woman in Lululemon pants and Vibram shoes runs around yelling strange words like “scramble!” and “table!”

At least his pants aren’t transparent.

Obedience

Frumpy person struts around with dog staring at them adoringly.

At least the dogs may participate in the ‘frump’.

Flyball

Lazy people yell at dog to fetch ball over and over and over without actually having to throw the ball.

Why use your arms at all?

Nosework

Dog sniffs boxes. Unfortunately, no actual drugs to be found.

All the pretty colors.

Weight-pull-

Owner is desperate to move cement blocks ten feet. Not willing to rent a front end loader.

Because that would be the easy way.

Conformation

Frumpy office managers parade at a synergy convention.

Image from image.toutlecine.com

“What do you mean I need to ‘gait livelier’”

Dock-diving

Loud indecisive gym teachers yelling at Labradors to recreate a Disney documentary.

Image courtesy of fox

“I said jump like the little lemming you are!”

Herding

Border collies moving sheep into pens and laser light shows.

Simplistic, but not inaccurate.

Treiball

Herding for the avid-indoorsman.

Typical treiball enthusiast.

Tracking

A Nature Hike without the nature.

We could get in to this kind of tracking.

Hunt Tests

Something with a duck in a box and the blind. The duck may or may not be dead but you can’t know until you open the box which still won’t help because you’re blind.

We said duck… there’s a U in there.

Earthdog

People actively encourage their dogs to fix a rat infestation.   Must be too cheap to hire exterminators.

Damn it, they brought out the schnauzers.

Barn Hunts

Made by the people who hold Earthdog trials and collect money for free rodent control. Geniuses.

Barnhunt is a new sport, as far as we know there isn’t a class for handling larger pests…

Did we offend you?

 

Tell us about it in the comments! Offended that we didn’t offend your sport? Tell us about that too!

WTF Wednesday

20 Jun

Have you ever thought “I wish my safely fenced dog could terrorize passers-by all the while maintaining a nautical flair”? If so, today’s WTF Wednesday is for you. It appears to be a puppy porthole, though they totally missed that weird dog/sailor market by calling it a Pet Peek. You know those dogs, the ones that rush the fence when you walk your dogs by, sounding like Cerebrus come to life? Wouldn’t it be great if you could see the three slavering heads  screaming at you  to  go the fuck away?

Also,from the FAQ, we can clearly see the kind of asshole that buys this product:

“You should NOT install into a fence that is shared with a neighbor, without WRITTEN PERMISSION. Place Peeks on any side of your fence that is NOT SHARED, unless you receive WRITTEN PERMISSION from that neighbor.”

 

Yeah…most people put up privacy fences for a reason (we assume they are all nudists), so making a dog-sized peep-hole into your neighbor’s yard is just bad form.  The fact that this is explicitly mentioned and warned against on the website probably means that some genius actually installed one on a shared fence and the company caught flak. Pro Tip: If they have a privacy fence, they don’t want to look at you. Good Fences Make Good Neigbours and fences with portholes result in flaming dog poop thrown over the fence.

Need a fast way to build barrier aggression in your dog? Buy yours here!

Dogs In Clothes.

18 Jun

Sundress.  Check.

Daisy Dukes. Check.

Footie pajamas. Check.

Overalls.  Check.

Sun hat.  Check.

Yellow polka-dot bikini.  Check.

 

No, we are not making a packing list for an upcoming vacation.  We’re talking about dogs who have seemingly larger wardrobes than we do.

 

While we can appreciate changing collars frequently, using bandanas to spruce up a dog’s look, wearing sweaters/jackets in cold weather in thinly coated breeds, or dressing dogs up for special occasions like Halloween or dog-related events,  we really don’t understand the need to dress dogs up as human babies on a daily basis.  Does your dog really need to have a lace dress with bows and ruffles to go outside and take a dump?  Does it make her feel pretty?  Based on most of the dogs we see dressed up in full clothing, we have a feeling that’s not pride they are feeling, but rather embarrassment and a desire to seek revenge.

While we can’t say that we’ve never dressed our dogs up for shits and giggles, the thought of actually doing so on a daily basis and in public is beyond us.   As much as we love our dogs, they are dogs.  We’re pretty sure they don’t care if their shoes (No, we’re not kidding) match their dresses/suits/rompers.   There is even an entire tumblr devoted to dogs in clothes .

 

I guess another way to look at people who dress their dogs up on a daily basis is that at least they aren’t neglecting their dogs. These dogs are clearly very well loved (heck, we don’t own Prada sunglasses) and in the grand scheme of things, dressing up your dog isn’t really hurting anyone.  But seriously, can someone explain to us why their dog needs an entire closet full of shoes, hats, and dresses?  And if you can make a compelling argument, are you willing to buy us (not our dogs, they would kill us in our sleep if we dressed them up daily) expensive clothes to increase our own wardrobes?

Do you feel like defending your dressed up dogs?  Do you envy a dog’s wardrobe?  Post below!

Sex Toy or Dog Toy Saturday

15 Jun

Ready for us to ruin another Saturday?  Ok, which one is meant for hours of entertainment with your pooch, and which one is meant for your cooch?

 

 

Option A

Option A

 

Option B

Option B

 

 

If you picked option A as the dog toy, you are correct.  For those of you who picked option B, we’re sorry.  That’s a kegel ball.  Not sure what those do?  We suggest you Google it, but not at work.  That would be awkward.

 

 

Owner Profile: In Over Their Head Ignoramus

15 Jun

Description:

Having done little to no research before obtaining a dog, the The In-Over-Their-Head Ignoramus (IOTHI) now finds themselves with a dog that they are woefully unprepared for.  These individuals likely chose a dog based on appearance or on movies/books that portrayed certain breeds, and have no idea what they are actually in for. While this is never good for a particular breed of dog, sometimes through their own good nature it all works out okay*. Dogs like Golden Retrievers, Collies, and most German Shepherds show a remarkable resilience in this kind of relationship mainly due to their willingness to please no matter how stupid the request. In some of the more independent minded breeds or more sensitive (read: prone to neuroses) breeds, this relationship will consistently turn into something inside of a “Die Hard” movie, complete with explosions and heavily accented German.

It is important to note that most IOTHIs fall into one of two subtypes:

Type 1:  These individuals realize soon after getting the dog that they are in over their head and step up to the challenge.  These are the kinds of people, who as a breeder, you would want your puppies to go to as their second dog.  Type 1 IOTHIs, upon realizing they are so far over their heads they will drown and/or be eaten by their creature, tend to take on training and socialization as a crusade.

Complete with pimp outfits.

Type 2:  Oy.  These are the ones you have to watch out for.  These are the people that usually end up tying their dog up in the yard or surrendering it to the shelter when they can no longer deal with it.  These owners are how seemingly rare breeds end up in shelters. Oddly, these are also often the repeat offenders. The Malinois was too much? Well, surely a Dutch Shepherd will work out better… only after dumping the Malinois, of course.

*The dog may be fat, under-stimulated, neurotic, bored, and untrained, but it’s probably not going to kill anyone/anything and/or be taken to be put down in a five year timespan.

Breeds Owned:

While the IOTHI doesn’t seem to own a particular breed, they do own breeds that fall in to two archetypes. They either own a herding breed that requires an insane amount of excercise (while being mostly sedentary creatures themselves) or they own incredibly rare and usually aggressive breeds. We can only assume they get these breeds (usually imports) due to some inescapable language barrier where “No” means “Yes” and “completely inexperienced means “give me that one who is trying to gnaw through steel”.

Potnoodle once saw this on a late night program on NatGeo when she was like… twelve. Yet, through a simple google search she found it. At least GOOGLE a breed before you buy it , dumbass. Be sure to watch to the end for a classic IOTHI.

Skill Level:

In reality, low. In many of their own minds, at least when they first get the dog, quite high.   Thankfully, most IOTHI are humbled by their dogs pretty quickly, realizing that they have no idea what they are doing.  The deciding factor in skill level over time, however, is whether they are a Type 1 or Type 2.  Type 1s will step up to the challenge and increase their knowledge and skills and have a good shot at ending up being an appropriate owner, while Type 2s continue to muddle through dog ownership mostly being totally oblivious to how unskilled they are and how much they are not meeting their dog’s needs.   We should also note, that there are also those IOTHIs who truly begin to believe over time that are dog experts of the highest caliber. They also aren’t shy about their “prowess”, and pass out bad advice like poop-scented business cards.

Smells like… the dog eats beneful.

Common Locations:

At the dog park with a ridiculously inappropriate dog. At training clubs, being avoided by all of the people with common sense. At breed specific events, gathering with the other idiots that own breeds they are ridiculously under-qualified for.

We’re guessing at least 1/6th are IOTHI.

Catch Phrases:  

“So I shouldn’t take my Fila to the dog park?”, “I can only take my 8 month old Border Collie on a 15 minute walk per day.  That should be enough, right?” “Why is my dog bred to bite livestock into submission trying to bite my ankles!”

Anecdotal Evidence: 

   Around the same time I got Mr. T, a neighbor (early 20s college student) came home with a German Wirehaired Pointer puppy from a local breeder.   I was honestly quite shocked, because I had literally never seen this kid stumble out of his apartment any earlier than noon.  I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and thought that maybe the dog would give him a reason to rise earlier and actually leave his apartment for a reason other than scoring weed.  However, it didn’t take long to realize that this guy was in way over his head, had no clue, and had no intention of getting a clue.  Every time we saw them (which wasn’t a lot) the puppy was a complete spaz, who clearly wasn’t getting enough socialization, exercise, or stimulation.  Apparently this kid missed the memo that said that pointers can be rather willful, are powerful and energetic, and can become bored and hard to manage without enough exercise.   About 6 months after bringing home the dog, the owner made a rare appearance outside (sans dog), and informed me that he had sent the dog back to the breeder because he wouldn’t stop chewing his couch, tearing holes in the carpet, breaking things, and so on.  He told me that the dog was just ‘wired wrong’, taking absolutely no responsibility for not having met the dogs needs in the slightest.  I was actually relieved when he said the dog had gone back, because this kid had NO idea how to raise any dog, let alone one with high energy.  I didn’t see the kid for another few months or so, which wasn’t entirely surprising, but when I did finally run into him, I was in for quite a shock.  Yep, I ran into him and his new imported German Shepherd, who only responded to commands in German.  Seriously.  The kid carried around a notecard with all the commands on it (Platz!  Platz, you dumbass!!).  This dog was a whole helluva lot of animal, and I was shocked that anyone would have given him this dog in the first place, but I guess having rich parents with fat wallets will get you far these days.  By the time I moved away about a year later, the dog had changed from a well-trained dog (due to pre-import training) to a complete maniac who completely ruled his owner’s life.  It’s now been three years since I last saw them, but I would be incredibly surprised if he still has this dog…and not at all surprised if he is now dabbling in Tibetan Mastiffs.

Fang: Have I ever mentioned the Craigslist Fila? No? Alright then, that’s a story. Filas (or Brazilian Mastiffs for the rest of us) are not what you’d call a beginner’s dog. In fact they fall under the category of ‘Probably shouldn’t be owned by someone lacking a sugar plantation and a quirky lack of concern over human life’. These are serious serious dogs within one registry* their extreme dislike of anything they were not raised with (Called ojeriza) has been likened to genetic mental illness. It’s xenophobia with teeth. So, you ask yourself, why one earth wouldn’t I want one of these actually man-eaters on my cul de sac? I really hate the neighbor kids on my lawn. The mail-lady has been gaining weight recently and a fast jog would do her some good. I’ve always wanted to see a pony-sized dent in my neighbor’s BMW when he blocks me in. To even be aware of this would require research, and in the case of **Pooper, that was clearly not the case.

Brazil: It’s where you want to be. Also, we’re bringing back the gratuitous shirtless man pictures. We missed those.

I am not ashamed to admit I tend to read Craigslist. As a hobby it beats accordion and I can usually find things to mock on the blog. I did, however, in the ‘Pets’ section notice a post which caught my eye. I’ll save you the amazing details but basically these people were in search of the man who sold them a Fila off of the aforementioned website.  I filed this information away in my head like a good little weirdo and thought nothing more of it. A month later my boss got a phone call about a dog who was creating issues at home. It was… you guessed it, a Fila! I of course was ridiculously excited. My taste for potential mayhem is only outpaced by my love of Indian food and this situation had the potential to be better than Naan (No, it didn’t. Nothing is better than naan). I begged to tag along and was appeased and the entire ride to the client’s house had me bouncing in my seat. The first question out of my mouth to these haggard people of course was where they got the dog. “Craigslist” was their somewhat embarrassed reply. They had picked up the puppy in a parking lot after reading roughly five words about the whole transaction. “Protective” “Good with kids” “$250”. Pooper of course was kind of a back-yard-bred breed typical dog. He was knocking over strange kids who came to visit and growling in their face. He was running across the street to “greet” the neighbor with barking, growling and some more charging for good measure. He also pulled on the leash which was neither here nor there.

Quick, get the spoons and soup tourine. This is a big one.

At some point they at least had the grace to look embarrassed admitting they had finally read about the breed on ‘the Google’ and were shocked at what they’re acquired. After the training session we have heard from them periodically. Pooper luckily seems to be a mild-mannered if still rude dog and he’s missed the extremes popular in his breed. His owners are what I’d call a Type 1.5. Still totally over their head but not into the training enough to really commit, but Pooper’s generally stupid nature has given them that leeway.

Free dawg. Protection 4 U. May ate ur gardeners. Srs. Replies onlee.

*The sketchy registry where a dog can’t be registered as an adult unless it actually tries to eat a judge.

**It’s not even to protect the owners. The dog was really just a shitter. Also his name rhymes with Pooper. I’ll give you one guess.

Potnoodle: My local feed-store is a pretty nifty place. Self serve dog wash, western wear, good quality dog food, and everything in between. It also allows the employees to bring their well behaved dogs to work. There was a girl that worked there that had a really nice little terrier mix that came to work with her every day. Unfortunately, she didn’t feel safe when she locked up at night so she decided to buy a Giant Schnauzer. It was a lovely little puppy, then it hit it’s teen years. She had decided to do some “personal protection” training with a local trainer who … isn’t the best. After the third time her Giant Schnauzer completed an unprompted bark and hold on someone trying on wranglers in the dressing room… she was fired.

Honestly, maybe the dog was just a fashion critic.

Do you know any In-Over-Their-Head-Ignoramuses?  Anyone care to own up to being one?  Share below!