Ask The Dog Snobs

17 May

In the first of what we will hope will be a regular column, we will be answering questions sent in by our minions.  It’s like Dear Abby, but with teeth.

Dear Dog Snobs,

I have a large breed- pretty much the largest (an Irish Wolfhound) and I am really tired of hearing the same things every time we go out: “He’s so BIG!” “He’s like a PONY!” “You could ride him!” And on and on and on. I usually just smile and nod but I’m close to hanging a sign on my dog that says YES I KNOW HOW BIG HE IS. How would you respond to the Captain Obvious brigade?

–Lindsay

 We have a few suggestions.  The first is to take the higher ground and ignore them.  But what fun would that be?  So our real suggestion is to hit these geniuses with one of the following retorts:

     “You think this is big?  You should see my husband!”

    “I sometimes ride my boyfriend like a pony. The dog just doesn’t have the same thrill”

    “Yeah, the saddle only fits me.”

     “Really, how big is he?”

Try getting that image out of your head.

Try getting that image out of your head.

Dear Dog Snobs,

My 5 year old male is obsessed with eating poo. While I understand my crew is on a raw diet of venison and I’m sure is appealing to him, it’s totally repulsive to me. I’ve tried several “remedies” (somehow incorporate pumpkin in treats, which I did among others) and he still fiends for the poo!! WTH is wrong with him?? If I put him out with one of my girls he literally busts his balls by all means to catch the turd before it hits the ground. Yes I have video of this. Gross but get I’m a dog mom so I don’t need an explanation. Any suggestions, input or remedies would be appreciated/interesting and most likely attempted by me to stop this madness!!

—Janine

This in a nutshell is why we don’t do dog kisses (except for BusyBee, who couldn’t avoid them if she tried). Clearly you need to get a poo trap for your other dogs so your male can’t make a buffet of lawn turds.   Scratch that.  That’d be stupid.  What you actually should do is….

     -Try adding pineapple to your dog’s diet. For some reason it makes poop taste gross to some dogs.

     -There are many mass marketed products you can try (just look on Amazon)

     -Pumpkin is for loose stool or constipation, most dogs like it going in so the fact that your dog finds it tasty coming  out isn’t all that surprising.

     -Put on a basket muzzle whenever he goes outside, if it worked for Hannibal Lecter it should work for your dog. Human flesh/dog shit… equally disgusting.

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Dear Dog Snobs,

Why do people cross the road or leave the dog path when they see my shepherd coming down the street?

—Dana

To get to the other side? Oh wait, that’s the chicken. Hmmm… Perhaps they don’t want to be seen my such a magnificent creature. You know, like how people don’t want their picture taken with other people that are more attractive than them? Otherwise, it could be any number of reasons: they don’t like dogs, they’re afraid of dogs or that body odor issue you thought was under control isn’t (Seriously, see a doctor.). In all seriousness as people who’ve had some breeds who get ‘bad reputations’ (Or in Potnoodle’s case, fluffy reputations), we get it.  It can be hard not to take it personally, but we suggest just ignoring those dumbasses and continuing to strut your stuff proudly down the street with your gorgeous dog . We suggest sparkles or outfits.

You know how we do

Dear Dog Snobs,

A close (non-dog) friend recently asked for my assistance finding a dog. After listening to me talk for hours about responsible breeders and rescue she bought two (two!)  puppies of a breed I specifically told her to avoid from a backyard breeder. What’s the best way to kill her and make sure no one finds her body?

— Ignored and Enraged

 

Good question.  We feel your rage.  We really, do.  We can’t actually give you advice on committing a crime, but, “hypothetically”, what you should do is ….. well we’ll tell you that part via email. Really though, we get it.  Maybe a slap upside the head?  A punch to the throat?  A kick to the babymaker? All totally deserved.  Also, when her puppies inevitably drive her crazy or come up with a smorgasbord of health issues, we highly encourage you to do the “I told you so” dance like this or that.

It even has the soda can for comparison!


***Have a question you want The Dog Snobs to tackle?  EMAIL them to us at thedogsnobs@gmail.com***

 

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3 Responses to “Ask The Dog Snobs”

  1. Anna May 18, 2013 at 12:21 am #

    My answer to the first question: I look down in shock at my 100+ pound Central Asian Shepherds & say “You’re right! They’re HUGE! All this time I thought they were Pomeranians!”

  2. Tom Mahoney May 18, 2013 at 1:08 am #

    I wouldn’t give hints on committing a crime either, but I’ve heard that human DNA does not show up in vulture poop.

  3. Jessica June 1, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

    Another answer to the second question could be that maybe the approaching dog is reactive. I have a reactive dog and I try to maintain as much distance from an approaching dog as I can, no matter what the breed. I will veer off the path for a Pomeranian! So, keep that in mind, and don’t be offended if someone goes out of their way to keep their dog away from yours. I’d actually be thrilled if people were that respectful of my dogs! (oh wait, maybe you mean people without dogs. LOL. That’ never even occurred to me that people would go out walking without a dog!)

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