Where Do Puppies Come From?: Why We Judge People Who Have Oops Litters

10 May

As the prize for winning the first-ever Dog Snob photo contest, Ali B. earned the right to choose any topic of her choice for us to riff on, and boy did she pick a doozie.  Ali consulted with her friends from vet school and came up with the idea of judging “idiot owners that didn’t expect their unneutered pets to have sex.”  Yes, this is an idea we can get behind…ew…we mean…on board with.

 

So perhaps we should start out by explaining the birds and the bees, or in this case the intact dogs and bitches.  When a mommy dog and a daddy love each other….oh wait.  Nevermind.  When a dog and bitch are left alone together…they will get it on.  (cue Barry White)

 

Below are some examples (many of which are common threads on Yahoo! Answers of things idiot owners will say when their intact dogs end up mating.  We’re pretty certain (fine, 100% sure) that if one of these thoughts ever crosses your mind, you are NOT ready to keep intact dogs.  Or procreate yourselves.  Or read our blog.

 

“But they’re siblings!!”

Yes, of course your dogs know that incest is wrong.  Given that your dogs aren’t confused, horny pre-pubescent teens reading “Flowers in the Attic” , we’re pretty sure that they have no idea what incest is even is.

 

Girl, you like fiiiiine

Girl, you like fiiiiine

 

“I thought they would know better!”

Oh, you thought your dogs understood our human ideas of right and wrong?

That’s nice. Keep that in mind the next time your dog gets sick from eating something gross or runs after a squirrel. Some things are inevitable, like the tragedy that will befall you if you utter these words.

 

It’s not just a dog food, kids.

 

“Well, they’re totally different sizes!”

Because that’s ever stopped two dogs before.  Have you noticed how many dogs are part Dachshund?  Those little fuckers get around.

 lil frank meme

 

 


“I only left them alone for a minute!”

We’re not saying your bitch got any satisfaction out of it, just that you let her get pregnant. Dogs are like teenage boys–it only takes a second. Also, they often smell bad and will hump anything with a pulse.

“Yeah, I can do plenty of bad things before you get back, enjoy your trip.”

“We have five dogs in the house, its nearly IMPOSSIBLE to prevent a pregnancy”

So you authorized a doggy gang bang? If you aren’t smart enough to prevent a

pregnancy… spay the bitch, neuter the dog, and punch yourself in the throat.

It’s like a doggy diaper and a chastity belt all in one.*

“I didn’t want the dog to leave blood on the upholstery so I tied her up outside.”

Right, because obviously having puppies is MUCH less messy. Dog Birth is like a scene from “Carrie”, if Carrie licked up the mess afterwards. It’s gross. If you don’t want to spay your dog, get hot pants.

It’s not quite a kotex ad, but you get the gist.

 

“I didn’t know he was mating with her, I thought they were just playing!”

They were playing….hide and seek.

Not quite what they meant by the dog being tied

Not quite what they meant by the dog being tied

*belly bands do NOT actually work as chastity belts. Don’t try it, dumbass.

What are the worst excuses you’ve ever heard given for accidental litters?  Rage on, minions, rage on!

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18 Responses to “Where Do Puppies Come From?: Why We Judge People Who Have Oops Litters”

  1. cyne May 10, 2013 at 10:20 pm #

    “But I TOLD you she was in heat! How could you let this happen??”
    “That was last week.”
    Don’t assume a man will understand or remember anything you tell him.

  2. TheRedQueen May 10, 2013 at 10:21 pm #

    My dad used to tell us that the animals at the zoo ran out of gas…the one behind was just giving the first one a push up the hill. That or they were playing leap-frog.

    I should add, I rescue animals, and I have an intact male (Wiener dog, no less…) and he has yet to impregnate anyone…though not for lack of trying (he hasn’t figured out that his Aussie sister is spayed, or he just doesn’t give a shit). We’ve had a few intact females come through the house and even go through heat cycles, and he still hasn’t impregnated one. What a concept…keep them separated through solid doors, don’t let them out together, etc, etc, etc. It’s not rocket science.

  3. Laurie May 10, 2013 at 10:58 pm #

    My sister bred her Great Pyr cause she wanted her children to see the “beauty of childbirth”. I told her to show up at the shelter I used to work at on Tuesdays to see the big red garbage truck that came to take the bodies away. They might as well see it from both ends….

  4. Jean Wilson May 10, 2013 at 11:28 pm #

    OMG – I’m going to have to save this for posterity – I about peed myself laughing so hard, especially at the doxy part !! Definitely agree – if you have uttered any of these phrases, you should not own intact dogs, or be intact yourself for that matter !!

  5. scareduck May 11, 2013 at 12:18 am #

    I LURVE THIS BLOG.

  6. Judy Gallamore May 11, 2013 at 12:42 am #

    Most often the reason for that unplanned litter can be traced back to the husband or son. They are so sympathetic to any guy with horns and an opportunity.

    • barbararuth May 11, 2013 at 4:43 pm #

      Lol – there was an unspayed female in the dog park who drove my dog crazy. He’s neutered and a good on leash, but he would pull me HARD across the park to get to this one. The owner would laugh and say, “Atta boy! Go for it!” like a frat boy at a strip club. It was creepy. The guy didn’t get how inappropriate his behavior was on so many levels.

  7. Cathy May 11, 2013 at 12:47 am #

    LOL! I remember the people a couple of blocks from us when I was a kid that had a St Bernard bitch and male Chihauhau. they didn’t worry about it when she came in season – said it wasn’t possible. That was until they came home and found her backed up to the coffee table! A dozen of the funniest looking puppies you’ve ever seen.

  8. Lindsey May 11, 2013 at 9:39 am #

    “But he/she was too young!”
    “A dog must have gotten in our [4 foot broken down] fence”
    “the kids/husband/roommate let them out – they didn’t know”

  9. Donna May 11, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

    I had a neighbor that had 5 children but didn’t seem to grasp the concept of a female in season. They had a female mixed breed and Sylvia was in season. She had been tied outside but the neighbor turned her loose after finding a line of males going half way around the block waiting their turn. Her philosophy for doing this? So Sylvia could run from them! Sadly, they got rid of Sylvia before she had the puppies. This same family send one of the children over to get me because their “new” boy puppy was having problems. They thought his guts were falling out. No, not his guts, it was his penis!

  10. lizzie May 13, 2013 at 1:30 pm #

    The best question I got at the clinic I worked at, “Is there a morning after pill for dogs?”. *head desk*

    • Aaron September 17, 2013 at 4:05 am #

      Nope. Only a shot.

      • bitterzuur November 5, 2013 at 1:09 pm #

        Just do a spay. Also “fixes” future problems.

  11. Nicole Detmers May 13, 2013 at 4:08 pm #

    LOVE THIS POST!!!!

  12. Diana June 8, 2013 at 5:29 am #

    “But she was wearing pants.” Real comment.

    Speechless.

  13. Linda June 18, 2013 at 3:05 am #

    I once talked to a guy in the park who had a really gorgeous mixed breed intact male. He was looking for someone with a female who wanted to breed them. He wanted his male to have the experience so he would get it out of his system. I asked him, gently, if he had sex just once, would that get it out of his system? You should have seen the look on his face.

  14. H. Houlahan June 26, 2013 at 5:35 pm #

    Wait, wait, can I have a TANGENTIAL rant here?

    What about a breeder (coff … puppymill … coff) who offers for sale without comment the offspring of a one-year-old bitch and the bitch’s own sire?

    Yeah, what about that?

    There are two possibilities: You or your pack of children failed to carry through the security measures that you should probably have down by now, considering that you shill at least six litters a year, all sired by a dog you own, who just happens to be the perfect match for every bitch you have on the place.

    Or you did it deliberately.

    Failing to include the proactive mea culpa about the first possibility in your marketing verbiage about what wonderful puppies these are means that the second possibility is still on the speculative table.

    No one thinks more highly of you for an intentional first-degree inbreeding of a teenage puppy-bitch than they do if your kid left the gate open.

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