Descend into the Void: Yahoo! Answers: Dog Snob Version

4 May

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question never spent any time on internet forums.  Even a quick search of various dog-related forums will yield an alarmingly large amount of stupid questions, most of which make us want to beat our heads (or better yet, the heads of the people asking them) against a wall.   Below we have taken a stab at answering some of the best (read: worst) questions we found.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.11.23 PM

ANSWER:

Seriously?  What’s going to happen is that your dog is going to be in a lot of pain and possibly could die if you don’t get off the freaking internet and get your dog to a vet.  Also verb tenses are important. Get with the program, fucktard.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-04-30 at 6.03.25 PM

ANSWER:

So, your eight week old puppy has been sick five times, presumably since you’ve had her. Exactly how long have you had the dog? Wait, she hasn’t “ate or drank” anything? Why haven’t you gone to the vet yet? Oh right, you were too busy asking questions on the internet.

QUESTION:Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.12.39 PM

ANSWER:

There is so much wrong here that it’s hard to know where to start so we won’t. Just bask in the idiocy.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.12.29 PM

ANSWER:

While this is totally a legit concern (at least according to BusyBee, who swears she isn’t the original poster), we can’t say we recommend viagra for dogs.  Penis pumps are a whole different story, however.  Also, measuring your neighbor’s dog’s penis (The apostrophes are important there) might land you a court date with animal control. Just sayin’

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.12.20 PM

ANSWER:

Yes.  It’s the dog.  Also, we have a bridge to sell you.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.12.08 PM

ANSWER:

Is this for real?  We hope not.  Well actually, it would be pretty spectacular to imagine a dog that revenge pees on his dumbass owner on a regular basis. On another note, what (or more disturbingly who) else could be peeing on you?

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 6.59.35 PM

ANSWER:

We’ve logged your IP address. We’ve contacted the authorities. Please keep your underwear on until they arrive.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 6.54.10 PM

ANSWER:

I think your dog is on to something. If you don’t understand the answer, ask her. She’ll be in the corner, smirking.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 6.52.46 PM

ANSWER:

Yes it’s weird. That you’ve announced it on a public forum is even weirder and we question your mental status. Luckily there is a whole category (Subcategory? God please let it be a sub-sub-category) of people who pretend to be species they are not, as adults and in large undulating piles. Maybe you’ll find your “Six foot weasel” or in your case, six foot wiener(dog) to snuggle up to.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 6.51.52 PM

ANSWER:

Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus. I choose to believe you were asking about Santa. Let me hold my innocence for a little longer.

QUESTION:

Screen Shot 2013-05-03 at 7.34.11 PM

ANSWER:

Clearly, the answer is yes.  And if you believe this, may we suggest that both you and your dog make appointments to be sterilized.  Darwin thanks you in advance. We’ll hold our thanks until we get your spay certificate.

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10 Responses to “Descend into the Void: Yahoo! Answers: Dog Snob Version”

  1. HTPCB May 4, 2013 at 4:21 am #

    LOL! I like the way you think!

  2. Anika/Meridian May 4, 2013 at 4:32 am #

    Hey guys, keep up the good work. I’ve been a faithful reader, but I have to say this is the first post I’ve read in the presence of my boyfriend where he’s had to ask, “Are you OK?”, obviously fearing a lack of sufficient breathing thru the laughter. Kudos to you for managing to get thru that many Yahoo! Answers posts without committing a felonious act to deliver such thorough entertainment.

    • TheDogSnobs May 5, 2013 at 11:39 pm #

      Nearly dying of laughter? Our job here is done. You’re welcome.

  3. JT May 4, 2013 at 11:25 am #

    It’s times like this I think we’re really doomed as a species. -.-

  4. Pat May 4, 2013 at 9:31 pm #

    I actually do visit Yahoo Answers, and cringe at many of the questions; while I’m not thinking ‘Call. Your. Vet. NOW.’

  5. Joanna Reichert Photography May 5, 2013 at 7:25 pm #

    Ha haaaa! I used to participate on Y! Answers: Dogs for a few years. It made me too irrationally angry at people I’ve never met and I had too many grey hairs appearing, so I gave it up.

  6. AD December 24, 2014 at 5:06 pm #

    Okay the question about humping your dog might sound weird but honestly I think it is a valid question. Hear me out.. I recently stumbled upon a video of a dog trainer explaining the benefits of spitting into your dogs mouth. Seriously, after watching that video, the humping dog question.. no so bad.

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