Archive | May, 2013

WTF Wednesday

29 May

With the exception of Fang’s geriatric munchkins, we all have large dogs. Perhaps that is why we are so baffled by this Wednesday’s WTF.

Despite appearances, that is not actually a handle to assist large birds of prey in carrying your dog off. It is, in fact, a device to keep your tiny dog inside your crazy expensive wrought iron fencing.

Now, maybe our dogs are just way smarter than the average dog, but we can’t imagine it would take long before most dogs figured out they could just turn their body sideways to override the device and slip through the fence. That being said, the image of a dog repeatedly banging in to the bars with it’s cross-bar has given us quite a few laughs.

 

OK, so there are crazy dog products all over the internet, as evidenced by how regularly we are able to do the WTF Wednesday topic. Apparently though, this is a niche market because there is not only one product to cover the problem.

This one seems to be marketed more towards the “little old ladies with maltese on their balcony” set. Wouldn’t want fluffykins to make a 15 story dive from your  pastel Palm Beach condo, would you? (Is fluffykins really that dumb?)

 

Maybe it was a suicide move…

Mind your own business: A rant (AKA we don’t care how you train, so shut up about it.)

27 May

Here at the Dog Snobs, we vary in our training styles. Honestly, we don’t even discuss it in great detail, which leads us back to our title; Mind your own business. Really, we don’t care, so just shut up about it.

It comes down to this–how you train your dog is really none of our business. Harping on people who aren’t in your circle by actively seeking them out to berate is insecure and, quite frankly, obnoxious.

Too self reflective?

While we understand the passion that many people have toward dog training and behavior, what we don’t get is the shaming, harassment, and vilification of people who don’t share the same training methods. This type of behavior is most commonly found on internet forums where people can hide behind an avatar of their schnookums puppy-face while hurling insults at others. We’re also pretty sure that no one has ever been convinced to change their training styles because they were called names.* Calling someone Hitler won’t make them agree with you, it just makes you seem like a crazy person.

Congrats you found the… No I didn’t do it again. Asshole.

I bet Hitler had poopypants too. Argument made!… or lost… one of those.

We also understand that wherever you go on the internet, there are rude, ignorant people. What baffles us is that these insults are most often hurled from overzealous fingers of each training faction intent on spreading their ‘good’.

God just smote that dick on Dogster! He’s on my side! Summon the carrier pigeons!

Given how quickly and easily these conversations tend to go south, it’s amazing to us that people still devote the time they do to trafficking these training-related threads.  It’s almost as if some people enjoy fruitlessly attempting to change people’s minds that they don’t know, will never meet, and are unlikely to actually convert to a different training approach.   Seriously, imagine if they used all that passion (and time) working with their own dogs instead of picking fights on the internet.

We’re convinced they’re out there.

Also, just a general tip. The people that are giving out free advice on the internet? They generally aren’t top trainers. First Class trainers don’t have time to correct every wrong post on the internet.  They’re too busy with paying clients. So think twice before you worship a faceless avatar as the be-all end-all of dog training.

Yeah, he’s flying coach but he can totally tell you which bathroom is cleaner.

So, the moral of the story really is to just mind your business. Do your own thing.  Train your dog the way you see best fit and stop picking fights with total strangers on the internet.  Just shut up!

*Literally, we’ve seen people called pretty much every name in the book on dog forums, including the ever-so-mature “poopyhead”

In fairness, it was a public service announcement. It is apparently dangerous to be a poopyhead

Sex Toy Saturday

25 May

Honestly, we’re starting to dread Saturdays.

Option A

Option B

DogProjekt, you really just need to stop. Sure, this week is another easy one because it is labeled but, COME ON. This is really just going too far. Obviously Option B is the dog toy. However,  we suggest you watch the instructional video on the Tenga website for clarification.  Or not.  Yeah, just don’t.

Not to leave out our male readers (do we have male readers??) this week’s sex toy is ribbed for HIS pleasure. Don’t worry ladies…. you can flip it inside out and use it for yourself too. Truly a good egg.  Note that both the sex toy and the dog toy have convenient openings at the bottom that you can stuff…err…things into. If it’s peanut butter, I think they’ve just found a new sharing market.

Watching Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka will never be the same.

I suppose asking if it is cream filled would be tasteless…

Owner Profile: The Baffled Amateur

25 May

Yeah, that’s about right.

Everyone was a beginner at some point, right? Well, in this next installment of the owner profiles we are discussing that person who just never gets with the program. Somehow, even after owning a dog for years the most basic information has completely eluded them.

Are you for real?

Are you for real?

 

Description: When interacting with the Baffled Amatuer (BA), it becomes apparent that despite owning dogs for years, this person still does not understand the basics of dog training, behavior, or even anatomy.  These are individuals that no matter how much advice they get, classes they take, or reading they do, they never seems to quite “get the the hang of” dog ownership. Strangely these people often have some of the most extensive and best help available to them, yet they never quite grasp the subtleties that make basic survival possible. This causes us to wonder how the BA has managed to exist as long as they have.

 

 

Common Locations: The vet. They spend an ungodly amount of time at the vet or asking people if they should take their dog to the vet. They are also training class regulars, frequently taking and dropping out of classes when their total lack of comprehension is only topped by their dog’s utter confusion. You may also find them standing baffled in front of any number of aisles at the pet store staring vacantly as though they are communing with a world only they can see.

Fantasia can arise anew. Also, the Pupperoni is cheaper at costco.

Breeds Owned:   The BA tends to be an anomaly in breed picking. Like much of the country, the top ten breeds are exceedingly common. The BA however, will with astounding frequency, own not only uncommon, but downright rare breeds as well. How they found them, let alone were given permission to purchase without their guardian (because most BAs shouldn’t be allowed out without some kind of assistance) is beyond us, but apparently they have magical powers that render breeders powerless against their “I can haz puppy?” pleas.

 

There are under 1,000 of us in the country and I STILL end up owned by a moron.

Skill Level:  Low.   Very, very, low. Surprisingly, however, you will see the BA making an effort (just a poor one) at any number of dog related activities. Their sense of accomplishment however is disproportionate to the reality. A CGC becomes a Nobel Prize while a Rally Novice title is the ‘MacArthur Genius Grant’. Their perfectly average* dog is now a titan of canine perfection and the rest of us will never hear the end of it.

Catch Phrases:  “I just can’t stop him from pulling on leash”, “How did you do that?!”, “Do you think this is serious?”

 

Yup. Very Serious.

Anecdotal evidence:

BusyBee:  Living in an apartment complex in the middle of a large city, I spend a lot of time outside in the park near my place with Mr. T, and as such, have met quite a few neighbors and their dogs.  Although I have seen a lot of idiocy (that is an entirely different blog entry), one neighbor in particular stands out as being a classic BA.  Despite having owned dogs for over 30 years, this woman still lacks the most basic of dog skills.  After kindly directing her to a local positive reinforcement trainer to work with her latest dog (which at 3 years old barely responded to his own name), I literally saw her in the park attempting to use her clicker as a remote control (pro tip: it doesn’t work that way).   I am also fairly certain that this woman thinks I am a wizard because I have taught Mr. T basic obedience such as “sit”, “down”, and “stay”.   Seriously, her head almost exploded when Mr. T.  backed up on cue. While I get that everyone has different levels of dog sense and skill, I just don’t understand how someone can own dogs for 30+ years and still think that teaching a dog to sit is an advanced trick.

 

What magical voodoo is this? He sat? Maybe if I hit pause again…

 

Potnoodle: My life is filled with these people. Between grooming and agility class, they cycle in and out of my life. Unfortunately, one person seems to cling. This person has several dogs of the same breed, all of them ridiculously fat and badly behaved. Whenever this person is given advice, it seems like she only picks up on a few key phrases. “Your dog needs to lose weight. You should probably have his thyroid checked, but also try more excercise and replacing some of his kibble with green beans.” becomes “replace his kibble with green beans.” She is then shocked that anyone would want to do such a cruel thing to poor schnookums. When she first brought her dogs to class, the instructor told her to walk around the field and get her dog aquainted with the area. Now, several class cycles later, she still walks the dog around the perimeter every time they come. Honesstly, it’s like working with a two year old.

This ain’t gonna cut

 

Fang: Like Potnoodle, these people are inescapable. Somehow I managed to get herded into teaching obedience classes, and like the moron I am, I usually go along without complaint. Every single class always has at least one of these unique specimens that make me want to smash my head into the nearest moving vehicle so my own training time is a welcome break, or so I once thought.  I am unlucky enough to train with one of these BAs regularly, and despite my avoidance, I frequently get to hear of the great things they have done. Their recent string of failures mind you are to him, all the dog’s fault. Hundreds of hours, four different trainers and numerous complete failures in training all attributed to his own errors are  then carried to the ring and he refuses to believe he has done a single thing wrong. A recent smackdown by someone I respect hopefully reached into his brain because he has been AWOL since it happened. Thank goodness for small miracles. His dog will never be so lucky.

 

*We’re not bagging the titles or the accomplishments, as for some dogs these will always be a distant dream, but rather we are talking about the disproportionate acclaim for something fairly pedestrian on an average pet (i.e. one without reactivity, anxiety, etc).

WTF Wednesday

22 May

Just….no.

We are going to judge you extra hard if you use one of these.  You know how we feel about flexi-leashes to begin with, so the added “bonus” of a pistol shaped handle aimed at the dog puts this clear into the WTF category. We aren’t sure who this type of thing is supposed to appeal to, but it certainly isn’t us.

 

Thankfully, this appears to be a concept design only and not actually in production, but we give it 6 months until Hipsters around the world are marching around with these with their ironically named pooch (Chuck, perhaps?) on the end of the leash.

The Vegetarian Raw-Feeder Conundrum

21 May

Of the three Dog Snobs, both BusyBee and Potnoodle are vegetarian.  Both also happen to feed their dogs raw.  In today’s entry, we discuss what it’s like being a vegetarian who is frequently elbow deep in animal carcass.

BusyBee:  As a nearly lifelong vegetarian, if you had told me before Mr. T that I would be feeding my dog a raw diet, I would have laughed in your face….and probably shuddered just thinking about it.   As a kid, I wouldn’t even touch the dinner plates after a meal if meat had been on them (ok fine, maybe it was partially a ploy to get out of doing the dishes), but I seriously was grossed out even thinking about or seeing meat.   When I got Mr. T, we started on a high quality kibble and although he seemingly enjoyed it, it became evident over time that he was having some pretty bad reactions to the food he was eating.  After over a year of constant vet visits for sores, rashes, UTIs, and hair loss (not to mention wicked dog farts), I finally took the plunge and started raw.  I had it in my mind that I would just give him pre-made patties because that wouldn’t require me actually handling the meat.  What I hadn’t planned on was how into meal planning I would actually get, so less than a month after starting raw, I found myself trolling the internet looking for whole animals, joining a local raw feeder co-op, and breaking down his meals in my kitchen sink.  My parents still can’t believe I’m doing this, and quite frankly, neither can I.

 

Potnoodle: Meat is weird. We can all agree on that right? I mean… why is gnawing on connective tissue considered a normal thing to do? Unfortunately, for dogs, it is a normal (species appropriate) thing to do. Because of this, I’ve been chopping up deer bits in my backyard for longer than I care to think of. I bag up kidney and tripe and nothing nice like it is my job. I get really into planning it out and I have the highscore at freezer tetris. I buy goat on the hoof and butcher it myself, all in my backyard (though I let other people handle the actual killing…) All because my first poodle has bad teeth. That’s right… no gastrointestinal issues caused the switch. My dogs had great coat on a high quality grain free diet. It’s all about the teeth for me, though of course there have been secondary improvements. I have no plans of going back, I’ll be covered in various bloody debris for the rest of my days.

 

Things We Never Thought We Would Do

 

1.  Break down whole animals

Seriously.  Gloves on, handling large chunks of raw meat and breaking it down into meal-sized portions.  Who are we?  Why are we doing this?  Tofu never required so much work. Once, Potnoodle made the mistake of answering her door while in the middle of organ bagging day. The good news is, she no longer sees any Jehovah’s Witnesses

 

With the bulk chicken feet orders, she gets way more Voodoo practitioners though.

2.  Devote an entire freezer to raw meat

Prior to dogs, our freezers were full of Morningstar Farms veggie products and ice cream.  Now, they resemble carefully stocked meat lockers.   BusyBee still gets a little weirded out whenever she opens her freezer and sees little bunny foo foo peering back at her.  Potnoodle wasn’t joking about having the high score at freezer tetris, it truly is an art and not one she feels should be taken for granted.

Like this with the added challenge of ziploc.

3.  Casually watch our dogs devour their raw

Watching a dog go to town on a whole rabbit is quite a sight, and frankly one that we never thought we would be ok doing.  However, it really doesn’t even faze us anymore, so much so that the other day BusyBee traumatized a neighbor who came over to say “hi” and caught Mr. T with bunny feet literally dangling from his mouth.  While the neighbor gagged and probably flashed back to Thumper from Bambi, BusyBee wasn’t even disturbed.

 

We call it the Disney Diet

4. Examine our dog’s poop with such interest.

On kibble, it can basically be taken for granted that a dog’s poop should look the same day in and day out.  Not so on raw food. Too loose? More bone. Dog constipated? More meat or add some tripe. Weird color? Back off the bone. It’s like working in a CSI lab, minus the murder.

 

5.Spending more time planning our dog’s menu than our own.

Balance over time, it’s a raw feeding mantra. So often, our dog’s diet is planned weeks ahead. Meanwhile, Potnoodle has been known to eat peanut butter sandwiches for multiple meals a day and BusyBee has failed at every attempt she has made to track her own food intake or plan menus even a few days in advance.

It’s a staple.

Do you feed raw?  Are you a vegetarian?  Share below!

Sex Toy Saturday

19 May

Time to ruin another perfectly lovely weekend.  Ok minions, which is the sex toy and which is the dog toy?

 

Option A

 

Option B

Option B

 

So far on this blog, we’ve mainly shifted the blame for these unfortunate look-a-like coincidences to dog toy manufacturers, but today we want to have a serious discussion with the manufacturers of sex toys.  That’s right, option A is the dog toy and option B is the unfortunate sex toy doppelgänger.

Really, you had to corrupt the BALL?! That’s like, an age-old dog toy. Just let the dogs have that one, okay? Please stop constructing items that look like our dogs’ favorite things. Also, neither look incredibly well made for rough play… yeah, we went there.

 

Ask The Dog Snobs

17 May

In the first of what we will hope will be a regular column, we will be answering questions sent in by our minions.  It’s like Dear Abby, but with teeth.

Dear Dog Snobs,

I have a large breed- pretty much the largest (an Irish Wolfhound) and I am really tired of hearing the same things every time we go out: “He’s so BIG!” “He’s like a PONY!” “You could ride him!” And on and on and on. I usually just smile and nod but I’m close to hanging a sign on my dog that says YES I KNOW HOW BIG HE IS. How would you respond to the Captain Obvious brigade?

–Lindsay

 We have a few suggestions.  The first is to take the higher ground and ignore them.  But what fun would that be?  So our real suggestion is to hit these geniuses with one of the following retorts:

     “You think this is big?  You should see my husband!”

    “I sometimes ride my boyfriend like a pony. The dog just doesn’t have the same thrill”

    “Yeah, the saddle only fits me.”

     “Really, how big is he?”

Try getting that image out of your head.

Try getting that image out of your head.

Dear Dog Snobs,

My 5 year old male is obsessed with eating poo. While I understand my crew is on a raw diet of venison and I’m sure is appealing to him, it’s totally repulsive to me. I’ve tried several “remedies” (somehow incorporate pumpkin in treats, which I did among others) and he still fiends for the poo!! WTH is wrong with him?? If I put him out with one of my girls he literally busts his balls by all means to catch the turd before it hits the ground. Yes I have video of this. Gross but get I’m a dog mom so I don’t need an explanation. Any suggestions, input or remedies would be appreciated/interesting and most likely attempted by me to stop this madness!!

—Janine

This in a nutshell is why we don’t do dog kisses (except for BusyBee, who couldn’t avoid them if she tried). Clearly you need to get a poo trap for your other dogs so your male can’t make a buffet of lawn turds.   Scratch that.  That’d be stupid.  What you actually should do is….

     -Try adding pineapple to your dog’s diet. For some reason it makes poop taste gross to some dogs.

     -There are many mass marketed products you can try (just look on Amazon)

     -Pumpkin is for loose stool or constipation, most dogs like it going in so the fact that your dog finds it tasty coming  out isn’t all that surprising.

     -Put on a basket muzzle whenever he goes outside, if it worked for Hannibal Lecter it should work for your dog. Human flesh/dog shit… equally disgusting.

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Dear Dog Snobs,

Why do people cross the road or leave the dog path when they see my shepherd coming down the street?

—Dana

To get to the other side? Oh wait, that’s the chicken. Hmmm… Perhaps they don’t want to be seen my such a magnificent creature. You know, like how people don’t want their picture taken with other people that are more attractive than them? Otherwise, it could be any number of reasons: they don’t like dogs, they’re afraid of dogs or that body odor issue you thought was under control isn’t (Seriously, see a doctor.). In all seriousness as people who’ve had some breeds who get ‘bad reputations’ (Or in Potnoodle’s case, fluffy reputations), we get it.  It can be hard not to take it personally, but we suggest just ignoring those dumbasses and continuing to strut your stuff proudly down the street with your gorgeous dog . We suggest sparkles or outfits.

You know how we do

Dear Dog Snobs,

A close (non-dog) friend recently asked for my assistance finding a dog. After listening to me talk for hours about responsible breeders and rescue she bought two (two!)  puppies of a breed I specifically told her to avoid from a backyard breeder. What’s the best way to kill her and make sure no one finds her body?

— Ignored and Enraged

 

Good question.  We feel your rage.  We really, do.  We can’t actually give you advice on committing a crime, but, “hypothetically”, what you should do is ….. well we’ll tell you that part via email. Really though, we get it.  Maybe a slap upside the head?  A punch to the throat?  A kick to the babymaker? All totally deserved.  Also, when her puppies inevitably drive her crazy or come up with a smorgasbord of health issues, we highly encourage you to do the “I told you so” dance like this or that.

It even has the soda can for comparison!


***Have a question you want The Dog Snobs to tackle?  EMAIL them to us at thedogsnobs@gmail.com***

 

WTF Wednesday

16 May

Say it three times fast…

 

Turd Burglar….Turd Burglar….Turd…

 

Ew.  Ok, maybe not. Just stop.

 

 

Have you ever wanted to take a slap-shot with a dog turd?  If so, this product   is for you! According to the website, the Turd Burglar is “so much fun you’ll want to steal your neighbor’s dog poop!”  (No thanks, we’ve seen our neighbor’s dog’s Beneful-fueled shits and we aren’t touching that with a ten foot pole…or the turd burglar)

 

Apparently when you order the Turd Burglar, you also receive plastic “practice poops” to help perfect your aim as well as a book full of fun games you can play with your Turd Burglar.

 

The site clearly cautions to “never shoot real dog poop at people, pets, buildings or passing cars”, but really, what do they think people are doing with this?    Plus, doesn’t that take all the fun out of this product?

Anyone feel like ordering it and giving us a review?  You know you want to. Share your thoughts below!

500 Likes and Counting!

14 May

You like us, you really like us!!

 

We promised when we hit 500 Facebook “likes” that we would share a big announcement, so here we go…

 

In honor of our ongoing quest for world domination, we’ve decided to make The Dog Snob t-shirts available to all of our minions! The shirts were originally designed so that our adoring minions could recognize us (and also because matching t-shirts are COOL*) but we thought maybe a few minions would like one of their very own and maybe we could make a little money for rescues in the process.

 

All profits will be donated to a rescue of the Dog Snob’s choice (a real rescue, not PETA or HSUS, we promise.)

 

When you visit our site you will be able to choose one of our lovely designs as well as the color of your shirt.   You know you want to rock Dog Snob couture, admit it.

 

We know the shirts are sort of expensive, and we’ve given a couple of different options. If anyone knows a cheaper option as far as shirt design websites go, let us know!

 

*Mostly for the cool shirts. We’d probably pee ourselves if someone approached us in public and wasn’t a crazed PETA member throwing red paint.