Owner Profile: The Suburban Outdoorsman

16 Apr

For this installation of “Owner Profiling”, we bring to you the “Suburban Outdoorsman”.

“We have time for this blog because we’re single. It’s our party and we can include half naked men if we want to.”

Description:

At first glance, the Suburban Outdoorsman (SO) appears to be an avid hunter or outdoor enthusiast.  They drive the largest of SUVs or trucks, dress in camouflage or lumberjack plaid, generally paired with heavy duty work boots.  However, upon getting to know them, it is clear that these individuals have never actually spent time in the outdoors (no, walking an outdoor mall does not count) or done anything remotely rugged. Sitting in a bus to go up a mountain is no more a hike than sitting in a Denny’s.

 

I guess there could be squirrels in that… but nothing else from nature.

 

Common Locations:

Found deep within the suburbs, the SO is rarely is found outside of a 3 mile radius of their home. The SO can often be found shopping at Cabela’s or Bass Pro Shop buying things for themselves or their dogs that they will never actually use. It is not uncommon to see them walking around the block with a bear bell attached to their dog’s collar.

See, it says outdoors. That totally counts.

Breeds Owned: Hounds, Pointers, and some varieties of retrievers. In the south, you’ll also find them amongst the suburban “hawg dawg” set with curs, catahoulas and various other hunting breeds.

 

Douchebag Spotted!

Skill Level:  

Low. These owners commonly buy breeds that are typically seen as outdoorsy and then have no idea how to handle them.

 

I’m ready! Where’s the cows? We are hunting cows… right?

Catch Phrases:

“Does this camo vest come in XXL?”, “I totally intend to maybe one day in the not-so-near future take my dog hunting..or on a hike”, “I had a dog just like him when I was a kid, he was a great hunter”

 

He was really more of a hunter gatherer

Anecdotal Evidence:

 

BusyBee:  There is a monster truck that I see daily in our garage, equipped with Bass Pro stickers, deer decals, and a pro-gun bumper sticker.  By first appearances, it looks like this guy is heavily involved with hunting.  However,  I happen to know the guy who owns said truck, and let me tell you, he and his Vizsla have probably never seen anything outside of the city limits.  Although his dog wears an e-collar at all times (yes, while on-leash in the city on walks around the block), I’ve also seen his dog prance, jump, and whine when faced with puddles or any sort of mud, so I’m having a hard time imagining them barreling through the trees after a duck or rabbit. I’m also pretty sure that the truck never leaves the garage, as it is always there and way cleaner than my own admittedly urban car.  Given that even the city gets muddy and gross in the winter, I highly doubt his car has seen anything other than a Taco Time drive-thru.

 

Potnoodle: Living in the south means I’m constantly surrounded with these people. Just because you have a twangy accent and access to Real Tree merchandise does not make you a sportsman. When dogs are added to the mix, it gets even worse. Turns out, if you want to hunt with a dog, you have to do a little more training than buying it a bright orange collar. My poodles have more experience in the field than these people and that drives the SO nuts.

 

Fang: I admit it. I love Gander Mountain. What I do not love, however is the expanse of camouflage worn by every dog who walks into the business where I’m employed. These 4000lb Labradors have only ever seen one kind of duck, and it generally can be purchased at Petco. Plastic orange collars, camo vests and bedding, manly man toys of ducks, grouse and geese, like their dogs would even know what to do if they came across one. Thankfully, dogs are much more forgiving than they (and we) deserve. Most are entirely content to grow larger on the couch while their owner spins tall tales of Paul Bunyan proportions about their hunting prowess. It doesn’t, however, make their owner less of a douchebag. It just means their dog forgives them for being a lying liar.

Nothing about this is forgivable.

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4 Responses to “Owner Profile: The Suburban Outdoorsman”

  1. Savannah April 25, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

    I love it! I have a 90 lb lab mix that is well trained and attracts SO’s like a donut attracts cops. I am single and a milf, so the age range is large. Invariably, all of the men think I am brutal with my intractable rules for said dog. And if they had him, which they pine to do, he would turn into a 200 lb couch eating monster, I imagine. To me, men are like candy. They taste good, but you always regret the way they cling to your hips.
    Love,
    S.

  2. Savannah April 25, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

    PS-My dog will always rule over any guy…he obeys, LOL!

  3. Rosemary January 13, 2015 at 2:51 am #

    When I lived in Mississippi and had a very cute blue Australian Cattle Dog, I learned quickly that she was a Bubba-Magnet. Few thought she was purebred though, because she had a tail.

  4. AD January 13, 2015 at 3:27 pm #

    My cousins husband first had a boxer and got rid of him because he did not have enough time for the boxer. Then, being a deer hunter that he is went and got a real hunting breed, a German Shorthair Pointer. I think that lasted only a year or two because I stopped hearing about the pointer and started hearing about the two shih tzus or something they now have. Never found out what happened to that pointer, honestly I don’t want to know.

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