Here at ‘The Dog Snobs’, we spend a fair amount of time perusing breeder sites, and as such, we’ve seen the good, the bad, and the so so so so ugly. Based on what we’ve seen, we’d like to make a few general suggestions and as always some critiques to improve your shitty websites.
Buy an Actual Domain
Geocities is dead, people. And Angelfire and the like have been desperately clinging to their rafts for the last decade. I know, the whimsical additions of MIDI music and the cursor that looks like a butterfly flapping its wings followed by fairy dust is just too “kewt” for words but let’s get real here. Not everyone is going to be a website guru, and if you know that about yourself, it’s time to call in an expert. Preferably one who dresses like someone you wouldn’t run away from in an alley, but we won’t be picky. Anyone clothed with a clue will work. A fully functioning detailed website with your own domain designed and maintained by professionals can run you as little as $200 a year. That’s like a single shitty BYB puppy. Make the investment, people.
Speaking of MIDI….
Absolutely No Autoplay Music
As much as we love terrible music (Okay, maybe only Fang and really it’s only to be annoying) autoplayed music on a website should be classified as a hate crime. You’re going along, minding your own business when your ears are assaulted by some truly craptacular midi piece of garbage masquerading as something necessary on a website.
Just Say “No” to Bad Animation
While researching for this article, we noticed a phenomenon among pit breeders. They all seem to have a burning passion for photoshop. Photoshopped images of their dogs over lightning or flames or some other badass imagery. Do they do this themselves? Are they PAYING someone to do this? We don’t know… but this one is our favorite.
No Dogs on Chains
Or behind fences for that matter. Even if you do have your dogs tethered or kenneled… take them out to take photos. PLEASE. If you don’t have time to take a decent photo of your dog, you do not have time to breed.
Avoid Sparkly Graphics
Generally speaking, inducing seizures is not a good way to entice people to buy your dogs. Sparkling graphics also don’t make you look classy. Really. They don’t. Instead, it makes you look some 13 year old girl hopped up on Pixie-Stix and RedBull who couldn’t contain herself when designing a web-page.
No PayPal Buttons or Shopping Carts
Sometimes, when we’re surfing the internet at three o’clock in the morning, we feel the sudden need to buy a puppy RIGHT THEN. Luckily, with these super handy paypal buttons, we can. Much like buying aquarium parts or a Domino’s pizza… we never have to interact with an actual person. Bad news is, the dog probably hasn’t either. Please leave PayPal and shopping carts on Amazon or eBay where they belong.
No Jesus References
We really aren’t quite sure what being a good Christian has to do with dog-breeding, since most of the websites we found that openly preach about their faith also appear to be quite unscrupulous BYBs or puppy mills. It makes us wonder if these are actually people of faith, or just individuals who think that by aligning themselves with God, people will trust them more. While we respect peoples’ rights to believe what they want, using it to sell your micro teacup peke-a-pom-a-poos will definitely earn our judgement.
Adoption vs. Purchasing
Can we just call a spade a spade, please? You are not adopting this puppy. It is not a rescue. You are not saving it from anything except perhaps the horrible life the parents are subjected too… and perhaps being eaten by the breeder (Java black and french vanilla? Caramel Delight? What would you do-oo-oo for a maltipoo? We’re craving frozen delights now. Thanks.)
Size Comparisons with a Soda Can
While we enjoy Cherry Coke Zero as much as the next dog snob, using your favorite beverage to illustrate the size of your puppies is
probably definitely a bad idea. Puppies are tiny.That’s normal. That’s how they get to live when they’re destroying shit and screaming through the night. We do not need you to pose your super rare blue phantom morkiepomabastard with a can of soda. You’re putting us off our sugary drinks. Stop.
We know we missed a few, as we were actually beginning to feel physically ill. What do you hate to see on a breeder website. Minions?