The Dog Snobs

We recently put a short and sweet Facebook Status up about dogs preventing us from having nice things, and based on the amazing response we got, we felt this topic was deserving of its very own blog entry.

BusyBee

Nice Thing # 1:  A Fur-Free Existence

I’ve finally accepted that there will always be dog fur on my carpet, on my furniture, on my clothes, on my bathroom floor, my kitchen floor (rolling like tumbleweeds), in the lint trap in the clothes dryer, on the back of the toilet where it apparently falls off my clothes, in my car, and  in my mouth (bleccchh, pffffft, ptooie).  I’m also pretty sure Mr. T’s fur has also made several international trips (Somewhere in Tokyo, someone is eating sushi with a side of Mr. T fur).   It’s not that I don’t try to keep up with it, I do.  I even invested in a ridiculously expensive pet hair vacuum and other hair-catching tools, but nothing does the trick.  Porcupine quills have less staying power. Mr. T has the perfect length and texture fur to weave it’s way into everything and hold on for dear life.  His fur is like an unwanted houseguest..who messes up shit, stays longer than they should,  and doesn’t pay rent.

I’m going to be another week or two, or at least until I get my shit together. Also, I used your toothbrush.

Nice Thing # 2:  A Boyfriend

I call Mr. T the love of my life.  That’s probably not helping in the dating department.   Neither is sharing a bed with him.  And certainly talking (fine, singing) to him on a regular basis isn’t helping my case either.  And finally, like many dog owners, I have a “dog walking wardrobe” that I put on when I am heading out with Mr. T.  These are clothes that are practical and that I don’t mind getting wet, muddy, or hairy (see Nice Thing #1).  I was feeling quite ok about my dog clothes until my mom came to visit and told me I looked like a homeless person.  When I told her that I really didn’t care how I looked when I was taking Mr. T on two hour walks, she looked at me with all seriousness and said, “Maybe you should.”  I thought it was just my mom being, well, a mom, so I blew it off.  Not long after,l a male neighbor saw me heading to work and literally said “Wow, you are wearing real clothes!”  Um yeah…maybe it’s time I realize that what makes for practical dog-walking clothes may not be the most attractive or alluring to men.  And if you think this act of public shaming has changed the way I head outside with my dog…you’d be wrong. I keep holding out hope that there must be reasonably attractive single men in their 30s who are attracted to dog-obsessed, song-singing, dog-fur covered, yoga pant wearing women, right?  RIGHT?! Sigh.

Soooo not what I meant.

Nice Thing # 3:  Sleep

When I first got Mr. T, I had this (naive) idea that we would be snuggle buddies and sleep peacefully side-by-side and wake up refreshed and happy in the morning.  Sadly, I was mistaken, as I have been cursed with a “morning dog”.  Seriously, this dog does not understand the concept of sleeping past 6 am.   As much as I love him, every time I see his smiling face before 7 am (especially on a weekend), I resort to calling him names and grumbling expletives.  I swear sometimes he wakes me up and doesn’t even want anything other than to tell me how much he’s missed me, despite having spent all night literally suffocating me (Note to Mr. T:  While I am glad you are comfortable, having 75 pounds of dog sleeping on my head doesn’t exactly work for me.)  If my calculations are correct, he owes me roughly 8,942 hours of sleep.

Replace that leg with his head and that sleeping person with a squinty-eyed rage beast and it’s accurate. 

Fang

Nice Thing #1: A Not-Embarrassing Wardrobe.

I am not exactly a fashionista, but pre-dogs I wasn’t exactly a slob either. While I own a fair selection of hoodies and jeans, they were interspersed with skirts, nice shirts, and occasionally a dress. My dogs, however, have no such appreciation. In the past year alone I’ve lost 5 pockets, one knee, and several hems to dog antics/poaching and my budget can’t take much more.

That Bastard shrunk it in the dryer. I knew I shouldn’t have let him browse at Saks.

Nice Thing #2: A Clean Car

I admit it. My car is a mess. What was once a beautiful Subaru is now a hovel of dog training detritus and the wrappers from treats, both human and canine. I spend a lot of time in the car with the dogs, and I mean a lot. Between work, training, classes, and just plain old errand running, it’s always full of something and rarely is that something you want. I am actually embarrassed to take it to the dealer. I can feel the judgment and I don’t have the big-ass Malinois in the back to frighten off commentary.

“Yes it is a Panda Express Wrapper, racist! I was hungry! It was late! I was busy! Fuck off!”

Nice Thing #3: The Ability to Talk to People

Really it’s more the ability to not talk to people like they’re one of my dogs, and talk may be generous. A typical meeting with me since dog ownership has turned from a somewhat stilted but at least normal conversational to what I could only describe as demented charades with some imperatives thrown in for good measure. It’s never more obvious than interacting with my friend’s little boy. He’s three, adorable, and smart yet somehow I acquire the same tone as I do with Z. It’s identical to the point of being commented on… frequently. Whoops. I suppose I could defend it in saying that good dog training has a lot in common with kid training (I’m sure you call it training.) but… eh. At least I’m consistent?

Braylee! I said Heel!

Potnoodle

Nice Thing #1: A Social Life

BusyBee’s boyfriend conundrum aside, I’d settle for just a decent social life. I’m a soon-to-be college senior and the amount of time I spend partying is… nothing. I don’t go out to bars with friends very often because I’m at home, tending my dogs. When not at home with them, I’m at work (tending dogs that are not mine) so that I can pay to support their expensive hobbies. Weekends at trials, afternoons training… I have no time to hang out with peers. The time I do have is spent talking to other dog people, mostly online.

Woo hoo! Crazy Weekend!

Nice Thing #2: Money

From the freezer I bought just for my dogs to the thirty plus collars to trial weekends… I invest a lot of cash in to my dogs. Add vet bills to all that and it gets ridiculous. And to think, I groom my own dogs so at least I don’t have to pay for two standard poodle grooms at least once every six weeks. Of course, I could be cheaper. They probably don’t NEED quite so many collars and there are cheap kibbles out there but what can I say, I have to keep them in the lifestyle they’ve become accustomed to.

Send that back. I wanted my liver RARE! Not medium rare!

Nice Thing #3: Privacy

Pet owners joke about it all the time. Get a dog, never pee alone. Thing is, I LIKE to pee alone. Also shower (I’m looking at you, I. Stop moving the shower curtain while I’m showering.) I’d even be happy taking a nap without a clingy white poodle attached to me. I live in the south, I do not need a living fur blanket. My female poodle is a good girl. She’s happy outside the bathroom, and will leave the door alone. Not so much with my boy. He whines and cries. Eventually he will give up and lay down but then I trip over him when I walk out of the room. I love him, but we’ve reached critical levels of cling.

The varying levels of cling.

Dog ruining your life? We want to know about it!

I have quite a bit of rage in my heart. Almost  30% of it is dedicated to jaywalkers that I just want to run down in my car, but that’s off topic.

It’s like grand theft auto. In a volvo.

An even greater portion is dedicated to the breeding and breeders of “doodles”.

This is a doodle.

This is why Potnoodle sobs at night.

Honestly, I’m not even one of those people that can take the high road and forgive the dogs of their owner’s folly. They’re gross, they’re dumb, and they’re ugly. And I don’t like the way their mommy dresses them either.

When I worked for a groomer, we had at least one a week come in, mostly goldendoodles, both miniature and standard sized. They usually smelled like ass, often had foreign objects embedded in their pelt, and were invariably named something like Carlton.

It’s not unusual… to be a total fucktard if you own a doodle.

The Owners:

Real Dog People don’t own doodles. Doodle owners sometimes evolve into Real Dog People when they wisen up and go for a rescue or a breeder for their next dog. If a RDP wants a mixed breed, they go for a rescue or perhaps, if they’re a special kind of idiot, a purposeful sport mix.

Probably not this kind of sport dog but close enough.

Most Common Reasons for getting a Doodle.

1. We wanted a hypo-allergenic dog.

There are many, many reasons this is wrong. Most importantly, even actual non- shedding breeds are not hypo-allergenic. That’s right. Every lie every poodle back yard breeder has ever told you is just that– a lie. Sorry.

It’s not so bad… but I can’t reach my butt.

2. We want a dog that doesn’t shed.

Sorry, dumbass,  there’s no guarantee that f1 cross isn’t going to leak hair like an Alaskan Gas line leaks oil. I’d say get a poodle if you want something that doesn’t shed, but I don’t want you besmirching the good name of my breed. Get a stuffed animal, we’ll all sleep better at night.

Get this. We’ll like you if you get this.

3. “We want a dog with the hair of a poodle and the brains of a lab/golden”

No. I can’t even. Just get out. If you’re the sort of person that says that and you read this blog… just stop. We don’t need your views.

109 stones. How’s that lab brain sounding now?

The Dog

Doodles are dumb. Ask any trainer, groomer, or person that has looked at one for more than ten minutes at a dog park. Poodles are incredibly intelligent. Golden Retrievers are smart and very willing to please. Labs are… well labs are labs, but whatever, they’re smarter than doodles. I’m not really sure what happens in that fuckery of gene muddling that doodles are, but it’s bad. They run in to shit. they have no dog/dog manners, and they’re no good at what either breed was bred to do. For science*, I googled “Doodle retrieving ducks” and I got…. nothing. There were a few pics of doodles being the ugly ball of scruff that they are, several of standard poodles retrieving and even a few of Irish water spaniels. Pro tip: those aren’t doodles.

*Science. It works, Bitches.

Got Doodle rage? Got Potnoodle rage because she hates doodles? Feel free to get it all out in the comments.

One of the things that makes us the most rage-filled here at The Dog Snobs are some of the inane questions that we are repeatedly asked about our own dogs.   These questions range from remarkably stupid to downright offensive.  In this entry, each of us will share our least favorite questions we get asked on a regular basis.

BusyBee:

Given the amount of time I spend out and about with Mr. T, it is no wonder that I get asked a lot of questions.  I consider myself a fairly outgoing person and normally don’t mind talking to strangers (I know, I know….something must be wrong with me), but when the questions are dog-related and markedly stupid, it’s all I can do to remain calm.

1.  Given that I own a pitbull mix, I can’t even tell you the number of conversations that I’ve had that go a little something like this….

Ignoramus:  Oh wow, is that a pitbull?

Me:  Yes, a mix.

Ignoramus:  Oh wow, did you rescue him from a fighting ring?

Me:  Nope.

Ignoramus:  I read about Michael Vick online.  Is he like one of those dogs?

Me:  Nope.  Definitely not a former fighting dog.

Ignoramus:  Really?

Me:  Seriously.

Ignoramus:  Oh, then, what is that scar on his nose?

Me:  He crashed into a fence while playing.

Ignoramus: Oh, well what about the big scar on his neck?

Me:  Sigh.  That is from when he got attacked by a Golden Retriever.

Ignoramus:  Wow, if he looks like that, I can only imagine what the Golden looked like.

Me:  Actually, Mr. T didn’t fight back at all…

Ignoramus: But he’s a pitbull….

END SCENE

Variants of this conversation include asking me if I am scared Mr. T will turn on me suddenly (yes, I live in fear) or asking if I know about their lock-jaws and heads-too-small-for-their-brains (whose brains are too small??).  As much as I try to educate people and be a good ambassador for the breed, people who don’t actually want to listen and instead want to prove how much they know about pitbulls (because everything you read online is true) just infuriate me to no end.   I’m pretty sure these are the same people who spout political rhetoric word-for-word after hearing a pundit say it on TV.   It’s all I can do to stop myself from kicking these people in the babymaker and running away.

Mr. T: 0 Fence:1

2.  “Awww, she’s so cute!”

Um, yeah.  Mr. T has a penis.  I know it is small, but it is there.  I swear*.   I won’t go more into now this since Potnoodle thinks I should devote an entire blog entry about my feelings on this subject, but seriously people, if you squint and tilt your head at at 38 degree angle, you can clearly see he is a male.

*It’s laughably tiny. It’s like a little innie belly button.

Spot the not junk

3.  “What kind of dog is that?  Let me guess…Rottweiler?  No….Poodle?  Oh, he’s definitely a Boxer.  Wait…I got it!  Jack Russell?”

While Mr. T’s origins are mostly unknown (clearly there is some pittie in there), some of the breeds people guess for him are downright laughable.  I’ve gotten Rottweiler more times than I can count, and given Mr. T is solid white, I am fairly certain these individuals don’t actually know what a Rottweiler actually looks like.   I also once had a person *insist* that there was such a breed as a Giant Jack Russell (you know, like a Giant Schnauzer).  I’ve found that other people are much more eager to label Mr. T than I am. I’m going to start calling him an “Russo-American Smooth Speckled Terrier” and see what people say.

The closest Mr. T will ever get to being a poodle.

Potnoodle:

I love to take my dogs in public. They like to get out, I enjoy being around them. It’s win/win. Then you add in the general public… I hate questions. I don’t like to interact with people I don’t know. When the people I don’t know are asking stupid questions I don’t even know how to respond. Some examples;

1. “How much did that dog cost? That dog looks real expensive!”

I have poodles. Not the ratty little kind your grandmother used to carry around but actual real Standard Poodles. They are generally well groomed and they just look fancy, to be honest. Still, that does NOT give anyone the right to ask me how much I paid for them. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than someone asking how much I paid for my dogs. Usually I laugh it off but I’m always more tempted to ask them what they make in a year or how much their pants cost. It’s tacky, people, stop doing that.

“I was pretty cheap but you might as well feed me money for all the shit I’m going to destroy.”

2.” Is that really a poodle? I’ve never seen one that size. “

No,  I just told you that for shits and giggles. This is actually a giant fuzzy muppethund. Very rare. Yes, asshat, it is a poodle. Your runny nosed four year old has been screaming poodle since she saw us across the park. Does IQ go down as you age or is she just the genius of the family?

Pictured: The Extra Giant version of the Giant Fuzzy Muppethund

3. “Is that a ____doodle?” or “Look Muffy, it’s your cousin!”

I get this from doodle owners a lot and NOTHING pisses me off like my dogs being compared to doodles. I have a deep, deep loathing in my soul for purposefully bastardized dogs, I should probably talk to my therapist about it because there are a lot of rage issues there. This is the one question that will get a less than civil answer from me. Usually, I respond with “No, they are purebred Standard Poodles. Your dog is a mutt.” I’m a bitch about it and I have no shame. I love mixed breed dogs. I grew up and started training with an australian cattle dog- border collie mix. So-called “designer dogs” are a whole other story. I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it.

I tried to find a picture but I was pushed in to a rage.

*What annoying questions do you get about your own dogs? Share below!*