10 Alternative Uses for Retractable Leashes

2 Mar

Flexi-Leash Haiku

By BusyBee

 Oh how I loathe you

Small invisible wire

Flexi-leash  of doom


Here at the Dog Snobs, few things annoy us more than retractable leashes, or flexi-leads.   Seriously, those corded death-traps and the people holding them send all of us into a blind rage.  However, given the sheer amount of them we see, we realize it’s not realistic to completely get rid of them.  So, instead of burning them all with fire, we’ve come up with 10 alternative (read: better) uses for retractable leashes.

1) Jump rope.
Extend to the maximum length, lock, and have at it.  This could possibly the next big fitness trend.

2)  Trip wire for home security.

Given how effective these are at tripping people (BusyBee knows from personal experience), it makes perfect sense to put them to good use to keep home invaders out.  Simply extend the leash and pull taut in front of your door.  No burglar will be able to bypass the flexi-leash of doom, trust us.

3) Paperweight.

Flexi-leashes seem to come in all sizes and colors, so with the leash fully retracted, it will make an excellent decorative paperweight for any desk.

If you want a tacky paperweight, that is.



4)  Torture device

Have you ever gotten a rope burn from a fast-moving flexi-lead?  Yeah. That shit hurts.   A  lot.  People have had fingers chopped off due to getting tangled in a flexi-leash.  Seriously.

5) Dog-proof fridge lock

BusyBee’s Mr. T is what we like to call, “mechanically gifted”, and has learned, on his own, how to open the household refrigerator.  Even the installment of a child-lock only kept him out for 24 hours.   Perhaps tying a flexi-lead around the fridge, looping through the handles, and then using the convenient locking function will keep him out….

Lock it up.

6) Garotte

Nothing says “The Dog did it” like a murder weapon that hides its own evidence in a spring-loaded carrying case. You probably don’t want to reuse that lead though…

7) Bludgeoning

While we can’t understand why anyone would choose to carry around such a large hulking handle, we can see the potential use as a weapon.  Who needs mace when you can beat someone over the head with a flexi-leash handle?

Totally a weapon.

8) An Introduction Aide

Little gets you as up close and personal with someone as when your unruly labrador wraps their flexi-lead around the ankles of an unsuspecting date candidate. From a distance you can gauge fitness and dexterity without ever having to speak to the person. If you’re not interested, release the handle and allow it to snap back with amazing force on the stranger’s knee to punish them for wasting your time. If you’re interested, call your dog while throwing their favorite toy over your shoulder. Your next date should be arriving in less than 10 seconds, likely slightly disheveled, and maybe a little mad, but really they should be flattered.

9) Toddler Control

We at Dog Snobs will judge you horribly for using a flexi to control your dog, but it seems the perfect tool to corral your sticky spawn. The length of the line allows you to give your child room to be independent while still allowing you the power to yank them back if they take off into oncoming traffic. Press lock and hang it on something high and you have a handy tether system for the tyke. Get a friend to come over and have toddler races, first child snapped back at the end of the twenty foot line wins. Toddler Yo-Yo, corralling unruly children like a bundling rope, extreme red rover. The possibilities are endless when you unhook the leash from your dog’s collar and onto your toddler’s… well…. whatever you can find to hook it on.

What better way to control them without touching their grubby little hands?

10) We honestly couldn’t come up for a tenth reason for using these harbingers of doom (other than hanging the dog owners who use them).Get a real leash.

Have your own alternative use? Let us know in comments!

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14 Responses to “10 Alternative Uses for Retractable Leashes”

  1. PowderFootsmom March 4, 2013 at 12:42 am #

    I LOVE this…that’s some funny shit right there and I couldn’t agree more ladies!

  2. TheHaikuSnob March 4, 2013 at 3:39 am #

    Your haiku is lacking a syllable in the 2nd line. “Wire” is a one-syllable word.
    -TheHaikuSnob- 😉

    • thedogsnobs March 4, 2013 at 3:55 am #

      This is why we’re The Dog Snobs, not the Haiku Snobs. One among us has a Southern Accent though, and she says it looks just fine to her. (Wy-er)

  3. tpvtoy March 5, 2013 at 12:41 am #

    # 11–Use it as a portable flirt pole for your dog. No more lugging around PVC pipe!
    # 12–Use it to hold a cat collar over the flower bed that they insist on using for a litter box. “Just a friendly warning”.
    # 13–Use it as a portable clothesline to show neighbors your good (or not-so-good) undies.

  4. Mia's Musings May 16, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

    Number 6 completely cracked me up, well done! (and yes, I still have one of these…somewhere…)

  5. Linda May 17, 2013 at 12:41 am #

    LOVE #9 – I’ve been saying for years that parents who are so worried about their kids getting kidnapped need to be leashing them up (although it is still beyond me why anyone would actually want to grab a free range child). This is the perfect use for the FL.

    As a retractable clothesline line is a darned good suggestion to! Thanks for the ideas.

  6. Artessa August 8, 2013 at 5:13 pm #

    hmm we use these for both dogs mainly because they are never off leash when not at home. They are always kept short except when we get to large fields which we make a point of every walk. It lets them run about like fools while still being leashed. We have the long long training leashes but I cant imagine cording that up like a garden hose for the majority of our walk.

    • red rabbit October 28, 2014 at 10:33 pm #

      Same. I have a miniature dachshund. She is so low to the ground that any slack in a standard leash often gets tangled up in her legs. A flexi keeps the slack reeled in nicely.

  7. dogascopilot September 10, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

    Best us I have ever seen is for temperament tests. When gauging a dog’s prey drive, hook a small fluffy you to the end, fully extend the leash and then when the dog is looking that way, release the break and drag the toy quickly across the ground. Brilliant prey drive test.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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